Hi All,

I know that everyone here is busy so thanks in advance for your time.

This is a rewrite I'm doing for an arthritis pain relief product
to help impove the conversion rate. Let me know what you
think.

http://www.webcopy-writing.com/flex/flexeasy.htm

Thanks!

Ray Edwards

Hi Raydal,

I'm rather new at this and this one is challenging, but I'll take a swat at it since you want responses!

The first thing that struck me is that you take too long to introduce the major benefits of the product. For instance, you say "this may be the most important message" I'll read, but when you say "Here's why" I thought the reason was a bit weak. You talk about the confusion over choice in products. I think you could make that "here's why" reason a lot stronger.

The doctor's story strikes me as being too long and meandering, although once I got into it, I did find it somewhat interesting. But I think most people won't have the patience to wade through the details. They want to get to the point of what's in it for THEM. Can you tighten up this story? Maybe use a short summary of it and then continue it later on?

The product sounds good. I think you should bring out the USP of the product sooner in the letter, such as:

1. It's easier to dissolve because it's a liquid. (I like the story about taking an hour to dissolve the hard pill)
2. It contains special ingredients the other products don't have, the herbs.
3. The combination of ingredients cannot be found in any other product.
4. It was formulated and personally tested by a chiropractor in pain rather than some big lab just out to make money.

I hope this helps! I'm sure the pros here would have a lot more to offer, but these were my first responses.

Kay

Hi Ray.

The copy isn't bad, really.

You could stand to use more bullet points geared to the end user of the product. The ones you have appear to be worded in a way that makes them legal. Some could be strengthened by translating them - follow the bullet point with comment bullets as you've done with some, already.

Speak in complete ideas. "Widely accepted..." By whom? Readers don't believe you. "Many forms of arthritis" Which ones - I'm sure mine is not on the list, or should I roll the dice and hope that it is? "...Cox 1, Cox2..." So what? What's that mean?

Personally, I would bring the testimonials in sooner (higher). Around where he's introduced.

Remove the header, the outbound links, the "newspaper". Yes, entirely. That upper block is probably the single biggest hindrance to getting orders, on this entire page. I'm not asking you to believe me, just test it...

In your close, you're talking about Flexeasy and money. They don't want Flexeasy, they want pain relief. You need to sell pain relief to get orders rolling.

"That's less than 90 cents per day!" for what?

You're selling the payment and not the value. I don't care if it's only a nickel until there's a relationship between that nickel and pain relief. That is what establishes value.


Add a few links down near the bottom at 'natural' points of urgency. Such as when they leave the copy listing alternatives: You could take anti-inflamatory..." (That list is a strong technique. It's sometimes called, "setting the criteria") and into a "Try it today" or "Get relief now". Also, link the last P.S. call to action.

Complete your ideas
Stay on the value relationship all through the copy and don't talk product without adding the relationship between the product and pain relief
A few design changes, detailed above

And I'm going to bed.


Peter Stone

"... within 3 days of taking Flex-Easy I noticed a big difference ... my muscles and joints do not hurt me and I feel stronger as my discomfort has vanished."

-Julia Moffit, L.M.T., N.C.T.M.B.,
Cedar Rapids, IA.

Try Flex Easy. If You Notice No Difference, Your Money Back!

Test!

"Finally! Relief From Excruciating Arthritis Pain

Iowa Doctor Ties His Own Shoelaces For The First Time In 3 Years After Formulating His Own Natural Arthritis And Muscle Pain Remedy That Works Like Nothing Else He's Ever Used Or Prescribed Before...!"

My Dad said that the most embarrassing thing about having arthritis is that he couldn't tie his own shoelaces any more.

Paul Short

Ray,

Is it that arthritis relief is a confusing choice to make? Or is it that they are often dangerous? Or is it that a doctor created a pain reliever, that works, out of necessity?

My two cents is that the story can be clearer.

Personally, I think the physician-creation is much more compelling then trying to convince me that choosing arthritis relief is confusing.

It's a nice looking, professional site and I'm certainly not put off by it. I just didn't feel grabbed by the heart when I read the copy.

You need to get rid of the links etc at the top of the page and especially "all natural liquid relief and muscle relief formula.

This does not mix with a newsy headline.

Also the link at the left.

You want people to read your copy, not to jump all over the place to other links.

"Iowa Doctor Crippled With Arthritis Discovers Miraculous Natural Relief"

The whole copy is half good but needs some real work.
At least the product is sound except possibly for the Chinese Skull Cap and White Willow Bark.

I have a free report on glucosamine you could add to this product sale and maybe a couple of others.

But you would have to convince me of the quality of your product and perhaps meet one other condition.

Email me if you'd like some more information.

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

andrewcavanagh1@bigpond.com