Hi Guys,

Been kinda sitting on the sidelines soaking up the tips like a wet sponge.

Now, am I any good at writing copy?

Internet Marketing Consultant UK | Services | Specialist

Thanks,
Wesley

First reaction... your web site has a long way to go.

Aside from a handful of typos (and a run-on sentence), a few thoughts:

1. tone down your headline -- it tries to do way too much

2. give the reader some reason why they should hire you -- this letter is very short on credibility

3. give some testimonials

4. be more specific about exactly what you are offering -- as it is, you are extremely vague. Are you a copywriter. An internet marketer. A new age strategist? Be specific.

5. when I'm done reading, I still don't get a feel for who you are -- which leads directly back to credibility.

6. your handwritten note is hard to read

7. you say "But I'm not going to convince you..." If you want me to e-mail you, you sure better convince me. If you don't convince me, I could care less about your guarantee.

8. read this out loud... some of the sentences are very sloppy.

9. if you really want people to call you, I wouldn't restrict yourself to e-mail.

10. where's your salutation?

Bottom line, this looks like a bare outline for a sales letter... but unfortunately falls far short (in my opinion) of being a sales letter that will get you clients.

Sorry to be blunt... but you asked.
Jim

Thanks Jim,

Your comments are just what I needed. A fresh pair of eyes pulls out the obvious, overlooked factors.

Thanks again,
Wesley

Pithisize your headline!

From what I see...

Benefit #1. Slash Your Advertising Cost

Benefit #2. Generate Huge Leads

Benefit #3. Convert More Customers Into Sales

Benefit #4. Explode The Profits In Your Business

Pick the MAIN BENEFIT and articulate it in your headline

Trust me, it'll really drive the message home as compared to crowding your headline with TONS OF BENEFITS making it sound "hypey"

Supposing Benefit #1. is your MAIN BENEFIT... Tell me which one has more impact

Discover How To Slash Your Advertising Cost With The Power Of New Technology

Discover How To Slash Your Advertising Cost, Generate Huge Leads, Convert More Customers Into Sales and Explode The Profits In Your Business All With With The Power Of New Technology

* Also the "New Technology" you mentioned is very vague... what the heck do you mean New Technology?

Here's an extract from one of Fortin's articles on Mega Headlines which I feel might benefit you (in particular #2)

Also, remember this phrase... as far as possible, burn it in your memory!

When You Try Emphasize Everything, You End Up Emphasizing NOTHING!

I was overwhelmed by the headline also.

I like the written out look of the guarantee, but what the heck is a risk reversal guarantee? That is not something we have been trained to comprehend like "100% Risk Free Guarantee", or "Total Satisfaction Guarantee". I had to think about it.

I know we all want to sound like our guarantee is exclusive, but it is what it is and it really needs to be easy to understand.

Hope this helps!

Yes, you are some good at writing copy and have learned a lot about page layout and many other factors than brand-nubees are clueless about.

Get a copy of "Glyphius" and you'll discover amazing details about what sells well and what doesn't. After purging one's vocabulary of Red-Flags, it's much easier to create good, effective copy.

Dear small company leader,

Discover a simple way to slash advertising costs and explode profits by taking advantage of the power of some amazing technology.
- Glyphius Score: 419

A headline should MAX at 20-26 words.