Dear copywriters,
I am new at the art and skill of copy, but I am a quick study. I hope that you kind souls will have a soft heart for my plight…

The letter I have written must convert at 100%; you see there is only one lucky recipient. I am trying to raise money to buy out my business partners and my wife’s former employer is willing to look at the deal.

So instead of mucking it up with a phone call we have decided to send her a letter.

My wife is considered an “angel on earth” by this woman, whom mildly likes me… as far as I can tell. I think her real motivation is the admiration she has for my wife and not really the business deal; although she is a savvy business woman.

So there is the background…

Here is the URL to see the copy, any help is greatly appreciated and desired. http://leadssolution.com/letter.htm

Bryant,

You're asking copywriters for input, so I assume you want to write a salesletter (or at least write selling copy).

Your first word is "I". Bad move. Don't talk about yourself at all until much later.

Remember...answer the questions, "What's in it for me(your prospect)?" and "Why should I(your prospect) care about this?"

I would rewrite the letter so it's all about the benefits of owning the business and of helping out your wife. Anywhere you have written the word "I" - strike it out and rewrite the sentence.

I hope that's enough to get you started.

Hello Bryant

Please, PLEASE let me have a go at re-writing this,

I'm a copywriter intensively learning his trade, and this letter is actually making my mouth water with anticpation!

NO obligation forget paying me

If you like the re write I do, use it all you want.

If you dont, at least I'll get some good practise to help me to grow!

Thanks

J-Boogie

Hi Bryant,

1. The entire letter is talking about yourself -- your problems, what you need, etc. but nothing about HER. Why should she help you, what's in it for HER? Talk about that instead. I assume your wife has a good idea of her former employer's "hot buttons".

And since she likes your wife, it's probably better to write the letter in the voice of your wife, and signed by your wife.

2. You're trying to "close the sale" in the letter. Not likely to happen. This is something that needs to be discussed person-to-person.

So your letter should focus on getting an appointment (with her in a favorable state of mind) instead of getting the sale. Make it brief, sell the desired END RESULT for HER, then tell her you (or your wife) will be calling to set an appointment where you can give her the details. Save the details of the proposal, the figures etc. for the appointment instead.

3. I'd "dramatize" it to make sure your letter cuts through all the other clutter she probably gets. Send it Fed-Ex. I'd attach a crisp $100 bill to the top of the letter.

And (dunno if you have enough time for this, but if you do)... something else you could do is make a mock-up "news story" about the end result she wants, as if it already happened. (You didn't really give us any clue about what her "hot buttons" are... but perhaps the headline, personalized with her name, could be "<Your City> Businesswoman Deb Debanov Turns $X into $Y.YY Million With One Bulls-Eye Investment!" Then continue the story as if it already happened.) Then frame up the "news story", and Fed-Ex the whole thing to her with a little handwritten note attached from your wife, saying something like "Dear Deb, call me at 123-456-7890 right away because I know how to make this happen for real!"

4. Look for other business owners (even your competitors) who might be interested and contact them as well. The stakes are high -- don't put all your eggs in one basket. The reality is, most deals don't close.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Jerry Yeo

Bryant wrote:
If this woman's real motivation for investing is the admiration she has for your wife, a sales letter is not going to make any difference--especially if she's as savvy a businesswoman as you say she is. The best thing you have going for you is the fact she likes your wife. That gives you a bigger edge than any sales letter possibly could.

Unless I'm missing something here, going strictly by what you wrote, it sounds like a "done deal" to me.

Thanks for the input and suggestions. We are sending a letter (in my wife's voice) because my wife has a hard time with explaining all the details on the phone w/o getting into tangents.

I have to remain low key in the deal because the main motivation for this investor is her affection for my wife. She has asked us to send the details so she can look at the deal, that is what this letter is.

We have already sent financials, but they do not really explain the business, just the numbers.

Beacause of time being short, we are going to send this by email, the investor is waiting for it.

I will be working a re-write tonight with your suggestions... Thanks!