Dear Ladies and Gents,

Here is my first effort at copywriting. What do you think? Perhaps because I am a newbie subscriber member I have not yet noticed any of Michel's critiques implemented on a business which sells different types of computer accessory type products on the same website.

As you will notice from my website, my business caters to the niche market of people in need of more battery power for thier laptops, portable dvd players and other devices. We also cater to people who travel and are on the go with thier laptops with our portable laptop and projector stand.

Although the need for our product(s) is obviously there, our challenge is getting people to stick around our site long enough to be inspired to either #1. Fill out our free battery audit form. or #2. Even better, make a purchase.

I have some basic ideas of potentially effective ways of incorporating some effective header copy onto my site however I am not quite sure what the best way is to incorporate effective copy for the rest of this site which already has established many links to many different pages. For a computer accessory e-business with multiple product models and types for sale is it really the most effective for highest conversions to just have a single page of web copy instead of having multiple links to each of the products off to the side like I do in addition to a products link at the top on my page banner?

I would also feel both grateful and privledged to hear any other comments/suggestions you may have regarding this site.

Which site looks better to you?

#1: http://www.batterygeek.net/indexwithheadercopy.htm

OR

#2: http://www.batterygeek.net

Much appreciated!
Sean

Dear Sean,

You can prove or disprove the following through your own tests - and we'd love to hear about 'em!

I don't think that style of copy is right for what you offer. The "sales letter" approach is more appropriate for stuff that people haven't decided they need yet, so in terms of the buyer decision making process, they haven't recognised a need and therefore need really strong persuasion. However, in businesses where the customer had already decided that they need what you're selling, I don't think you need to hit them quite as hard. Also, an aggressive sales letter can be quite deliterious to your branding, in my humble opinion.

That particular graphic style is not harmonious with an IT/technology company - again, just my humble opinion. My boyfriend is a technogeek and he'd probably run screaming and crying away from a page like that. People like him just want facts and data, not heavy persuasion and ugly graphics. The style of that page doesn't sit well with the design of the page around it - it seems forced and possibly even a little contrived.

This sounds like it has been translated from another language. Native english speakers don't speak like this. If you are a native english speaker, then I'd suggest you adjust this to sound as though you were talking to a friend or a customer in your shop; if you aren't a native english speaker, I suggest you find one who can do your copy for you.

I haven't read the rest of it, so wouldn't like to comment wholesale on it. My feeling is that people who are interested in extended uptime of their portable devices would probably just want the argument for your products expressed in facts and data, rather than contrivances.

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I'm glad you mentioned the things you did as they have also been on my mind.

Much appreciated,
Sean