Hi all,
This is my first attempt at a fund-raising letter of this kind, and I would love your feedback. It's a pro-bono job, and the organisation only has $3,000 to spend on their direct mail (print) effort (I advised them to spend it on a good list). I really want to be sure that this letter is the best it can be since they don't have very much money to lose, and they need this to work.

The letter can be accessed at www.chocho1.bravehost.com

Any and all feedback on headlines, layout, formatting and general feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Collette

Collette,

You have an excellent start. It's a solid letter, but there are a few things you could do to give it even more impact.

I unfortunately don't have time in this moment to give you a full review, as I am walking out the door, but if you don't get a response from one of my friends here, I'll give you a detailed critique.

Being that this is a fund-raiser, you really have to shock and horrify your readers to action (and you did), but it could be even stronger (without exaggerating)... I have some ideas that I will share when I get back in.

Thanks for the kind words, Tim. I appreciate any pointers you can pass on.

Thanks again,
Collette

Collette,

Sorry for the delay, I wanted to give you a good response, just haven't had time till now.

One trick you may already know about to really get some bang out of your buck with the mailing is to have someone handwrite all the addresses. Get a volunteer to do this, or make it a group effort. Also, instead of Dear Friend, write Dear (blank) then put in the first name, or Mr. Smith (whatever you have), handwritten.

Personalizing a letter will really boost response rates. I've even heard that you shouldn't put a return address on the envelope (this makes people curious and open it). Make it look personal.

Your first objective is to get them to open the letter (if they don't open it, the rest is useless).

Fold the letter so that the headline is the first thing they see when they pull it out.

Regarding the letter...

Your headline:

This is good, it gets attention. Here's a possibility for your consideration:

He hardly noticed the pile of dirty rags in the corner - until the pile moved... What John W. saw next shocked and horrified him...

"Hardly noticed" is stronger than "thought", and "pile" is better than "bundle" because "bundle" can have a warm meaning, you want to stay in theme of "shocking", "horrified"... "pile" works better. This may be a minor consideration though, and of little consequence.

All in all your headline is good.

Salutation:

Insert in whom this is from, and a subject...

From: Gary Holliman, Director, PrideRock Wildlife Refuge
Subject: Lives are at stake, and we desperately need your help

Don't hold back, this kind of subject line will get their attention big time, and let them know this is serious.

Dear (handwritten name here),

Body

Where is this breeder's facility? Is it in Africa? In America?

If it's in America... this will indeed shock people, if it's in Africa, you need to make the bridge to why this is an American problem even stronger. Do you have any statistics of how many are maimed by Tigers and Lions outside of Zoos each year? Are there breeder facilities like the above one in America too (if it isn't in America)? Make this a little more clear to bring the problem closer to home.

There are a few things you can do to tighten up the letter in the body (but don't lose heart, it IS good), it could just use some fine tuning, and a little more punch towards the problem, in a few sentences.

Subheads:

These are critical to your short letter, and need to be really captivating to suck in your scanning readers.

This means nothing to someone who is scanning quickly, and they'll go to the next subhead. Grab them with your subheads, think of them as teasers to read your paragraphs (and tell the big picture story), an example for the above subhead...

A deadly tragedy that is far too common...

Unbelievably, it gets worse.

Please help us STOP this cruel madness!

At the bottom, have the director sign the page (he doesn't have to sign each one, though this would help!)... just the original before printing it.

Last suggestion, in your PPS, remind your readers that this is 100% tax deductible.

Hope this helps you, best of luck.

Tim

Tim you are awesome! Great comments! Everything you said makes for a much stronger letter, without going over the top. Thank you so much for taking the time to help out - I really appreciate it.

Back to the keyboard, armed with a fine-tooth comb...

Collette