Hi all,

first, I am not a copywriter. I never wrote copy before. I never sold anything before. By trade, I am a software developer.

In my company we have created a new web site to be launched soon. A few months ago I set out to write some promotional material for mailings: letters, leaflets and the like. I did it and quickly realized that what I had written was a pile of fine crap. I thought “Oh! Sure somebody out there does this stuff. There may be a way to do it better. Sure this is a skill that can be learned.”

And so I came to know about the art and skill of copywriting. I checked out many web sites, I read some books, I read this forum nearly everyday (sorry if I am not knowledgeable enough to contribute to it yet). I learn a lot from you all, you rock! I have a list of books on queue to read...

Now I am hooked, very hooked.

I want to learn copywriting because I realize that it is a very precious skill to have. I don't want to write copy as a job, but I want to be able to write my own copy successfully.

Maybe I could hire a copywriter. But, you see, instead of going to the shop and buy fish I prefer to go to the river and learn fishing, even if that means going home with wet pants and no fish a few times.
I want to write my own copy, even at the cost of expensive mistakes early on, if that means that I will learn and be successful eventually.

And so, I wrote my copy, my first true copy.
I think it is ok, but since I am still very shortsighted I would appreciate if somebody could drop a comment or two about it.

In the following I explain what it is about.

Target audience: professional traders of second hand vehicles of any kind

Product: the product is our web site itself. We don't sell anything. We just want the traders to use our web site to advertise their vehicles.

Medium: letter printed on four one-side pages of paper, to be mailed.

Scope: we have a database of about 20000 prospects. In the first try we will mail to 3000 of them, the best ones, those that we think are more likely to take action. By the way, is 3000 too many or too few for the first run of letters?

Style: what I wanted to achieve is a letter in plain, simple style, hopefully in the style of the Wall Street Journal letter. That is, no hype, no red, long, capitalized headings, no promises of overnight riches, no hard selling... but convincing and very honest.

Presentation: the letter will be presented in black and white, except for a small logo at the top and the blue signature at the end.

Language: the letter is in Spanish.

I have translated it for you so you can comment on it. Please overlook nitty-gritty details such as typos, spelling mistakes, grammar errors, unsuitable idioms, font type and size, line length... Hopefully in the original Spanish version to be printed all those issues are sorted out.

Instead, I am more interested in comments about overall impression, length, flow, readability, paragraph length, ability to draw attention, ability to push to action...

This is the (quick) English translation:
http://g.ochoadeaspuru.googlepages.com/copyenglish.pdf

and this is the original Spanish version:
http://g.ochoadeaspuru.googlepages.com/copyspanish.pdf

Any comment, however small, will be very appreciated. I am very new to this art and I cannot tell good from bad yet.

Regards,
Guillermo

The letter has the basic elements, but it is in no way like the Wall Street Story letter. It's better to just look at it like a regular letter.

Some of the elements "a section for each type of car" is so basic as to be expected. Others "powerful search" is better, but you don't give any information. In other words, what users want to know is what actual proof you have for the claims.

And there are no testimonials. There are no benefits. There is no Unique Selling Proposition. ....and if you are comparing to the Wall Street letter, there is no basic story.

The letter has the basic general elements; a headline, body copy, and a call to action. That said, it has far to go. One way to make this better is look to user testing and interaction design for benefits which can be brought into copy. You're looking at a lot more than a few times without fish.

P.S. They call fishing a hobby for a reason. Adding up the lure, rod, books and magazines, bait, boat rental, and other associated costs, it's no wonder people aren't fishing to feed themselves for more than one or two meals. But it takes a few times out to get people past the "how hard could it be" stage.

Check out:
How to Find The "Selling Story" Buried In Your Business

How To Ignite Customer Desire With Benefit–Rich Copy

Hi John_S,
thanks a lot for replying so quickly and for the links.


Indeed, you are right. I did not intend to tell a story. Mine is a regular letter, and perhaps
I should have not compared it with the WSJ letter.
What I wanted to get from the WSJ letter is the no-hype style, not the storytelling.


Very interesting point. I have to think about this carefully.
Yes, proof of claims is important.


Yes, this is a weakness. I haven't got any testimonials because the "product" is
very new. There are no users yet that can give me any testimonial.
I am not going to make up testimonials, of course.

I could arrange testimonials from web designers telling how easy to use this web
site is, for example. However for a motor dealer (target audience) a testimonial from
a web designer may mean next to nothing.

My plan is to arrange true testimonials for future letters.



Ouch!! This hits me hard

I thought that my USP was very clear!

My USP is the four lines in italics right below the main headline.
The uniqueness of my proposition is that this service is free.
(For professional traders quality advertising is never free elsewhere.)

My understanding was that motor dealers take for granted that they always
have to pay for advertising. If I tell them that I offer free advertising I
assumed that they would quickly see the great benefit (cost cuts!) without me
needing to explain it further.

Anyway, if you did not get the USP I may need to rephrase it differently.


Yes, quite possibly. I may be bound to hit many walls before I find the door
to success in this field new for me, but I have to try, I have to try...

Again, many thanks for reading my copy and commenting it.

Regards,
Guillermo

Hi, it's me again.

Let's suppose that you offer a free product from a web site. For example a
free ebook or a free newsletter.

Even if the product is free, you have to actively sell it (benefits benefits
benefits) because otherwise your visitors may not bother to download the
ebook, even if it is free.

I think we all agree with this reasoning, don't we?



Now let's suppose that you offer a different product. A product that your
customers know well. A product that they use.
A product that your customers take for granted that they have to pay for it
if they want it, always.

For example, freshly cooked bread, cold beer, laser printers, smart
clothes, wristwatches... or advertising services.


Do you still need to actively sell your free freshly cooked bread?

In other words, do customers immediatly see the huge benefit and take
the bread from you?

Or do they think "if it is free it must be bad bread" and they don't
bother unless you actively convince them otherwise?

What do you think?

Guillermo

Most of this has been tested, over and over again. People just don't like the results. Claude Hopkins talks about a regular product people use everyday. One advertiser specified "free." The other didn't. Which do you think pulled the better response?

Scroll down to the end of this thread on building value to find out.

As for the rest, it took me about thirty seconds to find a site offering free classified advertising. Now we come to the ...but ...but ...but where you rationalize that this technicality makes that site (or the twenty others I found) aren't this, aren't that, aren't the other thing.

It's 2006. It has been tried. If the exact to the Nth decimal place "thing" isn't on the internet, then chances are it went out of business years ago.

The first thing you learn in copywriting: How to diagnose marketing myopia. Fall in love with markets. As a developer, fall in love with users. Don't fall in love with the product, it will destroy your ability to write effective copy.

Finally, do not for one single second think using the word "free" is a substitute for good copywriting.

Thanks again, the article on How to Build Value With Belief Structure is very interesting.

Oooh! I strongly disagree with you here.
It's 2006. Internet is only about 10 years old (although it may seem us that it has always been here). It is in its very early infancy.

Today you routinely see web sites that were unthinkable just a couple of years ago. Think about google mail, google earth, secondlife.com, youtube.com, myspace.com and so many others.

I promise you that in just two years time you will see things that will astonish you. In just five years you will see things that nobody today can anticipate.

You will see new technologies, new business models, new ways to communicate, new products, new... everything.

It's only 2006. Hardly anything has been tried yet, hardly anything...


Guillermo

I've seen generations of "this changes everything." So far, I have seen it repeated over and over. From CompuServe, to CD based magazines are going to produce a publishing revolution that will change everything. Back then it wasn't Javascript, it was Openscript and Toolbook. Before then it was Hypercard.

It may surprise you to know I (and others) were using email before Google invented it. Online maps too. And lots of people were using graphical connected systems before Al Gore invented the internet. Web 2.0 and Ajax, video, speed, etc ....just about what you could get off CD about fifteen years ago.

Quite frankly, I think like the customer. If it doesn't exist now, it doesn't exist. And watching video at a fraction of the quality of TV doesn't thrill me. Watching America's Funniest Home Videos didn't thrill me off YouTube -- and I don't have to wait for that to download.

The real point is not getting so caught up with the new, that you forget users may be getting those benefits elsewhere. Your hotel may be competing with the idea a customer has for the best service they ever got. It could be a completely different business, with a different pricing model, business model, and so on. Making unfair comparisons does not mean a single thing to the customer, they make the comparison all the time.

Unfortunately online providers and software developers are like inventors. They get myopic and refuse to see past the product to the market or user.

You should visit my site some time you'd be surprised. I'm waiting for you people to catch up, not the other way around.

Hi,

I couldn't disagree more with you about your view on technology,
technical evolution, youtube, etc.
This may become an interesting discussion, but it is a bit off topic
in this forum. So I will leave it there.

Let's focus more on copy.

I have seen your web site. I will read it. There is a lot of stuff in
there. It will take me some time to read and assimilate.


I think that for certain products the word "free" is not a substitute
for copy, but for other products that word may have A LOT of pull, and
indeed may be a substitute for copy.

Let me go on with my bread analogy.
Imagine that you receive a letter through the post that reads the following:

This is the simplest copy I can think of. A bit of info and a call to action.
No headlines, no bullet points, no benefits, no guarantee, no testimonials,
no past record of success, no storytelling, no bonus, no special-discount-for-you,
no limited offer, no deadline-act-now-before-its-too-late, no promises of
riches, no we-are-the-best, no you-are-the-best, no secrets revealed.

Would it be a successful copy?
Assuming that you like bread and nobody else in town offers free bread, would
you go to the bakery?
I would.

I think this would be a very sucessful copy.

Now somebody may reply, well, this is unfair, nobody can give away valuable
stuff and still stay in business and make profits.

That's not true. For example, in the early days of Internet customers had to
pay for email accounts. Then hotmail came around and gave away free accounts
of good quality email service (I think hotmail were the first ones).
Massive success.

Software companies give away excellent browsers, programming languages, database
engines, development tools, mp3 players, video players, office software...
all of them free, very valuable and very expensive to make.

Radio and TV stations give away free news and entertaintment. And so on.

Cheers,
Guillermo

Test it and see for yourself.