This Dead Man’s Wisdom Could Earn You An Extra $100,000.00 In 2007

JP Maroney

I'm working on a 'story' opening for a sales letter. Wanting feedback on how captivating and compelling it is (or isn't).

a) Would the headline pull you in (or more important... a prospect)?
b) Would the copy make you want to keep reading?

Love to hear your feedback...

Quote:

This Dead Man’s Wisdom Could Earn
You An Extra $100,000.00 In 2007

By JP Maroney

“Joe Died,” I mumbled. Barely able to get the words past my lips as I broke the news to my wife. She sat speechless on the other end of the line.

“What happened,” she finally whispered.

I told her what I knew. How his life had been snatched from him in a moment.

It had only been days since he and I were together. We had sat across from each other, eating barbeque, and talking about the future.

Now, it was over.

He had only his past. I was thinking about the future.

In the brief eighteen months we had known each other, he had made a profound impact on my life. He was a mentor. An advisor. A friend.

His storehouse of knowledge had been responsible for putting more than a quarter of a million dollars in my pocket in the last year and a half.

Now… he was gone FOREVER!

But I had one consolation. I would never, ever be the same again for having come into contact with this amazing man.

I would always have what he taught me. And now…

You get to learn what he taught me about
Rapid Wealth Accumulation!

Let me share the story with you…

Deb Holder · 10-27-2006, 12:35 PM

It certainly captured my attention.

MRomeo99 · 10-27-2006, 01:10 PM

I had a hard time with this part:

"....We had sat across from each other, eating barbeque, and talking about the future.

Now, it was over.

He had only his past. I was thinking about the future."

I stumbled on it both times I read it. It could be me. But, it's a little incongruous. I wondered why he only had his past, did he know he was dying last time you met and talked about the future.

It could be me like I said, but I just didn't like that one part. Some ideas off the top of my head.

"Now, it was over.

His life has come to a screeching halt, even though he had grand plans for the future."

Hope this helps.

M

Stephen Davies · 10-27-2006, 03:31 PM

JP,
I was wondering how long it would be before you finally released this information to the public (I'm assuming that's what you're gearing up for).

This is definitely gonna a be an excellent product... can't wait for its release!

sheriw · **thoughts -** 10-27-2006, 03:36 PM

JP,
You certainly have an attention-getting opener. But the problem is, it's a real down note to read about a close friend's death in the first paragraphs of a sales letter (for me, anyway). I'm thinking you would want to start on a more positive note.

You do have a strong link with Joe, your mentor. But instead of making his passing away the pivot of your message, I would start elsewhere.

Just my thoughts,
Sheri