Hi, I am new hear though I have been lurking for a week or so. Great forum. I have 2 copies I would like judged. The first one I had done, then 2nd one is done by our corporate attorney. He feels my copy wasnt any good, which is ok, its the first one i had done and I know i can do better.
And at this point it doesnt matter b/c we arent even marketing with the website, I just am wanting to know which copy would be better if we ever get to that point. I think a few bullet points on my copy near the end showing some benefits would definitely help. Actually, i have them on a few other pages. Here they are:

http://3centfaxbroadcast.com -- Mine

http://3centfaxbroadcast.com/page1.htm -- The attorney

Appreciate any and all input

Thanks in Advance,

Chris Bradley

Hi Chris

First of all, your copy is better than your attorney's. As I had expected, your attorney has a formal, editorial writing style that's probably just right for the courtroom and legal documents but not for selling

Yours is better, but it's still weak on several points:

The biggest issue is the headline. It doesn't deliver the "must-have" punch that it's supposed to deliver. You're presenting a major, unique benefit that should allow you to take over a large part of the faxing service business, but you're not really formulating it the right way.

I also didn't really like the $500 dare. It has some merit to it, but it nmeeds to be presented differently.

In my opinion, you should follow this strategy in your copy (for this type of product):

Promise (Big, major benefit and promise you will deliver)
Mechanism (Explain how you deliver it, give a "Reason Why")
Proof (Offer proof and perhaps testimonials)

You can then follow by answering some objections, such as:

- Will this take more time?
- Is there a catch?
- Do I need new equipment?
- How do I switch?
- Is this for me too? (small businesses might have this objection)

Also you need to write more with the customer in mind. Don't talk about your service except to explain how you can afford to make your promise. The rest shou;d relate to his business. Consider adding a "savings" chart, i.e. a table with savings per month by how many faxes are sent.

Lastly, your design is messy right now, as well as your formatting. T

his will definitely scare off bigger corporate clients. It's good that you have the colored table at the bottom that says you can even go below 3 cents (I like that), but you'll have to look more professional in order to really get them across the hurdle of putting their communication in the hands of someone who they don't know. Corporations would rather spend more to make sure they have the extra security of having everything up and running, than to have any downtime, errors or lack of service just to save a few bucks.

Thanks for the review. You made some points I agree on. I havent even looked at the site for 2 months and since then, i read Maria Veloso's book on copywriting and could see my copy was on the weak side. And the formatting and design definitely needs to be upgraded.

Though, i have a question regarding my guarantee. I was using this as my USP. I thought it delivered the biggest punch which is our guarantee to give the lowest price. Price is what our customers are looking for. Its so competitive, they will beat you up over 2/10 of a cent. Any recommendations on how to improve this?

Thanks,

Chris

Hi Chris,

What if I come to you to send out 40 faxes, with a lot of graphics. Can you deliver those for 3c each? If not, then can I have my $500 please?

I think you need to think more carefully about who your market is. Are you going after companies that send 100,000 to 1 million faxes per month, or are you going after smaller businesses?

At the moment, the copy reads more as though you are going after smaller businesses, and yet you keep referring to these gargantuan numbers of faxes. This will serve to put small businesses off who won't feel that they fit your profile. If you're going after corporate clients, then you might want to change the tone and style of the copy to reflect the concerns and aspirations of the purchasing professional responsible for procuring these kinds of services for their business. Their concerns, problems and aspirations will be quite different to those of small business owners. The copy would also benefit from a more professional treatment in this case - you have to talk to your corporates in a way that they respect and understand.

Otherwise, there were some good points that came out in the copy but I felt it was a bit all over the place and not really building momentum in a consistent way. It might be worth doing some work around the following:

1) Define your target market - create a profile of the ideal target
2) Address the concerns of that target i.e. paying more than they have to
3) Features and benefits as they apply to that market
4) Consider having 2 offers and 2 websites for different markets

Hope this helps,
Jane