Hi guys!

The subject line above practically talks about my first site (and hoping with
all my might it works! My site, I mean). It's time for me to reveal it so all
of you may pry it apart to your hearts' content.

The site is www.DomainNameSecretsExposed.com/draft102004.htm .

I capitalized a few letters just in case some of you might mispell it since it
isn't the shortest domain name in the world.

A few details that recently came into my head as I type this:

1. Please disregard the portion near the bottom about lifetime upgrades.
I'm probably going to offer that as either just one or one of two mystery
bonuses as suggested in a previous thread.

2. I haven't added the button with my audio message at the top yet. I'll
get to that soon.

3. I realize many of you may be tired with the "Who Else" headline. Since
it's my first attempt, it's just that I need as much help as I can get.

Now I've some questions that also recently popped out of nowhere:

1. Is it okay that I added a "But let's be clear about something" portion? I
hope I won't "turn off" potential customers, although I understand it may
help to "prequalify" or screen out potential buyers.

2. Did I make a convincing transition when you read the three scenarios?

3. I'm also going to create a pop-over box soon to offer a 5-day report for
free. Do you suggest I allow it to show up after the 3rd scenario, upon
exit, etc.?

And of course, the main question is, is my site convincing enough to sell?
If not, can you point out specifics as to why not?

I look forward to hearing your feedback.

Thank you all. And wish me luck, too.

BTW, I initially posted this in another section but realized my mistake, so
I erased it and posted it here instead where it's more fitting.

Hi David,

I don't know anything about copywriting. I am just writing
to tell you that I have not read a word of your copy. It is
too dense. Can you format it differently? Wider margins?

Also the link has a dot at the end and doesn't work...

Anastasios

Too dense like how?

That's one challenge one faces: the possibility that it'll show differently in
another browser using different viewing settings.

Click the link now. I edited my 1st post to not include the period.

Thanks.

Hi Raiden,

Here are my tips based on what I've seen so far.

1. The formatting is indeed bad. I think you should center the table, have a bigger margin and expand the width of the table. This should greatly increase readership. I would also use a different background color, a shade of blue more similar to blue in the background of this page (i.e. the forum).

2. Your header is bad in my opinion. The "Who else" is not the problem, that's a great headline proven to increase response. But the way you phrased it now is that it almost says "Do you wanna find out how to screw up your domain name?". You know, it has a weird feel, it's like you're telling people enthusiastically about how to do something they don't want. Of course you don't mean that, but as it is now it's a bit confusing and doesn't sit right.

You could do either one of two things:
- Find out the main benefit of your product and make it the focus of the headline (more on your benefits later)
- Or, rephase the current headline into something like:

Who else wants to Prevent losing your domain from an honest but disastrous mistake that's killing businesses right now... And banish downtime forever with the secrets to counter the 3 biggest threats to YOUR business!

3. After the headline you jump into a whole fictional story about 3 cases of domain-name threats. You completely lose your readers in that section. A lot of people won't have gone through that yet, and the ones that have, have either found out about the solution or lost their domains and closed shop. Your real audience are the people who have these domains, are making money from it but aren't aware of the threats. Your primary concern should be to establish the threats beyond any doubt that they're real.

4. There's a lot of out of place humor in your letter. Don't use it.

For example:

This is totally inappropriate. This is not a credible, serious threat that's established. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you have a bad sense of humor, but it's simply not in place here, or anywhere else in a sales letter about this subject for that matter.

What you need to do, after the threats are established, is establish the solution and why yours is so great. You also need to tell them in crystal clear english that this will cost them a lot of time and money, and prove to them that they can prevent all of those nightmare situations with your short, easy and step-by-step domain protection product - in 60 minutes or less. You need to drive home your best benefits.

You should also play up the downtime issues, and how much money it could cost them. In fact, looking at the bonuses, you could easily turn this into a kind of 24/7 "website profit" surveillance system, which keeps track of downtime, domain name issues and threats.

Close the sale wisely. Don't use the "I'm charging $97 but you can have it for $57, but I'll raise it soon" angle. These people are doing business online, they've been around the block and you should focus on establish a real threat, real value and stack your bonuses for them to keep even if they request a refund. That's the kind of incentive people will take.

Use what Dan Kennedy calls "selling money at a discount" in your close. Prove in your copy that they easily stand to lose X amount of dollars, and that their "website profit" security is for sale at $57 or whatever you'll be charging - tell them your system will save them the time, money and possibly even their entire business when the time comes.

Make sure they have a reason to act NOW. If they don't, they'll leave your site and will think of this moment when they're frantically trying to keep their domain name and business alive due to a simple but honest mistake.

Good luck with the copy and the launch.

Thanks, Erik!

I realize I need a lot more work. But that's where people like you come in
when you provide feedback.

Now for the reply based on your reply:

Actually, my real name's David if you noticed my sig file. But that's an
honest mistake on your part, easily forgivable.

I learned from somewhere that people buy things online for solutions, not
preventive measures. While I understand the "logic" behind it, I try to give
as many solutions as possible in my upcoming ebook, although, in reality,
it offers more preventive measures.

My main goal (aside from making sales) is to inform people the things that
can happen to their domain names based on my experience dealing with
those who've been there, done that, don't want to go thru it again.

In any case, your suggested headline makes much better sense.

Chances are, only I know the answers to the questions I'll ask. But maybe
you could give specifics on how I could solve each one.

Questions:
1. How can I make the "transition" then, from headline, to a little more
intro or info on the subject, then the stories? I figured the story-telling part
will help people understand what commonly happens (and trust me, they
do commonly happen).

In reality, there are more scenarios that can cause trouble for domain
name owners that I want to reveal more. But the 3 stories are the most
common, which is why I only told those 3 instead of actually 4 (the 4th is
a ton more complex to tell...domain hijackings. *gulp* ).

The 4th story I initially wanted to tell about domain hijackings is a much
more complicated than people normally know or believe. Thus I decided
against telling about it, although I did give hints of it on the benefits I gave
in the succeeding sections.

I got the idea of telling those 3 stories based on my actual work as a
customer agent from one of the largest domain registrars in the world.
They're 3 of the main ones people keep calling about (and yeah, I took
their anger, rants, threats, even cuss words. It takes tons of patience
dealing with them! ).

Those who've been there obviously won't ever want to go thru again.
Should I give a link telling a real-life experience, perhaps?

If I do that, though, how do I phrase it, in such a way that, after a visitor
decides to check the story, they'll be convinced enough to come back and
read on?

But true, my primary audience are those who aren't aware of these things
yet.

I'll definitely eliminate that, thanks.

Darn it, I like that idea already! The perfect complement!

Gotcha, Erik. The more specifics I give, the better.

Hmmm, how exactly do I prove in my copy they easily stand to lose X
money? I'll have to read a little more on DK's idea there.

This is one part that worries me: how to convince the visitor enough to
get him/her to act now and buy it. I notice other sites do that, but I want
to be honest and forthright when dealing with my customers.

I actually based some of the copy from one of Michel Fortin's works, the
one on Shawn Casey's Internet Law Compliance System. I figured that's
the closest thing I could use as a model since it started on a threat, then
a solution.

In any case, I thank you for your input, Erik. I look forward to anyone else
who'd like to contribute more.

BTW, if any of you have any domain name concerns, let me know.

Hi David,

I completely missed your name, although I was looking for it, so I just went by your nickname Raiden - I totally missed it! (Although I knew Raiden wasn't your name - I used to love Mortal Kombat )

Anyway, reading your reply I got another idea how you can use the stories. Right now, to me they sound much too fictional. I felt resistance in reading through them because in the back of my mind I was thinking: This is a one-time case. This wouldn't happen to me. It doesn't concern me.

What would be a great angle in my opinion is that you play up your past role in Domain Name registry and position yourself as an ex-Domain Name Service Specialist for the worlds 3 largest registrars, finally revealing the horror stories of the Domain world, how hundreds have lost their websites and incomes and how to protect yourself from the 3 most common Domain Name threats.

You could explain your position in the part after the headline, tell people that in your years of experience you've literally seen hundreds of people lose their domains and the big corporations just standing by watching carelessly how their clients are losing entire incomes... Use your position to educate people on the real threats, and detail the 3 biggest threats you've seen by means of stories (but don't stretch it. You don't have to go into as much detail as that you're opening the mail, getting your cousin's invitation and paying your bills etc. Stick to the sales process)

Also establish your credibility. Say that you've helped X number of people, that you worked for the 3 biggest Registrars, that you know all the ins and outs, that you've seen hundreds lose their income while you knew how to solve it - and now that you're no longer employed by them, you finally can.... etc

Then present your entire solution. Provide a forecast of what a small, average and large income website stands to lose (Even the smallest website can easily lose more than 100 bucks due to extended periods of downtime or even loss of domain). You can do this in a table with some statistics and forecasts, it'll look credible.

Your targets are online entrepeneurs, they make at least a couple hundred a month online, even the biggest amateurs make at least 100 bucks or more to be considered for your product. So they stand to lose quite a bit more than your asking price.

Good luck

Intereting. May I ask what makes you think it won't concern you?

I ask this because many of those customers I helped before voiced out
something like that; that they never realized it could happen to them.

So far, you don't sound like you're having problems (and it's good as long
as you know how to fix it, of course ). But on the off chance that
something does go wrong, how will you fix it?

My sales letter is targetted to online entrepreneurs who don't know about
these things, of course. Question is, how much do they know?

Actually, I worked for only one. But I'll see what I can do about that.

You know, this part somewhat interests me. Although the only way to find
out is thru constant testing and tracking, are there any "rules of thumb"
when to determine the right time to explain your position on such?

I've seen some sites where they first outline a certain problem, expand on
it, then start introducing themselves and how they know about it.

Hmmm, this will be tough, giving a specific number of how many people
I helped out. From that, I guess I should get testimonials from those who
have read my ebook and can say it did help them.

If that's the case, I'll have to work on my ebook now and work on the
sales letter later. Not sure...

Or could I solicit testimonials from those who I did indeed help but haven't
read my ebook yet? What do you think?

An even bigger challenge! But I understand the necessity in doing this and
I'll find a way to gather all that and present it in a credible manner.

Speaking of which, did that ever happen to you? If so, how much?

Thanks for your feedback, Erik!

David,

Yes, that's me. I own and manage a number of domain names - some of them are mine, most belong to my clients

Nope - I don't think so. My registrar has an automated system that reminds me 90 days in advance of a domain name expiring. So, as long as I pay my fees at the appropriate time, I can't really see how any of my domain names are in any kind of jeopardy.

No - feeling pretty relaxed about it actually.

How'd you figure that?

Oh no!!!! Now I'm really scared. You mean, my domain name isn't safe? Why isn't it safe? So, even though I've paid my registration fees to Internic and/or Nominet, my domain name could still be predated on? How? What, if I was an idiot and registered the same name as a name at Companies House? How? Would it be under Trademark or company name legislation that it got taken from me? Or by some mystical force that can spirit legitimate domain names away from people?

Err, yes, very confident actually. I know my rights, and my domains are pretty sorted actually. All that fear mongering about domains being held captive is pure nonsense and keeping them captive is probably illegal. I can't speak for the laws in the US, but in the UK, a registrar is obligated to transfer a domain name out at your request. The only obstacle might be a "transfer out" fee, but that would have been in the contract which you should have read. These days, it would be pretty abnormal - transfer out fees are a bit 1999.

The worst that can happen is that your domain manager is a small company like myself and I go bust or die. But I always register all of my clients domain names in their name and with their contact details, so ultimately they can contact Nominet and ask for the domain to be moved to wherever they want it moved to.

As it happens, I really screwed up moving my domain from one webhost to another because the email address that I'd given my original webhosts had expired, so when the request to move it came through, I couldn't authorise it because I never received the email. This was quickly resolved by sending a fax to the appropriate person.

Do you only market to straight men? What about gay men? Gay women? Straight women?

So, am I going to lose my domain name because I didn't retain control of it via my registrar, or because of a trademark issue?

Again, the trademark issue is soooooo 1999. All the big and medium sized companies already bought their domain names. Most people are intelligent enough to buy domain names that are unlikely to cause dispute.

What nonsense. People will tell others of a bad experience, but they won't tell them of a non-experience. They'll simply move on.

Actually, I'm not going to go into this any further for fear of causing offence. All I can say is that I really don't understand the need for your product, and I find the fear mongering style of your writing to be reminiscent of another time.

Sorry,

Jane[/quote]

Raiden,

Don't take Jane's comments in a bad way, because her comments are dead on. She's absolutely right. She used a point-by-point approach to show you how a typical domain owner may/will feel when they read your letter. In fact, I thought it was totally brilliant. As usual, coming from Jane.

Sure, it's "in your face" commentary. But it's a refreshing way to look and criticise your copy by looking at it from the perspective of an actual prospect -- which Jane does so well.

I know what you mean with your article. I've seen it happen -- there was an interesting case recently with UpdateXP.com, where someone else registered an already registered domain, and had to fight for it legally. All legalities and agreements aside, the whole thing was a fiasco.

He tells his story in his newsletter issue:
http://www.updatexp.com/oct-special-2004.html

Similar to what Jane posted here:

But in this case, the domain was highjacked when the owner couldn't be reached at his old email address.

Anyway, my point in all this, is this: what Jane proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that you need proof, Proof, PROOF! Believability. Facts. Examples. Specifiy exactly what can happen, so your copy can be believable.

A harsh lesson, I know. Jane doesn't mince her words. But I think it's an absolutely powerful way to learn where you need to improve. And that's one of the reasons why I like Jane on this board. Often, we are so married to own products that we fail to write with the reader/user/client in mind. And that fresh pair of eyes is worth a mint, if you ask me.

Just my 2 cents.

And again, Raiden, don't take Jane's comments harshly. She's given you a powerful critique you can't ignore. Trust me on this.

Hi Jane, Michel!

Both of your comments are definitely welcome, light or harsh.

Jane, yours really hit the nail on the head. Obviously you won't need what
I'm "hoping" to offer, but your comments on each part gives me a lot to
think about.

Hmmm, the proof part will be tough. But if this is what it takes to establish
credibility, I'll do it.

I already got some ideas based on all your feedback as to how to get the
"proof" I need, so I'll definitely get to it.

In fact, to all those who responded, I copied and printed your feedback so
I can re-read it as many times as necessary to drive the points thru my
head. It won't be easy, but I know I have to start somewhere.

Like Erik started, my target are online entrepreneurs. But to be specific as
possible, it's those who are either new or aren't aware of the issues that
has caused many undue suffering.

Michel, I'm actually familiar with that case you mentioned. But thanks for
providing the link (I'll contact him and see if we can work something out).

Jane, no apologies needed. Let it all out.

Ultimately the answers to the questions I ask will be up to me. But as one
starting out, any and all help you provide will definitely be appreciated.

And no, don't feel hesitant to hold back. Let it all out.

In any case, I'm off to work. I'll keep checking here in case any of you
suddenly develop additional or new ideas you could suggest.

Again, I thank you all.

Oh, and Michel, like Erik, my real name's David as stated in my sig file
below. But easily forgivable.