Mortgage broker ad for Craigslist (Take 2)

Maximilian · 03:43 AM

Here’s the second draft to my mortgage broker ad. I don’t know but it seems too bland. Your ideas?

Since guarantees boost response dramatically, what kind of guarantee can I include?

My idea for a headline:

Remember How Great It Once Was To Be Able To Sleep Like A Baby?

(Craigslist severely limits the length on the headline)
************************************************** **********************

If You Answered 'Yes!' Then Read On To Learn How You Too Can Get The Money You So Desperately Need To Pay Off Your Debts And Go Back To Enjoying A Good Night's Sleep!

Dear Friend,

You toss and turn all night long racking your brains trying to find a way to get the money you need. You spend countless hours scouring the internet looking at web page after web page. No matter where you go or who you talk to everyone turns their back on you because you don’t have the best of credit.

I'm here to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

So take a deep breath and relax because we've helped hundreds of people like you get a fresh start. With our assistance they were able to get the money they needed to:

Pay off credit card debt
Pay back taxes owed to the IRS
Repay money borrowed from friends or family
Get back on track with mortgage payments
Pay off thousands of dollars in medical expenses
Repay high interest personal loans
Pay unexpected funeral costs
Save the business
Keep the car from being repossessed
Take care of gambling debts

No, we're not loan sharks!

Nor do we charge any upfront fees. What we'll do is take the time to carefully examine your entire financial condition and prescribe a loan program that will instantly relieve you from all the anxiety you’re suffering.

You can trust that you’ll be working with professionals of the utmost integrity because NLC of New York, Inc. is a licensed mortgage brokering firm registered with the State of New York Banking Department. You can also be sure that you’ll get the most affordable mortgage possible because I will not rest until we find a loan package that puts more money back where it belongs, in your pockets.

Now I have to warn you . . .

With each passing hour all the additional penalties and interest your racking up will continue to ravage your bank accounts, wages and all your other assets until you’re left penniless. After all, that’s what your creditors' attorneys are being paid to do.

Your best hope is to call right now to reserve your FREE CONSULTATION. If you have a copy of your credit report and it’s less than 30 days old be sure to bring it with you. If not I'll be happy to pull it for you for only $15.00.

Every single year hundreds of thousands of honest, hard-working families suffer the same financial difficulties you’re going through. The good news is that, with the aid of a professional, thousands of them have been able to go back to living their normal lives. Some have even gone on to enjoy even greater prosperity.

You Too Can Be One Of These

Success Stories But Only If You

Call Now!

Together we can make it happen!

Joseph O. Polanco

Mortgage Specialist

NLC of New York, Inc. Principal Office
35-21 Farrington Street, Flushing, NY 11354
718.353.4289 Main 347.558.7245 Direct
JPolanco.A58415@Mynlc.com Email

Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm (EST)

Evelyn S. · **Re: Mortgage broker ad for Craigslist (Take 2) -** 12-06-2006, 07:39 AM

I still think your headline needs work. The current headline sounds like you are selling an insomnia fix. You need to hook people who are in debt, not poor sleepers.

I would re-read some of the great suggestions for headlines made in your earlier post and go from there.

Maximilian · **Re: Mortgage broker ad for Craigslist (Take 2) -** 12-06-2006, 08:29 AM

You make an excellent point!

Here's what I'm thinking of using:

Homeowners, Are Your Money Problems Keeping You Up All Night?

How does that grab ya?

Maximilian · **Re: Mortgage broker ad for Craigslist (Take 2) -** 12-06-2006, 08:35 AM

If You Answered 'Yes' Then Read On

To Learn How You Can FINALLY

Get All The Money You Need To Pay

Off Your Debts And Go Back To

Sleeping Like A Baby!

Dear Friend,

You toss and turn all night long racking your brains trying to find a way to get the money you need. You spend countless hours scouring the internet looking at web page after web page. No matter where you go or who you talk to everyone turns their back on you because you don’t have the best of credit.

I'm here to show you that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

So take a deep breath and relax because we've helped hundreds of people like you get a fresh start. With our guidance you too can get the money you need so you can:

Pay off credit card debts

Pay back taxes owed to the IRS

Repay money borrowed from friends or family

Get back on track with mortgage payments

Pay off thousands of dollars in medical expenses

Repay high interest personal loans

Pay unexpected funeral costs

Save the business
Keep the car from being repossessed

Take care of gambling debts

Yeah, we CAN do all that for you and so much more!

As a mortgage specialist I will carefully measure all of your financial vital signs in order to prescribe a loan program that will instantly relieve you from all the anxiety you’re suffering. More to the point, I will not rest until we find a loan package that puts more money back where it belongs, in your pockets.

NLC of New York, Inc. has been licensed and registered with the State of New York Banking Department for over 6 years now. In that time we have literally helped thousands of homeowners being crushed by the weight of their debts get excited about living life again.

Now I have to warn you . . .

With each passing hour the penalties and interest your racking up will continue to ravage your bank accounts, wages and all your other assets until you’re left penniless. After all, that’s what your creditors' attorneys are being paid to do.

Your best hope is to call right now to reserve your FREE CONSULTATION. If you have a copy of your credit report and it’s less than 30 days old be sure to bring it with you. If not I'll be happy to pull it for you for only $15.00.

Every single year hundreds of thousands of honest, hard-working families suffer the same financial difficulties you’re going through. The good news is that, with the aid of a professional, thousands of them have been able to go back to living their normal lives. Some have even gone on to enjoy even greater prosperity.

You Too Can Be One Of These

Success Stories But Only If You

Call Now!

Together we can make it happen!

Joseph O. Polanco

Mortgage Specialist

Evelyn S. · **Re: Mortgage broker ad for Craigslist (Take 2) -** 12-06-2006, 09:01 AM

I think that headline is much better. Why don't try posting it and see what happens?

As far as the body copy goes, there are some little things you should change:

in your pockets -- should be in your pocket

Save the business -- should be Save your business

Keep the car from being repossessed -- should be keep your car from being repossessed.

I also think the copy could have more emotional benefits to get the reader engaged.

Anyway, gotta go. Good luck.

Maximilian · **Re: Mortgage broker ad for Craigslist (Take 2) -** 12-06-2006, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evelyn S.

I also think the copy could have more emotional benefits to get the reader engaged.

What other emotional benefits do you recommend?

wordsmith · 12:03 PM

Max,

A word of caution...

Quote:

You toss and turn all night long racking your brains trying to find a way to get the money you need. You spend countless hours scouring the internet looking at web page after web page.

You're making an assumption here

How do u know if the reader toss and turn all night long racking their brains trying to find a way to get the money the need?

How do u know the reader spend countless hours scouring the internet looking at web page after web page?

What if they don't

And besides, the way you've used the word 'YOU' is very direct and threatening. It may turn the reader off.

So, my advice for you would be to make a very general, indirect statement like this...

Quote:

MOST PEOPLE toss and turn all night long racking your brains trying to find a way to get the money you need. AND THERE OTHERS WHO spend countless hours scouring the internet looking at web page after web page...

Do you see the subtle shift?

wordsmith · **Re: Mortgage broker ad for Craigslist (Take 2) -** 12-07-2006, 10:19 AM

Max,

I feel your pitch is too short especially the part whereby you introduce the problem and aggravate it... you started off well and then you juz stopped there... remember... don't gag that master salesman!

If you need help lengthening the aggravition process, refer to this particular link of Gary Halbert Letters. Scroll all the way down until you read this headline...

WARNING: Do Not Read This
Unless You Are Already Rich!

And I want you to PRINT it out... and look closely at how Gary really SCREWS "IT" UP by scaring the living crap out of the reader before masterfully crafting a solution for him... I think you really owe it to yourself to READ it and use it as a TEMPLATE for your own copy

Gd Luck

marketingbell · **Re: Mortgage broker ad for Craigslist (Take 2) -** 12-10-2006, 02:48 PM

Thanks for the Gary Halbert link. An awesome problem-agitate-resolve that I need to keep in mind more often.