Would anyone mind giving me a critique of my DWI system sales letter. It's been a couple of weeks since the seminar. I've got a pretty good background in DM and copywriting, but I'm not so sure of myself right now. Any commments would be great appreciated, bust out the whips!

The file should be up as a pdf at:

http://www.mobius-media.com/duiletter.pdf

Sorry, ethically I can't comment on this. I think this is on par with "How to overturn your rape conviction" or "101 Places to Hide Your Gun After You Murder Somebody."

There might be a market for this... but due to personal circustances I'm on the side of "If you're stupid enough to get behind the wheel while drunk, you should go to jail."

My 2 cents.

Sorry Jim, but this system is not written by me I'm just writing the sales copy, I have mouths to feed and bills to pay, I could care less about mistakes people have made especially have a few too many, which is way off par from rape or murder.

I gotta disagree... thousands of people die each year because people have "a few too many." And if my child gets killed by a drunk driver, I'm not going to consider that just "a mistake."

The first random stat I could find, over 16,000 fatalities in 2004:

Drunk driving statistics

I, too, have mouths to feed and bills to pay (who doesn't), but I also have personal ethics that keeps me from writing for certain industries. I'm sure many on this board will agree... and I'm sure many won't.

Hi mobisumedia

Come with me as your copy is suggested to go in a little different direction then it is now.

To drive drunk is wrong. People should be punished for doing it.

However, to help you get a fairer trial where screens are not used to shield the accused from the judge and jury, your book may be helpful.

Your book will be of high interest to someone who was recently been charged with drunk driving. They would be in a high strung out panic to keep their drivers license if driving is a major part of their job.

Their wallet is coming out of their pocket already.

The story about the two kids out partying boils down to who cares - it's my driver’s license I'm going to lose! I don't care what happened to you two or three years ago.

Instead… boil me up and just be for being fried, show me how you can save my neck and I will be grateful to you.

From your large 400 plus page book - who is it that gets off the most? Is it businessmen out doing lunch, who get caught up with the business and don't realize they had two or three drinks with little food?

Your past clients who purchased the book at $400 plus - who are they? I bet they are not kids out partying who got busted. Target the right person - then talk to them.

If something is said to be proven, then you must prove it. I found myself reading it's proven but never came across any proof. And if the lawyer who wrote the whopper of a book is so great, then tell me how. The story could also come from the lawyer eyes.


Instead, the only thing I'm to do is trust you because you got busted on drunk driving, went to jail and had to do lots of other stuff and your buddy didn't. And some lawyer friend of yours wrote a book. I don't know much about you or the lawyer so my wallet starts to slip quickly back into my pocket.

This 400 page book written by a lawyer sounds like a book I must read while taking a cold shower, as it's going to be so boring and dry.

Tell me it's huge book not 400 plus page, but ten pounds of solid information I don't have to READ.

Yep just open to the page and it will tell me how to act before the judge, open another page and again it will tell me 5 things I should ask my lawyer. Another page has 4 things some cops do all the time but it's against the law. (now you can have the cops as the bad guys and you the drunk driver as the helpless victim, who now has super powers to win using your top dog lawyer book. Way more valuable then 400 pages.)

You've got lots down mobisumedia, now it's time to narrow your focus and shape it into a story which connects hands down with your target drunk driver who wants and needs a fix now.

Cheers

Jim

You got to love the internet with all the information out there and when you ask for something specific, all you get back is crying and whining. Let's stick to the subject either you can critique or not. This board is for critique to help people learn. Sorry Jim but I just hate complainers, I hear ebay calling they are ready for some more ads, it's Andrew Locke he's ready for you too.

Your paragraphs are too long. Keep them to 5 sentences max. 4 or less is better. Indent each one, it's easier on the eyes.

Try letting them off the hook first. "With all of the pressures at work and life nowadays, who doesn't want to let off a little steam."

I think your "two men" style is solid, but I would shorten the story and get them on the slippery slide earlier.

Dan

And yet, you just did.

Mobius,

I love your strip, BTW.

I agree with what's been said by others, namely that:

1. I think you're missing your target audience, which is probably businessmen or older guys with some money and a lot to lose. Unfortunately, this means you'll be rewriting a lot, your whole story in fact.

2. 400 pages is too much information. You need to play that down, not up. I wouldn't even mention it.

3. I'm not a fan of "Who Else..." headlines, though I know they can work. In this case, I don't think it fits. Can you do anything with this?

The Only Words You Want To Hear Coming Out of The Judges Mouth Are…



4. Every one of your bullets is missing a cruicial element. Bullets must be expanded into enticing benefits. Ryan Healy has a good blog post about bullets here:
On Copywriting: Bullets That Penetrate

5. You totally lose the majority of people that HAVE taken the breathalyzer test. You basically make them believe your book can't help them. Is that your intent? If the book can't, then this is a good thing but one of your testimonials said it DID help him by getting the breathalyzer tossed out.

6. I think the "Fire your attorney" thing is too strong. It scares me a bit even though you go on to say you'll tell me who to hire.

Make everything congruent and consistent!

7. Some of the language just doesn't fit, for me. "This product will delight you"? Come on, it's a DWI product. Delight seems like a whimpy word for that. You're not selling a recipe book. Look over your entire copy for phrases like that.

8. I assume you're mailing this to lists of people recently charged with DWI? That is the only way to go.

9. In your testimonials, highlight the key phrases such as "he got all of my DUI charges dropped."

Bruce

Jim, I agree with you 100%. There are projects that are too unethical to take on. You commit no offense by saying so. Of course we don't want to turn Michel's board into a complaint fest. I'm thinking back on an ad in Reader's Digest that said 9 out of 10 doctors preferred this certain brand of cigarettes, and that the filtered prevented nicotine from reaching your lungs and claimed the cigarette was safe for smoking. That copywriter should have been taken out and shot. So he/she needed to feed his family..who cares. There's a point when ethics needs to come into play and you need to say 'no thanks'.

I have a friend, or let me say acquaintance, who has a drinking problem. Six months ago he crashed his Mercedes into a light pole at 3am one morning, just blocks from his home. Totally curled the front axle under the car. Totaled the car. He quickly called his father who rushed over in the family pickup with some buddies and helped him tow the car away before anyone could report it.

He said he learned his lesson...

Last month he got caught dui. Had his license revoked. But because he works for an agency in the city government and is involved with unions etc (in favor of the city) he got his hands slapped. No community service. No jail time. And dirt low penalty fee. Only thing is, he can't drive for 90 days. Then he's back on the road. And still drinking.

We don't need to turn over dui's. What's needed is for people to take responsibility for their actions. If you're gonna drink and drive, then you ought to pay the price for your actions. DUI isn't an accident or 'mistake' it's a choice. Too bad it's not like some areas of the Philippines where a cop shoots you on the spot. I have no sympathy for drunk drivers. Oh, one killed the son of one of my buddies while the son was coming home after returning movies to blockbuster. He rushed to return the movies because he didn't want a late penalty. Made it there on time. But on the way home drunk hit him head on and killed him. His poor mother came around the corner from work about three minutes later, poor timing, and pulled over to help the crash victims. She didn't even recognize the car was her son's. Not until she looked inside and saw her son all busted up. And dead. His insides were on the outside. She hasn't been the same person since then. No one should ever have to go through that.

Screw 'overturning convictions'. Give drunk drivers the chair. I have no sympathy for them.