Hi Greg!

Great site and copy you have. I really don't have anything to add except
one:

Have you told Dr. Hunter "Patch" Adams about this and got his testimonial?

Hi Greg,

I had a slightly more thorough read of your copy today. I think you make a reasonable case for humour as a therapeutic tool, but it's still not clear to me what you are selling. Also, I got rather confused as to why a psychiatrist is treating cancer patients (it might be obvious in the US, but it's not obvious to my poor British mind - I had to try to work it out myself). Also, is this your work, or your Dad's work?

I think there is lots of good stuff in your copy, but I personally found it too long just for a newsletter subscription. I also think you could turn some of the narrative into "here's what you'll get when you sign up".

I know how difficult it can be to market "panacea" type techniques as I have been involved in marketing one myself. The problem seems to be the absence of a specific target market with a specific problem. Do you have total clarity about whom you can help and with what? Can you help busy executives who are stressed out and not enjoying life? Can you help people with terminal illness? Can you help people with chronic, but not life threatening, disease and syndromes? Can you help people with depression and anxiety? Can you help people with addictions? Can you help people who suffer social deprivation and poverty? I know you document much of this in your copy, but it just wasn't totally crisp or clear to me. Also, the articles seem to relate more to self-esteem and relationships than to specific disorders. I believe that the more specific you can be, the more the brain has something to hold onto and say to itself "hey - that sounds like me! I have that specific problem, and I like the sound of that solution!"

Personally, I find the appeal to higher self-esteem, fun and better relationships not terribly powerful. That's just me. It's too vague. I have more pressing problems.

Also, as I hinted at before, my brain is wondering what you are really offering or selling. I mean, unless you are a philanthropist, then you must at the very least need to make enough money to pay for the time it takes you to write the newsletter and for your hosting. So I wonder why .... Oh, I've finally found it, the Fun Factor. I'm not sure why you don't make it more obvious that you have a product to sell. Either I'm being a bit thick, or it is buried too deep in the copy.

And finally, I clicked on the link to sign up for your ezine, and was presented with yet another lengthy sales page. But you'd already made the sale! I think it would be simpler to just have sign up box on your first page.

Only my humble opinion,
Jane

Tim, Jane, Dean, Allan, Dave

Hey! Check out my changes!

http://www.natural-humor-medicine.com

Based on your feedback, I:

1. Added the newsletter sign up to the home page (I DID IT MYSELF, *pat on the back*) Do you think it's too much to have it appear twice?

2. I changed the H1 headline (an SBI thing)

3. I changed the "headline"

4. I added a sentance that explains my offer (I need to write more...but it's a start)

5. I slightly re-wrote the close (it need a lot more...but it's a start)

What do you think?

At this point:

A. Are two newsletter sign-up forms on the home page too many?

B. What might you suggest to explain the offer better?

C. What might you suggest to make the close stronger?

I'm really trying to leverage your insight and generosity; thanks for your contributions thus far!

Jane,

I read your thorough feedback this morning. My first reaction was to list "people who should/could use humor's medicine (i.e. cancer patients, depressed people, people who want more joy in their life, etc.)" and then explain that I want these people to do two things - get and use the Fun Factor prescription and become part of our community of Humor Beings.

I could also explain Dad's medical practice a little better; he specialized in working with chronic pain and illness patients - particularly cancer and other fatal diseases.

You've all helped so much. Let's not stop now, please.

David,

Good idea. Patch is very stingy (not meant as a derogatory description) about that kind of thing.

My Pop has worked with him.

But we'll ask again, because he is a well-known name - thanks to Robin Williams.

Or ask anyone who's worked on the movie. It doesn't even have to be Robin Williams. For example:

-- John Doe, Screenwriter
"Patch Adams" Starring Robin Williams

That would be good in my estimation.

A few off-the-top-of-my-head comments (as I'm getting ready for tonight's call with Gary Halbert) ...

1) Add more signup boxes. Top, middle and bottom. Look at how Gary Bencivenga (one of the greatest copywriters in the world) does it for his "Bullets" newsletter at: http://BencivengaBullets.com/ ... the short answer is, for a free newsletter, you can NEVER put too many forms. In a sales page where the ultimate action is something else (like "buy now"), signup forms can kills your sales. That's the exception.

2) The word "natural medicine of humor" doesn't appeal to me. It doesn't ring well... And good copy, even though we sometimes write with SEO in mind, can be tortured with search engine optimization. (It's best to use a landing page, with content containing the keyword, rather than diluting the response factor in your copy for SEO purposes).

I would say, instead, "Humor's Natural Medicine." Sounds better, in my mind.

3) Headline can be greatly improved. My thinking is, you should include an element of humor in your headline as a way to "prove" your stuff. (Hey, I'm a big believe in proof, and even the signature and "M.D." at the headline good be a good credibility booster.) I would also definitely make your offer in your headline (or subhead).

Here's my stab at it:

http://www.successdoctor.com/projects/gk/

Look at how I rewrote the headline and subhead.

Greg,

You got a gem critique! I told you to just have patience...

Michel that was your 500th post! Pretty cool... Your little rewrite was VERY good!

Greg, I agree with Michel regarding SEO, and almost never work with it in my copywriting, I did in your case ONLY because you are using SBI... on a purely copywriting level, Michel's suggestions of the headline area are the best.

Like I said, SBI is not designed to be a direct response tool, but with lots of good articles on second or third tier pages, you can let them do the SEO work for you...

You should do very well now.

Wow! I can't believe what I see here. Michel Fortin tears up my headline and gives me a rewrite? Am I dreaming?

Thank you! I love it.

I posted a reply, earlier in this thread, wondering why I hadn't gotten critiques. And now...almost every heavyweight on this board has weighed in. You know the trigger of reciprocity (Cialdini)? Well, you folks have indebted me big-time!

My next question is for Tim. How do I put Michel's rewrite on my SBI main page? For example, his opener won't fit into the H1 box. Do you have any ideas?

My comments about SEO also apply to ANYTHING else that impedes your ability to write great, compelling, sales-sucking copy. If you truly ask me, dump SBI. Or keep it as your back end. Perhaps for SEO!

I know Dr. Ken Evoy personally -- he's only about an hour from my home. And I think he offers a superb service -- a needed one, too.

But look at your math... If you need a simple hosting account (like http://Powweb.com, which is only $8 a month), a domain name ($10-15), and if this copy creates more opt-ins, and thus more sales down the road, almost doubling, tripling, even quadrupling your sales, then what's a small investment really worth to you?

Plus, you can get a URL that's more appealing and easier to remember, like... (I'll send you a private message for privacy, as I don't want to post this openly.)

Holy Moly!

Thanks to the masterful copywriters on this board, my site has been morphed!

Look at my site now! http://www.natural-humor-medicine.com I "tricked" SBI into letting Michel's header appear first on the top of the page (instead of SBI's H1 headline) AND I kept my SEO-optimized H1 headline intact and in place (or so the search engines will think), just as SBI wants me to ("Natural Medicine of Humor: You May Never Be Unhappy Again!")

I've got the best of both worlds - I am using SBI's SEO configuration while, at the same time, not compromising a killer sales copy optimization. If what I've done on the site is anything new for SBI users, just tell me and I'll be glad to share what I did with you.

Also, I've created a separate, selling site that I'd like you to review, please. http://www.humorbeingnetwork.com I'm using my natural-humor-medicine site as an affiliate for humorbeingnetwork.com

1. Does the humorbeingnetwork copy work for you?

2. And, should I put my newsletter sign-up form on the humorbeingnetwork.com?

3. Does my close still need work (on the natural-humor-medicine site) and what might you suggest?

I'm sure everyone is still busy debriefing from the Gary Halbert call...but when you have some time, I'd love to keep this train rolling!

Thank you for your time, efforts, and energy!