Peter,

It seemed to me you wasted time getting to the point... and in getting his attention or curiosity.

Here's a stab at it (simply rearranging):

Just a thought...

Peter,

One more thing...

I might say something like:

I don't know the specifics of your deal. But, I would try to demonstrate to him -- very clearly -- that HE's standing in the way of his own success... of achieving his own business goals.

Make sense?

Thanks, Erik. I suppose it's a gamble, either way. And you're exactly right: I'm betting on the conversation I think he's having in his head, as he reads the letter.

Kay brought up a good point, I think. Especially since she only has a partial idea of the context.


Peter Stone

Right on the money, JP. I was 'clearing my throat' instead of getting to the point. That's a perfect tweak.

Thank you.


Peter

I'm all giddy with pride, Peter, that you think I "got it right."

Trust me buddy, I'll be comin' to you for tweaks and touch-ups...

JP

Peter,

Thanks for explaining the context (and thanks for being so nice in your response). I do see how you need to anticipate their reactions. In that context (sticking my neck out once again) I think you could elaborate further by acknowledging this... something like...

"I know this is a bold statement and could even sound like I'm trying to be cute, BUT..." and then go on to say how you could arrive at such a conclusion. Like maybe it takes an "outsider" to get a clear perspective, or your phone conversation inspired you to brainstorm in new ways or your experience with similar situations gave you an edge, etc. etc.

Of course what is great about your letter is its to-the-point simplicity and directness. But maybe just one short sentence that shows how you could figure out the puzzle even though they couldn't do it themselves. It DOES take an outsider with special skills and talents. People most involved in a problem often can't see the solution.

Best of success (hope they are smart enough to give you this project),

Kay

Well, thanks to you 'guys', the deed is done. I sent it.

It's 'funny', how much I want this account. Mainly, because it's exciting.

Anyway, I really appreciate your help.

Now, if you could put out the vibe...


((((((((Vibe))))))))


Peter Stone

Peter,

How close are you to getting this deal signed, sealed and delivered? (There's the triad again )

If I received that letter I would be really put off.

Yeah - well, you would say that, wouldn't you? (Anticipating thought process of reader).


No idea what this means. Perhaps it is obvious to the recipient due to something said on the phone call.

Do you mean that you know what needs to be done in their particular situation, or do you mean you know what needs to be done generally? I just thought the first paragraph of this was a bit vague or possibly irrelevant - I mean, as a writer, obviously all you have is your knowledge and experience i.e. intellectual capital. If it were me, I might be more interested in a point by point proposal of how you're going to fix my problem, rather than vague generalities about what you sell.

The second paragraph strikes me as very salesy. This confuses me a bit because if you've already managed to open the dialogue and catch their interest, then hasn't most of the selling been done? It's also very aggressive and direct and reminds me of Cuba Gooding Junior in Jerry McGuire tormenting Tom Cruise to scream "show me the money!!!"

I, I, I, I, I!!!! Aren't you breaking the cardinal rule of copywriting here by relating everything to yourself instead of looking at it from the client's point of view?

Well, you would say that - wouldn't you? (Anticipating client thought process).

I don't doubt that you are Peter, but to me this feels rather hollow. I don't have an answer to this other than to say that championing your client's best interests is probably only something that can be believed after it has been experienced. I'm not sure if there is any convincing way to say this to prospective clients. I think you either have to get someone else to say it i.e. via testimonial, or you have to demonstrate it through your actions. That's just my take - your mileage may vary.

I shan't say anymore because:
(a) I'm English
(b) you haven't really explained the situation or whereabouts in the sales process you are - for instance, have you already submitted a detailed written proposal?

But to summarise - I wasn't entirely clear what you were getting at, it comes across as quite aggressive and salesy, and if I'm totally honest, there's a hint of desperation. Personally, I prefer a more sober approach - both as a seller and a buyer.

HTH,
Jane

Oops - our posts crossed as it were, and I didn't know that you'd already sent it.

Good luck Peter - I hope you get the gig!

Jane

Nothing wrong with a post mortem. "What did I do right?" "What was just lame?" "What would I do differently?"

It's all good, Dogette. Thanks very much for your good wishes.


(((((VIBE)))))


Peter Stone