Hello,

This is some copy I'm writing at the moment for a friend of mine,
I think the product is really strong and potentially very powerful for any copywriter wanting to give thier work that "slight cutting edge" over the pack,

Have a look tell what you think..

(Web design isn't really my fort'e but, look into the copy..

http://www.bestinternetmarketinginfo...ewartindex.htm

Thank you

Any direct comments, good bad , the downright ugly, pls gimmie it all

...Puuuurlleasseee help me ohh dear God! Crititique my copy somebodaaaay!!

Jason,

OK, first the headline. I would lose the part about the ex-military veteran and all the weaponry-type lingo. It has no relevance to what is being sold and the product has as a broad appeal, so why use this approach? Lots of people have pointed out that you can have excitement, energy, urgency and force without using words like "killer" and "red hot" and so on. They are so overused now that it's more like, "Ho hum, another killer red hot product..."

The headline needs a couple of clear and specific benefits.

The copy has humor and a good flow. I think it fits the nature of this product.

Some of your emphasis doesn't make sense, such as when you bold the first line but not the whole sentence.

The examples you give of the two copywriters wouldn't convince me, because I can't picture many copywriters writing a headline like the second one. They wouldn't want to risk not having people understand what they're talking about. Who is Penelope and so on, and why should I or anyone else care?

However, I see the product as a shortcut to pop-culture fads and jargon and as I'm hopelessly uncool (obviously), that could be useful for keeping up to date--if I found myself in a place where I had to know these things. There is potential here but I'm not sure you've covered all the possibilities or reasons why I need this product.

I had to smile at your phrase "without even thought on your part" and I liked what you said about the static swipe file.

It's a good start but needs some more development in benefits and reasons why. If I did get this product it would be more for entertainment and curiosity than to improve my copywriting, but as they say, "I'm not your market." But then again...

Kay

Hi Jason,

I agree with everything Kay said.

I won't give a blow-by-blow critique (no time), but in general, I would not be convinced by your current pitch. Here's why:

(1) Any time I see a sales letter supposedly written by "a copywriter" that is full of errors, it immediately turns me off. I realize this is a review draft that you probably did very quickly, but even so, you should make it look as professional as possible before anyone sees it. IMHO, if anyone's copy should be perfect, a copywriter's should!

(2) As Kay mentioned, you need to beef up the benefits of your service. I didn't get the impression that it'll involve anything other than a basic clipping service. Will you somehow determine which headlines, ads, sales letters, etc., are effective and profitable? Or just collect samples that you like and think sound really cool? Static swipe files are used because they have been tested extensively and proven to be very effective.

I think you need to address those (and Kay's) issues before you can sell your service.

Thanks for your help B-lowe, and Kaymand!

Im definitely going to include in the buying reasons you suggested, to strenthen the copy--Its much appreciated believe me,

I wish you nothing but great things.
Jason

Hi Jason,

My first question is are copywriters easier to sell to or harder to sell to than regular folk? If they're harder to sell to, then you may want to rethink the arguments you're using.

Personally, I didn't find the story of Ronny and David to be believable or credible - it's too similar to the WSJ story - and copywriters will see through this "trick".

Also, I felt there was some incongruence between saying that good copywriters study the greats and then hitting us with the argument that we must stay up to date with current trends and fads. Also, when you presented the argument that the reason David's copy pulled better than Ronny's was because he used the name of some celebrities, the first thing that came to my mind was "oh no - litigation". Are there any real example of this technique anywhere?

I also agree with everything Kay and Bonnie said.

Hope this is helpful,
Jane

Hey Jane

thanks for your comments,

To answer your questions,

Yes I think copywriters are much harder to sell.

Which is why this copy doesn't really concentrate on selling as it does on "Demonstrating" to the copywriter what they already know.. and offering to take away a time consuming task from them at a cheap price..

The WSJ example was used because its what will be of "INTEREST" to the copywriter..

They above all people will "intentionally" see through what im doing and read finding it interesting, just out of curiosity to see what new take I will move on this classic approach,

--I would even guarantee that most of the copywriters who have looked on this copy read from beginning to end..Which looking at other posts on here happens very rarely--

-- maybe something "COMPELLED" you to read?
-Just a thought!

It would be silly to waste time trying to convince copywriters on the benefits of a swipe file--as all good copywriters know this already?

It would be like blowing air into the wind.

The only aspect im trying to show to the copywriter reading this copy
is the fact that:

" It "pays" To be aware of whats working Right NOW in the industry/market.."

Any arguments on that statement?

--"There shouldn't be.

Most copywriters I'm sure are aware of this anyway, but assumption is the mother of all F***up's, The story was simply told to illustrate this statement further..

This actual realism of the story is not what is important here, after all im not selling myself as a novelist here..So all that litigation and stuff dont waste your mind on it, ITS A STORY not a fact sheet!

--THe moral/meaning of the story is what is important!

MORAL: IT PAYS TO BE UP WITH THE TIMES!--A copywriter/any writer! that never goes into the world and keeps his/her pulse on the market is at a serious disadvantage..

This swipe file club gives people that advantage!--for people who dont have the time to garner it for themselves.

And I'm worried about this statement you made right here Jane,

felt there was some incongruence between saying that good copywriters study the greats and then hitting us with the argument that we must stay up to date with current trends and fads.


Dont you think BOTH are equally important as each other?

Maybe im just nuts!

But it seems common sense to me?

help me somebody! I must be WAAAAAAAY of track!

Jason,

I didn't read through all the copy - I think I read about a third of it.

For me personally, and only me, I would have preferred you to get to the point about the benefits of "trend" based headlines a bit sooner, and how your friend's product can help me. I don't really understand the rationale for putting in a story that you know your market isn't going to believe - unless you vocalise that you know they won't believe it and explain why you're using it. For me personally, and only me, it was a total turn off and got a groan. This may or may not be relevant to you - you must decide that, but I would have thought I was fairly close to being in your target market.

As for the incongruence - yes, it may well make sense to do both, but if you're selling aspirin you wouldn't also point out the benefits of paracetemol (even if you believe both to be good products with their respective advantages). The point, I should have thought, is to get the readers mind focused on the benefits you are selling i.e. timely/on trend/attention grabbing headlines. I would also like to see some proof that this information and approach works - assuming you don't provide that in the part of the letter I didn't read, in which case I apologise - perhaps the proof needs to move up the page a bit?

Anyway, please don't take anything I say on board if it doesn't feel right for you. Bottom line - the copy didn't work for me, I think it could be dramatically improved, but I am not the final arbiter.

Best of luck with it,
Jane

Aaaaaaaah Jane...

Your turning nice an sweet and diplomatic on me...

Whats going on?

You fall in love recently, begun taking extacy?

Bring back the "RAGING PITBALL" for me!

And NEVER apologise it dont suit you,

--seriously!--- wats all this?

"Anyway, please don't take anything I say on board if it doesn't feel right for you. Bottom line - the copy didn't work for me, I think it could be dramatically improved, but I am not the final arbiter. "





Yes if I were selling paracetamol I would Give the benefits of Asprin, why not?

I would even do like Brian Keith Voiles

http://www.briankeithkillercopyclini...dex.php?mid=10

And list every significant competitor to my product I could think of and thier beneift. Then I would go on to explain what my product could provide that the rest could not, and give a more "solid" reason why" for them to buy..

That part of you that pisses people off, I would say is your greatest strength, gives you your own neiche-without trying--, and something I learned from Dan Kennedy's matierials..

"Its best to Build your sales pitch BACKWARDS!"

From the faults up!

And you give faults "aggressively!"

So the PITBALL is VALUABLE.

so keep her off the leash!

and dump the diplomat!

Peace.

Jason