And please show no mercy?

It's at: http://taoenterprises.com/chameleon/index.html

Thanks,

Ken,

Welcome to the forum.

I just looked at your headline area briefly and the stuff around it...

Don't take this hard, but the headline won't stop Mr or Mrs Smith from getting up, walking over to the TV and turning on Little House on the Prairie reruns...

Yawn...

You haven't told me anything that will benefit ME! Me being each and every individual who reads your page. So what if internet marketing is changing...

Dig deeper...

How is your offer going to DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY benefit me?

Will it increase my sales, will it increase my ROI... how will it make my life better?

Where's the proof that it really works?

There's a lot of opinion and rambling in your text but very few will read it, most won't make it past the fold...

Saying "it's true" in your opening sentence is ridiculous... what's true? That internet marketing is changing? Who's it changing for? Why should I care?

Just as a hype seller saying "red pepper" won't make their peanut butter and jelly sandwich spicey and convincingly hot...

A good letter needs PROOF...

I actually agree with many of your concepts (not all of them), but you have posted an article, not a sales letter. I realize you want to avoid hype, but to sell you have to make it crystal clear to your reader what they will GET as a tangible, "this is going to improve my life" benefit starting with the first few words right on through, one cliffhanger sentence after the other, till your reader gets to that order button.

Whether they feel remorse or not after the purchase will depend on the quality of the product, and if it lives up to your promise...

On an aesthetic note, brown doesn't do well with sales letters.

I hope this helps some.

Tim

Hi Ken,

I'm probably in your target market - after all, I am always looking for ways to improve the copy that I write and I'm always looking to learn new and more elegant ways of going about the process.

However, I wouldn't buy based on this copy. Apart from anything else, what's going around in my mind is that if your copy is not that persuasive, then what have you written in your book that is going to help me make my copy persuasive?

Some technical points
I thought you used far too many exclamation points (a sure sign of hype in my mind), and it's a commonly held view that you shouldn't use underlines on the internet unless they are linking to something. The subheads could be better for someone scanning. Also you use the term "maddening crowd" - which, given that it is in quotes implies to me that you are referring to the title of Thomas Hardy's book "Far from the MADDING crowd". That's how I read it, so as someone who suffered a lot of Thomas Hardy at school, I found it a bit irritating that you'd used a different term. Also, you used the term "ad" copy, so I wasn't sure if this was a book about writing ads, or a book about sales copy in general. I'm not terribly interested in writing ads, but I am interested in web copy, copy for postcard campaigns, direct mail etc. If it is a more general book, then I would prefer that you refer to it as copywriting or sales copy, rather than ad copy.

Incongruence
For me, the letter started off well. I was quite intrigued as to what the "new age" of marketing would look like. Especially as I agree that most internet sales pitches are to people who hadn't recognised a need for the product yet, and therefore there is a certain amount of manipulation and connivance that goes on.

However, as the letter progresses, I feel as though you are doing the very thing which you are saying you can cure my marketing of - you seem to be manipulating me. Especially with phrases like "But what if the cost was so reasonable that it almost seemed like you were stealing it". You know what my reaction to that is? "Stop pretending that you're doing me a favour" and "yawn - that's the oldest bloody manipulation in the book".

At the top you say that people have grown tired of "hypnotic keywords". Later you use the phrase "hypnotic infomercial" - so is hypnotic in or out?

Having explained to us readers that there is a new dawn in marketing and that we don't have to connive anymore, you then call the product "Chameleon Advertising - Stealth Marketing at its best". If that doesn't sound like something designed to help me connive, I don't know what does! Chameleon to me means someone who changes to suit their environment, but there is also a hint of superficiality, plus a lack of authenticity and trustworthiness. At this point I'm confused about your product - am I going to become a stealth marketer (which may conflict with my ethics), or am I going to become a more honest and persuasive marketer? In my mind, the two are usually mutually exclusive. But regardless of what I think, I find the whole line of thinking confusing, and I'm willing to bet that others would as well.

General Comment on the Structure
You make various assertions about how the old world order is no longer effective and that people are leaving the internet marketing arena in their droves, and yet you cite no examples nor do you provide any proof for these statements.

You claim to offer a more enlightened way, and again there's no proof. I went to the website of one of your testimonials, and I was grabbed by the poor design and the fact that it's a product site and there was little in the way of convincing copy. This added to my sense that this is not a top notch product that I want to get my hands on straight away.

The product is not tangible in my mind. What exactly am I going to get? In fact, it's not really even clear what it is you're selling me, except by virtue of some graphics which imply that it's an ebook.

The copy rambles and I don't feel you ever get to the point or make a concrete promise. I'm finding it hard to notice WIIFM? Somewhere, about a third of the way down, you start expounding on storytelling, but, having introduced the concept, you don't seem to elaborate on this or relate it to your product or my business.

HTH,
Jane

Tim,

I specifically asked that I be shown no mercy, so I appreciate you giving it to me straight.

I admit that I'm a better article writer, (and ebook writer), than I am a copy writer. You've given me tons to work with, and I really appreciate it.

I personally feel I have some really good products, but I've been scratching my head over the few sales I've received. I don't have to wonder anymore

Thanks for the help,

Ken

Thanks Jane,

I think I'm trying too hard to keep my copy from sounding hyped, and in doing so, I killed it

Sorry for the Hardy reference,

Ken

Ken,

Au contraire - your copy does sound hyped further down. That is my point. The promise you make is that with your information I will be able to write less hypey, connived copy for the new order, and yet your own copy uses all of the old manipulations. Therefore, in my humble opinion, you are contradicting yourself and this leads to a total lack of credibility.

Personally, I want to learn how to write persuasive copy that engages the senses and emotions, but without any dent in my own ethics. I believe in ethical persuasion, and I'm sick to death of overly hypey and manipulative copy. It is even worse when executed inexpertly. The great masters know how to manipulate below conscious awareness - but most of those that copy them are cheap facsimiles - in the same way that there is a world of difference between an original Van Gogh, and a vulgar fake.

But having said all of that, even the John Carlton's of this world don't always get it right. They can become entrenched in their own mindset and too in love with their way of doing things, that they don't move with the times.

If you really want to be part of the new order, then this is how it looks from my perspective:
- people fed up with the greased corporate ladders who are now creating their own jobs and businesses
- people saying that doing a 9-5 job or a 9-5 business is not enough - they want emotional and spiritual fullfilment as well as financial freedom
- people want to make a contribution to the world - what they do matters - not just to themselves, but to their clients - they truly serve their clients
- buyers want to buy from businesses that they can fall in love with, and that they trust

In that context, people want to bring something fresh and new to how they write their copy. They (I) want to tap into the heart of the matter and demonstrate the value of what they offer in an ethical and persuasive way. If these are the people that you are targeting, then I feel that you need to be less ambiguous and incongruent about what it is that you're offering.

So, if you're not a good copywriter, then how or why are you qualified to write a book on copywriting? This is not a vexatious question - simply honest enquiry.

For the record, having learnt all about the standard techniques and tricks of copywriting, I am now receiving coaching on writing in a new mindset. Really getting to the spirit of what I offer - and I must say that I find it refreshing. It depends on your beliefs of course, but spirit-based writing is usually much more powerful than appealing to base emotions. I notice that most copy "tries" really hard. When you're coming from spirit, you just don't have to try so hard - all you need really is the clarity of what makes you uniquely you. This is of course for service businesses, and is also a matter of application. Some people are still very successful using the old scarcity/amazing offer technique and I cannot condemn them for that. It just isn't my style.

So, if we get back to the point - Ken - what are you offering that is different? How does it really fit in with the new order? Or is it just the old order rebadged?

Jane

Hi Jane,

I understand your point. Thanks

I really do think that it's easier to write ebooks and articles than it is to write sales copy though. It's a lot easier to panic about whether or not the copy was convincing enough when you know that sales depend on it.

I don't know what to say other than I choked under pressure. I pretty much knew I had and that's why I came here to get a fresh perspective.

I think, in spite of what I believe and what I wrote about, I got stuck in the mindset of the old ways and blew the copy completely. Am I embarrassed? Sure I am! After all, I should have known better.

I agree with you that the spiritual is always connected to everything we do, and if not, it turns out like the business as usual Internet Marketing. I'd be a bold faced liar if I said I wasn't trying to make money at it all, but making money is the end result. It's not the journey itself.

The process of getting to the end is what's really important. Having integrity and keeping it all the way through is what makes it all worth while.

Growing up with a salesman dad, I was always taught that the customer was always right, and that you never sell anything that isn't useful. I guess my goal is to provide a style of writing that demands that those using it sell only product that they can back up with a convincing argument.

So I admit that I didn't do such a good job of following my own prescription. And, I guess I'm going back to the drawing table and practice more of what I preach.

Thanks again.

Ken:

You asked us not to show you any mercy, so here goes:

Tell me who you are and why I should believe anything you say. Give me overwhelming proof of your credentials. The fact that you're an author of an e-book doesn't sway or impress me.

Your headline starts out BORING, and unfortunately that carries through to the rest of your copy also. In your headline, I want to know, "what's in it for me?" Your copy also appears to ramble aimlessly. In addition, you're spouting a bunch of half-baked opinions but not proving any of them. Give me PROOF! I found one opinion to be particularly nonsensical:

What? Says who? Times may have changed, but for the most part, people's emotions have not. We're still susceptible to the same hype and garbage people were susceptible to in decades pass. And millions of people still believe they can get rich with little or no effort on their part.

As for old hypnotic words not dazzling people anymore, I can assure you from personal experience, those old magic words still work wonders for me and many other marketers. But, like anything else, it's how the information is presented:

The above "magic words" still work as well as they ever have!

Your sales letter actually reads like an article. That would be fine, if your sales letter sold me while informing me. It didn't.

Where's your P.S. or FREE bonus? That's elementary. You should always have either one or both in every sales letter. Give me a compelling reason to ACT NOW!

Here's a little tip I use when I write a sales letter: Write a strong, benefits-laden headline first. Then build your copy around your headline. You'd be surprised how much better your copy will turn out.

Hi Dean,

Thanks for your feedback.

You've pointed out why it's so hard to write good salescopy. To you, my headline was boring, to another who wrote me, it intrigued them. I guess the fact is, not everything works for everybody.

You asked for credentials. Does that mean that if I'm not an Internet Guru who's had all kinds of success hyping people that I'm not qualified to write an ebook? The truth is, I'm a storyteller and have been for many years. My concept is to incorporate storytelling into salescopy to liven it up and offer a convincing argument rather than hype. I guess you saw that as rambling aimlessly.

The whole idea behind the ebook is to change the way people advertise. What you've suggested is that I continue in the same way as usual. The problem with hypnotic keywords is that they trigger the wrong emotions, and though they may still work, people soon realize that they've been lured into buying something they don't really need. Not good for repeat customers.

Personally, the "Act Now" delivery smacks of hype and tells me that what you have to sell is less than valuable. Anyone who tells me to do it before I have time to think, and has to bait me with bonuses, is telling me they have no confidence in their product. Again, not everything works for everyone

I've admitted that I missed the mark with the copy I presented to this group. I choked, what can I say?

One thing I've learned here is that I have an uphill climb to get the message out. Most people are still stuck in the old mindset of duplication. Unfortunately, that mindset is what's making it so hard to break through.

Now one bit of information you've hit the nail on the head with is that I needed a better headline. Actually, the headline I used made it difficult to present the material in the positive manner I wanted to go in.

Stealth means deceptive, and that's not what it's all about. Chameleon Advertising is more about imbedding an ad into a compelling story that allows the writer to present a convincing argument or offer a solution to a problem. It's about writing in a way that will get someone who's not prone to reading ads to be interested in what you have to say, and actually see the benefits.

As Jane put it, it's about adding "spirit" to your words.

In any event, I thank you for writing back. I'm rewriting the entire copy with more of what I'm preaching in it.

Thanks again,

Ken

Hey Ken,

You're in a crowded field, my friend.

I found it hard to follow what you are trying to sell me. And if I'm having to figure that out...well...it's hard for me to believe that you can help me with MY MARKETING. Make sense?

You wrote about story-telling, yet you don't tell any story in your copy. Your story should interest me and establish your credibility - at the least.

And, another thing, the principles behind direct mail/salesletters/sales copy, that you say aren't working anymore, have been working for decades. And will always work. I wouldn't negate your message of "stealth marketing" by trying to convince me that these age-old, timeless techniques aren't working. Instead, for what it's worth, I'd try to convince me that your approach is adjunctive to these "old" techniques.

For example, on my site, I had a sentence or two about how "the medical community doesn't want you to know about the natural medicine of humor, because they'd lose money not treating you anymore." That's all well and good, but my little "conspiracy theory" digs detracted from the main point of the site - which is that humor really is a great natural medicine and you really can learn to accelerate your health, vitality, and success with it - for free! My point here is that you don't need any Trojan Horses (like telling me something "doesn't work anymore").

Anyway, that's my two cents. I'm not even going to get into the semantics of the letter, because I think you have thematic elements to sort out first.