Ive working on my website to try and attract some copywriting clients online, if you --any of you--, could pls give me some pointers, critism, advice it would be sincerely appreciated..

Thanks

Jason Strachan

www.rhyminglifestyle.com

Hi Jason,
Few things that struck me right off:

I think you have a couple of good concepts here that you could use as a kick-off point, specifically, "Real-Salesmanship-In-Print Delves Into The Soul Of Your Product, And Find Out What It Is Your Really Selling!" , and "...The Core Essence of Human Nature."

However...
1) Your headline doesn't promise me a benefit, or even allude to one, so why would I want to read further? It just doesn't grab me. I don't care about genius; I care even less about your genius; I only care about how your genius benefits moi.
Suggestion: Immediately answer the "Why should I care" question in the headline, pre-headline, or sub-headline.

2) The copy starts off: "I'm going to show you quickly right now, how to use the raw power of salesmanship-in-print to transform a plain normal A4 sheet of paper into as much wealth as you desire!"
This suggests to me that you are selling a copywriting "product" (a course, software or some such), and proceeds to selling your services. Very different concept.

Most readers would find this confusing, if not misleading. Plus, if I start off thinking I'm reading about something that's going to help me write my own copy and I get to the bottom and find out that I really have to hire you, well....you've lost me. Suggestion: Begin as you mean to go on.

3) The digression into the Nike analogy comes off as wandering fluff to me. For example, this paragraph makes no sense to me:
"But this is the mind of your customer, this is the mind of you and me, were not as logical as you might think, we just do things that fulfill our emotional needs before we do things that might be based fully in logic."
Suggestion: If it doesn't drive the message forward to its logical destination (i.e. Hire me!) then re-write it or get rid of it.

4) The copy talks a lot about how great you are, but you offer me absolutely no proof. And even the payback guarantee doesn't cut it for me. Why should I invest even my time (and especially my upfront payment) with you? Some testimonials would be nice.
Suggestion: If you can't back it up, don't bring it up.

5) Lots of typos and sentence errors that affect the flow of your copy. Gotta say, without proof that you can deliver the profits, and faced with that many typos, I, as a potential customer, would not be plunking down my 1000k or more. No siree. Remember, it's going out under MY name, not yours, and I don't want to look Cletus the Village Ejeeit.
Suggestion: "Just-Us-Folks" copy is fine. Appearing barely literate is not. Proof, proof, proof.

6) For me, the last paragraph comes across as just plain arrogant and offensive. It implies that if I haven't recognized your genius by now, I'm not worth your time? Click...See ya!
Suggestion: Don't piss off the reader. I may be "shopping" - checking out several different copywriters before making a decision. Why burn the bridge?

I gather you're just starting out. If you don't have any work to show, either create a mock portfolio, or better yet, schlep around to a few local businesses and offer to do a letter for free. Some people have even taken a piece of their junk mail and re-written it more effectively, then contacted the sender and offered it to them for free to get their foot in the door. It's a long shot, but I know it's worked for some people.

Once you get a piece out there, track the results and use them as a case study. Even one of these would help. Right now, your copy completely lacks credibility. I just don't think you're going to be able to attract the kind of client (in the price range) you're looking for, without some proof that you can deliver.

You've obviously got the desire and believe me, I know that the hardest part of this business is getting started, so I sympathize. Hope some of this helps.

Good luck
Collette

Thank you very very very much Collete,

for your honest and detailed critique, its really helped, this is the 1st draft,---i like having the 1st draft critiqued early, it gets me on the right path much quicker!--

Yes! You've given me some great direction of how to build this up now, you make me laugh about "village eeejit!" lol,

But I see your point clear, believe me the final version will be going straight through the PROOF READER mill, before it goes off.

Now to think of it, i do have a pretty amazing--well for me anyway- case study to talk about, that I could include,

Im still in the process of collecting testimonials but am definitly going to add them on there,

thanks for your help

Hey Jason!

Since your site is basically about "real salesmanship in print", can you
give a brief background about yourself, specifically how you got involved
in copywriting?

Or put it in a page so people here can learn more about you, especially
your achievements.

Hope this helps. Thanks.

Put your eyes back in Jane no need to panic guys lol, ill try toning down the next draft --just a tad!"

thanks,

Jason strachan--

Copywriting "SHOCK" specialist

You may also want to create an email account on your rhyminglifestyle.com domain instead of using a hotmail address.. I would definitely be put off by that if I was looking for a copywriter, or any professional for that matter

point taken, action complete.
thanks Eric,

"ATTENTION!" I can now be reached at Jason@rhyminglifestlye.com HOLLA!

Hi Jason...I think your letter looks nice..I would like to see some more color like testimonial boxes, maybe a nice johnson box at the top w/ your photo in it w/ some wording like copy-doctor.com website...

If you offer a guarantee put a logo for that, and credit card logos if selling....builds credibility.

I hope you do well and I wish you lots of success too! -Sheila

I think Collette hit the nail right on the proverbial head!