First-time poster (long-time lurker) needs sales copy help.

Rick K.

Hi everyone.
I love this board. The tips and copy methods I've learned here are nothing short of fantastic.

I've been lurking here for a while. Lately I decided to promote a product by combining an online salesletter, direct mail flyers, and cold-calling.

I'm in the start-up phase. This is my first try at opening my own business, and I'm a little overwhelmed.

As a former Electrician, the product I'm promoting is one that is in a field that I'm comfortable with and have extensive knowledge about...so half that battle is won.

I'm new to the concept of sucessful copywriting. I've read TONS of copy, created a giant "swipe file" and made lots of notes.

Using what I've learned, I created an online salesletter that will be referred to in the direct-mail flyer (when I get one finished) for further credibility. Maybe later, I'll expand the online website and take orders, but for now this is for local clients.

The url is temporary, I'm "testing the waters" so to speak, before I get too involved if the idea turns out to be worthless.

Would a few of you knowledgable folks out there kindly take a few minutes to check out my one-page salescopy? I plan to include some forms and bullet benefit lists later, but I'm trying to see if I'm on the right track.

Sometimes you can be a little too close to something to notice the flaws.
And, please be merciless. I'm very thick-skinned (my wife and I raised 7 kids, nothing much fazes me anymore) and can take it.

Here's the URL. Sunny Skies

Thank you very much,
Rick K.

Michel Fortin

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose

What a cool freakin' product! That is definitely a product that sells itself. I actually want it, and I don't own a retail store or have a place of business. I'd love to have something like that right in my home office.

A couple things....

I would drop the Neon Sign little story...you don't need it.

Continue to refine your photo's to make them better and better.

I'm not too thrilled with the color inside and outside of your "cells"....the yellow inside of light blue isn't doing it for me. The light blue exterior might actually be taking away from the pictures of your product (since the product is heavy in light blue)

As for the actual copy part of your sales letter....

1. It took me too long to figure out if I was qualified to get this product....I wasn't sure if these were just panels I could put on my ceiling or what. I figured it out when I examined the side by side comparison photos, and realized it is for ceilings that have those "special" paneled lights in stores and buildings.

2. I wouldn't just focus on what this product can do for retail stores....I would also talk about what this can do for office buildings.....how it enhances the mood.....makes your workers more productive.....maybe show a study of mood vs. productivity to back your point. You could even talk about what this can do for someone's home office. But again, you have to tell me what I already have to have (those lights) to be qualified to use your product.

3. From the retailers side.....be a bit careful.....don't talk about how people may stare up in amazement. Retailers want people staring at the products in their stores. Try to write to create a visual scene of how someone walks into a store with a revitalized, incredible feeling as they shop.....maybe show how mood effects buying habits, or something along those lines.

If I own a business, I want to know...

1. How will this help me sell more (on the retail side)

2. How will this help my workers (on the retail and office building side)

3. How will this help my own productivity....increase the value of my home.....etc. (on the home office side)

Alot of the answers will probably revolve around mood and atmosphere....maybe you can find some good facts to surround your story with. And then pepper in the "wow" factor they provide.

The product really sells itself. You just have to tell me if I'm qualified to get it....how much it costs (actual panels and installation).....and how this will benefit my retail business, my workers, or my own entrepreneurial life.....in more ways than just the "wow" factor.

By the way....I assume you're not going to use that domain name for your sales letter.....please post it when you decide, because I'd like to bookmark it.

Best Of Luck,

-Moose

Hello Rick K:

Welcome to the forum!

Impressive product. You should do extremely well with it.

Just a few things. First of all, I personally feel your headline is focusing on the wrong thing. Your headline should concentrate on that one simple question your readers want to know: "What's in it for me?" That's it.

Answer that question with a strong, benefits-laden headline. Something like this:

Revolutionary New Product Creates Astonishingly Realistic Mind Illusion That Will Skyrocket Your Sales And Increase Employee Productivity All At The Same Time!

Read On To Discover How You Can Try This Amazing New Product For FREE...Yes, FREE!

Regarding your copy, overall, it's not bad. However, I think you should get rid of the Packard story, and cut right to the chase. For example:

"Scientists have long known that sunlight, or rather a lack of sunlight, influences people's moods, thinking and judgement. The picture you're looking at is a revolutionary concept so new, so realistic, that your customers eyes and mind will be tricked into believing that they are looking at a beautiful summer sky! This mind illusion has been proven to enhance people's overall mood--causing sales to skyrocket--as well as increase employee productivity, wherever the product is showcased!"

I NEVER do complete rewrites on forums, but I do have some additional tips to pass along:

1. Give the reader plenty of proof. Use quotes from several mood and weather productivity studies.

2. Make sure your testimonials are believable. Use first and last names and where they're from. If possible, use their website or e-mail address.

3. I would change this heading: My Wife Thinks I'm Nuts! Instead try this heading: FREE Trial Offer! I know it's simple, and not as exotic as your current heading--but it works!

Anyway, that's my two pennies worth!

Laughdrjr

Hello from one former lurker to another.

You're shortchanging yourself with the story you're telling here.

This is what I would do:

Install these panels in a couple high-visibility stores - with the understanding that you'll be allowed some access to sales data and customer reaction.

Give it a few weeks, a month, whatever.

Then you've got a great story to tell. And the story needs to be about how the panels increased sales in these stores - by improving the moods of the customers, bringing customers into the store, and easing their wallets open.
"You'll soon discover, as this retailer did, that open windows = open wallets!"

I would also look at giving these panels to a hospital or treatment center. Do the same thing you did with the retail store. Obviously, these panels will brighten people's mood. Then you've got a story for a new salesletter - aimed at the self-help market!

Let me know when you're ready to reach out to the self-help market - I'd like to do a joint venture with you.

Anyway, you've got my first reaction and my two cents.

Rick K.

Moose, Dean, & Greg.

Thanks for taking the time to critique my first effort. Boy, I used look at those killer sales copy webpages and never realized the work, brainstorming, and creativity that goes into one.

About the opening paragraph;
I had been following Gary Halbert's suggestions to lead off with a story to captivate your audience, or tell them a unique fact, and make the transistion to the product that you're pushing.

So you think the Neon sign story doesn't help? That I should focus on sales copy? I was trying to paint a picture about how astounded people were by the first neon sign, and draw a parallel that my product would get similar results. Any thoughts on this?

Moose-

Quote:

" It took me too long to figure out if I was qualified to get this product....I wasn't sure if these were just panels I could put on my ceiling or what. I figured it out when I examined the side by side comparison photos, and realized it is for ceilings that have those "special" paneled lights in stores and buildings."

Excellent point. I'll work on that. Also...

Quote:

"The product really sells itself. You just have to tell me if I'm qualified to get it....how much it costs (actual panels and installation).....and how this will benefit my retail business, my workers, or my own entrepreneurial life.....in more ways than just the "wow" factor.

Another excellent point. This is exactly what I meant when I said that sometimes one can be too close to a project and overlook the obvious.
Thank You.

Dean,

Quote:

"I personally feel your headline is focusing on the wrong thing. Your headline should concentrate on that one simple question your readers want to know: "What's in it for me?" "

So I should stress benefits and the improved sales area? Do you think that

Quote:

"Revolutionary New Product Creates Astonishingly Realistic Mind Illusion That Will Skyrocket Your Sales And Increase Employee Productivity All At The Same Time!"

should be a smaller font header paragraph above the

Quote:

" Read On To Discover How You Can Try This Amazing New Product For FREE...Yes, FREE! "

Main Header?

Also,

Quote:

"1. Give the reader plenty of proof. Use quotes from several mood and weather productivity studies.

2. Make sure your testimonials are believable. Use first and last names and where they're from. If possible, use their website or e-mail address.

3. I would change this heading: My Wife Thinks I'm Nuts! Instead try this heading: FREE Trial Offer! I know it's simple, and not as exotic as your current heading--but it works!"

Working on those angles now.
Thank You, Dean

Greg-

Quote:

"Install these panels in a couple high-visibility stores - with the understanding that you'll be allowed some access to sales data and customer reaction."

I had planned on doing exactly that, but first I need to improve my cash-flow position to where I can absorb the initial product and installation costs.

I am also reading up on how to prepare a press release to send to the local paper featuring my product. That will come after I have gotten a dozen or so satisfied clients with good testimonials.

The salesletter angle aimed towards the self-help market is one I haven't considered.

LOL. Man, it;s hard enough to get some sleep right now with all the angles and pitfalls I'm straddling right now. But I will get back with you concerning the JV. (love your website, BTW!)

Thanks, Greg.

I'm astonished about how folks like you three help a struggling person like myself.

So, when my time comes, I'll remember the great help and advice and "pay it forward!"

Later,
Rick K.

Moose

"Fire Marshall Warns Local Businessman His New Ceiling Panels May Flood His Store With Too Many Curious Shoppers"

"Local Woman Admits To Putting On Sunblock After Being Fooled By Amazing New Ceiling Panels"

"Elderly Couple Curses At Weatherman Before Realizing The Ceiling Inside A Local Store Is Not An Actual Skyline"

"Local Businessman Reports 67% Rise In Sales After Installing Amazing New Ceiling Panels"

"Local Company Reports Record Low Employee Sick Days After Installing Amazing New Ceiling Panels"

"Sales Of Skylights Drop Dramatically After Invention Of Amazing, Realistic Ceiling Panels"

"Local Couple Stunned As Bids For Their Home Go Throught The Roof After Installing $300 Worth Of Amazing New Ceiling Panels"

"Local Teacher Reports An Entire Semester Without A Tardy After High School Installs Amazing New Ceiling Panels In His Classroom"

"Burnt-Out Entrepreneur Cancels Trip To Aruba After Installing Amazing New Ceiling Panels In His Home Office"

....it's late...and this is off the top of my head....but you get the point....

Peter

Hi Rick.

What are 'we' selling? (Rhetorical).

I think you have one of the strongest offers I've come across in a while.

"I'm willing to install TWO of these Sunny Sky light diffusers in your lobby or waiting area at no cost to you for a period of two weeks!"

I wouldn't lose that message in hooks, sensationalism, or anything else. If you've got stats on increased productivity... great. But "See for yourself" covers a lot of ground and is consistent with your offer. It supports your offer.

Here's a tweak: "I'm willing" raises the question: "Ok, what do I have to do to convince you to actually 'do'?" So, the tweak is: "I will" and say when... "Pick up your phone. Dial xxx-xxxx. You will have two panels within 48 hours".

Another tweak: "Installed" raises questions. What does that mean? Are you going to cut holes in my ceiling, tie up my entry way for 6 hours...

You may be able to cover that turf by changing the focus of your message from: "I'm willing to install...", to "You will have 2 skylight panels within 48 hours" End of story.

The rest of your pitch can be built around reassuring readers that there are no complicated obligations, no permanent changes to their ceilings, safe for renters - "landlord approved" and tell why - no permanent changes...

You will get a call before you get billed, so you won't have to remember to cancel.

Cover quality of service, including; grooming of workers (ok you) - uniformed, or clean, well-dressed, courteous, on time, non-disruptive process, quick, efficient, well-trained, owner of company does the work (you), thorough cleaning after, Say: "No deposit required".

"Ten local" Can you name your city - ten business in the podunk metro area?

Personally, I think the 'increases your profits' and 'beat your competition' are too big of a leap and I find it distracting. "Your customers will love the effect - or I'll take them down and replace... within 24 hours.

If true - you can see before I put them up. If you don't want to go through with the trial, that's fine.

Just up front and plain language. The sensational part of the story is your business model.

Just my thoughts.

Peter Stone
PS The whole deal rocks!

Peter:

I understand what you're saying about sensationalism. However, I disagree. This is Rick's current headline:

"Local Businessman Swears Under Oath That He Did Not Cut a Hole in His Ceiling to Take This Picture!"

In my opinion, that just doesn't cut it. Where are the emotional benefits for the reader in that headline? Where is the "What's in it for me," factor? Who cares that he "swore under oath that he didn't cut a hole in his ceiling!" How does that benefit me?
Most buyers don't buy logically. They buy emotionally and justify it with logic after the fact. In addition, people don't buy products. They buy the end result of what the product promises to do. For example:

Lexus buyers don't buy a Lexus automobile. They buy the end result "comfort and prestige" that comes from owning a Lexus automobile!

Shampoo buyers don't buy Head & Shoulders shampoo. They buy the end result "smoother silkier hair and no more dandruff flakes!"

Conversely, Rick's target market isn't buying ceiling panels. They're buying the end result benefits of what the ceiling panels can hopefully do for them--"sales that skyrocket and increased employee productivity!"

Tell me right from the beginning, what's in it for me, and then prove it!

Rick won't have any problem proving his claims. There are plenty of weather and mood productivity studies to draw from. I found no fewer than 50 yesterday, and I wasn't doing any hardcore research.

Peter

Hair?

Peter:

C'mon, dog. I see a few strands of hair in your picture.