EBay rewrite proposition

DMainville · **EBay rewrite proposition -** 10-28-2006, 01:58 AM

A follow up email sent to an ebay lister.. don't want it to come off too impersonal while still keeping a business feel. Critique Please.

Quote:

My service is a full revision of your current page. This includes two drafts as needed delivered via email in pdf format. Once we communicate changes desired the final copy will be delivered as a Text Document again delivered via email.

Copywriting is a very profitable business with pricing anywhere from hundreds to thousands of dollars. I contacted you to let you in on a limited time offer I'm presenting to members of ebay. If you reply within 48 hours I will give you a Two-Hundred-Dollar discounted price of $$$. Again this offer is only for a limited time and will expire on the 30th. You want to act soon.

A 50% deposit, via PayPal, will be required to begin work on your project. Deposit can be sent to XXXXXX to begin work.

netvicar · **Ebay prospecting email -** 10-28-2006, 02:44 AM

Most people who get that email will wonder what the heck you are selling and why should they give you their money. It's confusing.

Why? Because you're missing a very critical foundation item: benefits.

You are also missing "pain". There's no reason for them to respond.

Until your reader feels a reason to buy they will just delete your email, and maybe even report you for spamming... only because they don't know what you are selling.

I wouldn't mention the word copywriter because most people have no clue what that is. They think it has something to do with book publishing.

I'd test and retest something like the email below.

Andre

----

Hello (their name),

I noticed your ebay auction expired without any bids. I looked over your ad and see there's some room for improvement. (Oops! I see there are also 17 mistakes that actually prevented your auction from selling at all.)

With your permission I'd like to rewrite your auction for you and guarantee you will finally not just sell your [item] -- but sell it at top dollar possible. I've done this for 386 other eBayers and I'm certain I can help you too.

If finally selling your [item] is something you might be interested in please email me [or whatever cta you want] and I will shoot the details over to you about what I have in mind.

There's no charge for the information. It's just that I also love [item] and hate for it not to find a good home

Sincerely,

ME
PS: Just so you know I'm for real.. here's what a couple of other eBayers had to say about me (check out my positive feed back too by the way):

[testimonials]
[testimonials]
[testimonials]

netvicar · **Followup email -** 10-28-2006, 02:57 AM

Dave,

Watch for a pm from me of how I'd rewrite the follow up to "piggy back" the above email. As long as power doesn't go out, it will take me just a couple more minutes.

Andre

DMainville · 10-28-2006, 04:27 PM

Andre,

Got the PM! Again, this is great insight. I feel I've already lost my first bid but I'm taking it in stride as a learning experience. Add on what you've given me and the 'learning curve' goes through the roof. Thanks a ton!

netvicar · 10-29-2006, 12:27 AM

Glad to help Dave.

Feel free to let me know how it goes.

Andre