Hey guys, what do you think of this opening? Does it grab your attention enough that it forces you to read on?

If you have a child and you are finding it tough getting him to listen and obey to your
well-intended instructions (such as doing his homework, spending less time on the computer, etc.) as he is always stubborn, rebellious or lazy, then…

This Is The Most Important
Letter Of Your Life!

Actually, it forces me to MOVE on to another site.

You need to learn the art of editing and keep Blaise Pascal in mind. I'm referring to the time he wrote, "I'm sorry the letter is so long, if I'd had more time, it would have been shorter."

My second bit of advice is to use many less adjectives.

Parents: Finding it tough getting your child to listen and follow your instructions? If so, then…

This Is The Most Important
Letter Of Your Life!


That is 100% better but could still be greatly improved. See Andrew Cavanaugh's post about openings.

Go into details about homework, etc later in the letter.

Much too wordy and also too gender directed. I've raised four teens and the young lady was the worst (glad that's over... whew!).

I would put your prehead on a strict diet. Maybe even get rid of it and just go with a more pithy headline.

Here are some ideas to get your cogs turning:

Rebellious teen getting you down?

Are you raising a tyrant?

Unless you intervene right now, your teen may be in
for a tough ride!

Are you losing control over your teen?

Do you know what your troubled (or rebellious) teen is doing right this minute?

...you may be in for a shocking surprise!

...what you don't know may hurt you!

Read this special report on how to deal with your rebellious teenager...

OK, want it to be longer, then try...

HELP - My Teen Is Out Of Control!!!
This is what I used to say before I discovered the secret on how to communicate with my rebellious teenager. Read this special report and discover how you can win back the respect you once had with your child...

This might even a good one for using Mr Subtles three part
"moving gif" or flash headline.

Normally, I would go with a lengthy "warning:" or "attention:", but in this niche you really don't need all the fluff and hype. Any parent reading these words knows "exactly" what you're talking about.

Save all your persuasive, rapport-building key words for your adcopy.

Hope this helps.

Hi Covertguy...

How about simple...

Got A Rowdy child?...

Here's The Cure.


Sincerely,

Clark Beltron
Clark Beltron Copywriting Services

Dude!!!

This so reminds me of the Wacky Packages I used to get as a kid back in the 70's (I still have a collection of them)...

Absolutely love it!

OH MAN!!! You STILL have your Wacky Packages????

The ONLY non-baseball cards I ever collected in life!

Does that say anything about my interest in advertising. I guess.

I found:
Tom's Wacky Packages - Original Series