I am hesitant to ask, but would you please give me your opinion/advice on my sales copy and/or site in general?

I already see a few weak spots in my copy, but overall I think it is decent... for being written mostly between midnight and 6 am every morning... by someone who doesn't consider himself a copywriter.

http://www.personalized-sales-letters.com/

It's the site I am promoting in my sig.

-Michael

PS Please be gentle.

Hi Michael,

Why not demonstrate the use of the script on the
sales letter? I think you should.

Now a question. Can you personalize many variables?

I would like to do that in my sales letter with the name of
the prospect and another variable chosen in a scroll box.

I know of one site that does this almost easily in the most sensible manner
I want: projectmousetrap.com. It captures the first name and email of
that person, then redirects to the personalized sales page!

If your site can do what that site does, I'll gladly get it!

Except for a couple of things, though I doubt your product does what I
have in mind...yet.

Good luck with it, though!

If your server supports PHP, I can offer a fairly easy solution to a personalized page with multiple variables.

Please remember that my solution is server-side and the page will not dynamically change but a new page will have to be loaded.

Javascript support is required to dynamically change the page content.

A few comments for what they are worth:

What about Dear Deirdre, Dear Jane, Dear Carlos or Dear Rashid? Don't forget that women spend a lot of money on line now, and don't forget the other ethnic groups.

(Why does everyone on this board insist on ignoring women - what's wrong with you? Apart from it being sexist, it's just plain stupid).

I'm not entirely convinced by the premise. I didn't notice much in the way of proof that personalising links would increase my profits.

Personally, I'd like a proper explanation of how it works. Not the nitty-gritty technical details, but how I would embed someone's name in a link, how they would experience that and what would happen when they got to the "sales letter".

I saw this kind of thing used 4 or 5 years ago. It didn't take off, and maybe there's a reason for that. There used to be a very strong argument for personalisation of email messages (and it's still preferable), but I should think now it's more expected practice rather than response increasing. I may well be wrong on that - no doubt someone will quote some figures at me.

I still think online sales letters is a fallacious concept, and that they work in spite of themselves rather than because of themselves. What we've all got to notice is that what worked in the early days of the internet, doesn't work now and that most internet users have now been here for 3 years or more, which is an eternity in internet terms. i.e. people are savvy to the whole automation/sales letter scenario, and are becoming immune to it. But that's just my opinion, and no doubt I will be corrected on that.

Jane

Michael,

First off, if I were writing this, I would gather more proof of actual tests that show what kind of percentage increase an individual can expect to see by adding this personalization element from multiple sources and well known copywriters and marketers.

Though I have seen plenty of testing info that shows personalization does help, and I am even using it myself on a couple of soon to be launched projects, as Jane mentioned, you need to show...

PROOF PROOF PROOF!

And as Jane mentioned, include a female name (no need to alienate, though I imagine it was not done on purpose)...

Also, this may be an easy thing for anybody who is technically savvy to reproduce on their own, you will have to make a strong argument WHY it is in their best interest to get it from you... try and list at least 3 strong reasons why they should get this from you instead of developing it on their own - more reasons if you can think of them.

Development cost?
debugging testing?
your background and skill as a programmer?
etc...

Once you have this proof, this kind of product would be a breeze to sell IMHO... IF you let it's power loose...

Your most important area is the headline.

What you have is not bad, but it could be better, much better considering your offer.

Your letter says:

Ok, you get the point across, but you haven't let the power loose in it's shocking, full attention-grabbing, and adrenaline pumping details...

For example...

"Who Else Wants More Web Site Responses, More Immediate Sales, MORE PROFITS, That Are So Simple And Brain-Dead Lazy To Grab, You'll Kick Yourself Hard For Missing Such Easy Money Up Till Now?"

"Get Up To A XX% PROVEN Increase In Profits From Your Sales Letters Within Just 12 Minutes... Without Changing A Word, Without Paying For An Expensive Sales Letter Overhaul."

I just threw that together, and it could be improved with some further careful thought, but to win in this market, you have to clobber your visitor with strong benefits.

If you want people to buy this BEFORE it is even ready, make your discount much stronger... $47 instead of $57 just doesn't cut it.

Make your guarantee stronger, or at least more clear (i.e. 30 days from when they actually start to use it).

There are many weak spots in the copy itself, that could use more elaboration (or less elaboration). I don't think talking about how CR and CT works are of any real benefit, UNLESS you have some proven data that shows your visitors exactly how much they can expect to increase their profits through concrete examples and again, PROOF.

I think your letter could be about 3- 5 times longer with the right data, screenshots, eventual testimonials, P.S., and more... but the copy for such long letters HAS to be mesmerizing and oozing with strong, proven benefits. One or two DUD paragraghs, and click... they're gone.

One last thing, consider taking out your graphic header, or at least test it, there are test results that show graphic headers can reduce response by 50% or more... but this depends, so test yours.

HTH,

Tim

I think I should too. Will post back when I implement that.

No, not with the launch version of PSL. That could be a future update or part of another product I am planning.

Yes, capturing name squeeze variables for immediate use should be part of the launch version.

Wow, a comment I certainly did not expect! Jane, I did not mean to exclude any kind of group. The reason I chose those names... those are the names of my first 3 buyers! LOL I thought they might get a kick out of seeing their names in the sales letter.

Well, you hit right on one of the weak spots that bother me. That does need attention... more proof and examples.

In the event it doesn't help, my guarantee covers that. Again, I see I need proof and examples posted within the sales letter.

There are newbies coming online all the time. Also, if people were becoming immune to sales letters, then making and testing changes would make no difference in response. Just a thought.

You would think I would have done this up front! ( Things are moving fast. ) I do plan on adding proof and examples... this is a major weak spot I need to correct.

See above. Good tip.

Well, you make many great points... I appreciate your advice. By the way, can I assume I am allowed to use your headline and sub-headline example. ( Just want to make sure. )

Thank you to everyone for the comments! I welcome any more...

Thanks,
Michael

Hi

A got a few PMs for the code, so here it is.

Create a PHP file (test.php) with this - and upload --

<html>
<head>
<title>PHP based dynamic page</title>
</head>
<body>

<h1>Hello <?php echo($name);?></h1>


Thanks for visiting us.</p>


You will be happy that <?php echo($friend);?> sent you here.</p>


We will allow you a special price of <?php echo($price);?> because of his referral.</p>
</body>
</html>

Naturally, you will have a bigger page but this should give the idea.

Now call this page like this --
http://www.domain.com/test.php?name=Jane&friend=Robert&price=$39.97
(All on a single line)

If you use a form on the calling page that gets these variables and use the Post action on the form to call this PHP page, you will not need to pass the variables with the URL.

Please test and report if this works for you.

Arun,

I guess I will go ahead and comment on this before you hijack this thread even further. I passed off your first post as simple offer to help the 2 posters before you, but this goes a bit over the line, don't you think?

Perhaps they Private Messaged you because they realized posting about it in this thread is a bit rude.

Just for clarity sake, let me say that what I am selling is a bit different than simple featureless PHP code. It is ( or will be ) code generators ( for several purposes and languages ), tutorials, tracking, etc., rolled into one.

I assume you mean to report back here seeing as you were so overwhelmed with PMs that you had to post here to stop the onslaught. Again, a bit rude.

I started this thread to get some help with my sales letter, not to make sales... though that would be a bonus. Regardless, not only are your posts a bit off topic ( critique? ), they trivialize ( intentionally or not ) the purpose and features of my product.

Perhaps I should go to Jay Jennings thread and say, "Hey, I can provide you with something really similar to SonicPageBlaster for free that I just have sitting around on my hard drive. In fact, why wait... here is the download information posted right here in Jay's thread requesting a sales letter critique." I bet he would be ecstatic about that.

OR

Better yet, I should wait for you to post for help with your sales letter at http://www.seotop10.com/ ( or maybe you already have... ) and I'll post, "Hi all, I have a free ebook that will tell you how to get results just like using Arun's paid service. You know what, I'll just post the instructions right here in Arun's thread requesting a sales letter critique. Oh yeah, test this and report back."

-Michael

Michael,

Perhaps you can show us a demo of your product? I'm sure it's got all sorts of extra features that are beyond a bit of php code. Currently, I can't visualise what your product does.

I don't think Arun is trying to compete with you or offend you. His solution will only work for people who understand a bit about php programming. Now that I've tried his solution, I'm actually more interested in this concept, not less interested.

Jane