(NEW EDIT 1 October: I rewrote the letter, so the following posts till after Michel's post refer to the older version... which I took down)

My first attempt didn't pull as well as hoped (OK results), could partially be too much poor PPC traffic, don't really know, as I am not seeing specific tracking data here like I normally do...

Anyway, I decided to make a complete rewrite of the top fold, with just a few minor touch-ups throughout the body, and would love your opinions on this second, yet to be tested version before I pass it to my client...

(I just added the 3 testimonials under the top fold name sig... outside of Johnson boxes to help build immediate credibility to the main promises, to see if this helps)

Target: Parrot owners, or individuals considering becoming parrot owners... Very passionate, love their pets, at least 50% women, if not more.

From feedback, many want to teach their parrot to talk and do tricks, stop biting, stop screaming, health and diet issues, further training issues, and advice on choosing a species... more or less in that order (all in all, a mixed market)...

http://www.translate-to-success.com/parrotsecrets3.html

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

Tim

Hi Tim,

What first stopped me was the headline. "Not your parrot"? I see what you mean there but it stopped me and confused me a bit at first glance, it disrupted the flow for me. Then the next part sounds very extreme. I understand that you'd like to make a big promise, but I don't think people want to cry tears of joy over their parrot, but rather train him exactly the way they want it.

I think people look up to bird trainers for that skill and that your product's main benefit is exactly that: learning the skill to train your bird to obey their every command as good as a bird trainer and as easy as following step-by-step instructions (Hey, that could even be turned into a headline)

Also, when you say "Keep A Glowing, Fit Parrot "Star"", I think you're also missing the mark a bit. I believe in painting highly realistic and desirable paintings based on the customers desired benefits.

I think you're using too much hypey language and that it gets in the way of a good perception of the offer - at least on the top fold. Of course, with some products, hype is in fact needed to color the offer (esp. with high expectation products like get rich quick and success products), but I think here it's clouding the benefits that you're really trying to drive home to create a strong offer.

Hope this is at all helpful - maybe others have more comments.

Erik,

Thanks for taking the time to take a look...

However, I am fairly certain that I need to hit even harder, and so I made another edit that does just that (it's still not finished, it's rough and messy, and I will edit it again).

But opinions are very welcome.

A misbehaving parrot is no joke, they can be vicious little pigs that draw blood, and scream amp busting decibels day and night...owners can become quite desperate, really to the point of tossing their birds to the wind... so I addressed that aggressively, using some exaggerated humor that a parrot sufferer can also relate to...

It is a real tragedy for a parrot to be "freed", or turned over to a pet shop, and from what I have gathered, owners most often do so with a very heavy heart...

On the surface, it doesn't seem like such a passionate theme, but this one is almost worse than IM! It has the full spectrum of emotions (except making money)

Don't grimace too loudly... but I think it is getting closer to a selling letter...

http://www.translate-to-success.com/parrotsecrets3.html

Hi Tim,

Don Bice was very successful selling a parrot training course, and I remember he said one of the big motivations for training a parrot is to amaze friends, family and other bird owners. You could test a headline with that appeal.

Other major concerns are

1. No punishment involved, only reward. You did mention it in your letter, but I think you could emphasize it more. And also more explicitly, instead of just saying "based on love".

2. They don't have time to train. In your sales letter you mentioned 15 days, but it could be interpreted as 15 days full-time, and prospects might think "when can I set aside 15 days". Perhaps try something like X minutes a day.

I think http://birdtricks.com/ was written by Michel -- could be used as a reference.

Best,
Jerry

Yeo,

Those were good points.

In my first attempt (that did ok, 1.5% Cr - it was profitable) with general PPC traffic only, focused heavily on the "training without punishment"... very "lovey" and soft...

I am going this completely opposite direction just as another test, because my client plans on doing some extensive testing, I want to see how this different tone does before he goes into that phase.

You are right about "tricks and amazing friends" and that is the one element that I DO want to emphasize more, I'm looking for ways to work it into my edits.

Very good point about "laziness" or lack of time (people want everything yesterday, without effort). Need to address more clearly.

I do know about BirdTricks.com, and it is a VERY good letter... yes, another wonderful production from the SuccessDoctor salescopy factory...

Just want to make sure I don't become a "Cut and Paste" "copy"writer...

Ok...

Made my last edits for now, and sending it in to test...

Thanks Erik and Yeo, you both triggered some ideas that helped...

If you want to see what I'm sending in, it's at the same link as before:

http://www.translate-to-success.com/parrotsecrets3.html

Let's see if it flies better this time...

Tim,

1. The flow is a little clunky. For example, you use a lot of analogies, which is good. But for some reason, there's way too many of them. In the same vein, I personally don't like your headline. It's just my opinion. To me, it's clunky. Powerful, but clunky.

2. It seems that you're separating your copy between a shotgun "summary" version at the top and a long version below, with the salutation. Problem is, there's no flow and it puts your reader in a defensive mode too early. They'll click away fast.

3. You introduce your product a bit too early I think. The flow of the copy needs to be restructured. For example, I would put more linkage to the reader, and some transitional copy where the testimonial, j-box and the product is introduced -- or simply put it later in the copy.

4. Cosmetically, put your page numbers in red rather than the bullet's lead... for example, rather than:

Mute as a fish? Discover the best way to inspire your parrot to talk more. (See Page 3)...

Use...

Mute as a fish? Discover the best way to inspire your parrot to talk more. (See Page 3)...

In fact, the large red bulleted lists (the copy, not the bullets) is really hard on the eyes.

5. I love this section:

Heck, you can use that as the main thrust of the entire letter, such as (headline):

"How To Bring Your Parrot's Rebellious Behavior To A Grinding Halt In Only 3 Simple Steps... Start Seeing Results Almost Immediately, Guaranteed!"


"Transform Your Feathered Friend From In-House Monster To Stand-Up Comedian, Easy As A Roll-On-The-Floor Laugh In Only 15-30 Minutes A Day. See Results Immediately, And Stunning Results In 15 Days Or Less... Guaranteed!"

Appreciate the tips very much Mike - that was a real surprise given the circumstances...

I still haven't passed it on yet, there is no rush... so I think I'll let it sit for a moment while I work on something else...

I'll find a winner, I know it, I feel it, even if I have to rip it all up and repaste it all back together again new.

Those bad parrots aren't going to get off the hook so easy!

Thanks for your support.

Tim

Ok, without going into a long spiel, I rewrote much of the letter.

Learned a couple of good things here that perhaps I'll turn into a new post.

Here's the new version (any thoughts):

http://www.translate-to-success.com/parrotsecrets3.html

Gulp...

Hi Tim,

I'm not that keen on:

because the metaphor doesn't work for me. What I mean is that bringing behaviour to a grinding halt doesn't sound like a good way of describing behaviour.

Obviously, I'm not your target market, and, as has been painfully pointed out on here before, I'm no expert copywriter either, so please feel free to check out or ignore anything that I say.

But, I can't help feeling that there's another way of really connecting with parrot owners that doesn't feel quite so much like being hit over the head by a piece of 2 bi 4. The veracity of your intro isn't matched by the testimonials which are considerably more subdued.

If you're talking big parrots, then presumably most of them are the south american type which live to be about 70 years old. Therefore, for all intents and purposes, they are a lifetime friend. Would it be possible to really get into the mindset of a parrot owner - what owning a parrot means to them, why it's important, what the issues are and how owners' phrase their parrot issues?

Do they really think of their parrot in terms of bringing its behaviour to a grinding halt? Wouldn't something more like turning it from a devil into an angel be more evocative?

Is this common parlance in the US? I find this a clumsy and ugly simile, and not fitting to the situation. "And be the friendly, chirpy bird you always wanted"

Might it be worth going back to the drawing board and really understanding what it is that parrot lovers value about their relationships with their birds, and what are the main issues when that relationship is suffering.

I can see the seeds of so many good ideas in your copy, but for me it is less than clear what you are trying to say and the imagery is pretty unpleasant. Maybe the reason that the copy hasn't been working as well as you'd like isn't that you are using the wrong words, but the wrong concepts.

HTH,

Jane