Hi all, I am new to this forum, and am already quite impressed with the knowlege that is freely given. Its always nice to find people who are willing to help others.

I have alwasy had an interest in copywriting, but until I found this forum and the copywriting university, I never had the motivation to actually give it a try, until now.

This is my first attempt at writing a sales letter and it is for a product that I have developed and am currently beta testing. All the images in the copy are temporary and are just there to give you an idea of how it will look.

I would really appreciate it if you would take a look at it and give me your honest (un-sugar coated) opinions.

Any and all help will be greatly appreciated.

Here is the link to the copy:

http://www.hoverpro.com/copy1.html

Thanks in advance,

Tanner

Ehem!...

Tanner, either you are a natural born copywriter - because what you have is really, very good (especially considering that this is supposedly your first attempt), or you are a very clever forum marketer.

You don't need help with that copy, just some testing to see how it goes.

If this really is your first try, very impressive, and keep up the great work!...

If you are really just cleverly marketing, naughty-naughty...

That's my "un-suger coated" opinion.

Oh... just add in testimonials as you get them, your letter will probably sell just fine, but they will certainly help.

Hi Timothy,

Thanks for the reply.

This is honestly my first attempt at copywriting, outside of writing my newsletters and occasional solo ads. I have never before written a sales letter.

I spent a ton of time reading other peoples sales pages long and short and read every scrap of info I could find, before trying to write my own, and I went through 4 other rough drafts before I got to the one posted here.

Testimonials are on they way, I have received several good ones, but am waiting for a few more, so I can pick and choose which ones to add to my sales letter. Also a question on testimonials…How many is enough? How many is too much?

Also I am hearing a lot of talk about not placing a testimonial in the top fold of the sales letter, because it makes it look like a sales letter and turns people off. However I was thinking that putting a strong testimonial in between the bottom of my last headline and the date, would be a good way of breaking that part up a little more. But if I do that there will be a testimonial in the top fold of the page. What do you guys and gals think about this?

I am also considering adding audio to the sales letter in the form of a message from me, and possibly a few audio testimonials. Is audio good for a website? Because personally I never listen to audio on websites I buy from, so I know it doesn’t work for me. What do you think?

I am also trying to decide if I should have a header graphic designed, I have been trying to find some research that shows if having a header graphic is more or less effective.

Thanks again,

Tanner

Don't mention it.

You did well... and as Michel once jokingly said to me, after all, we are "copy" writers ...

I don't have testing to back this up, but on gut feeling, 5 is enough, over 10 starts to go into overkill... Except... when you have the testimonials running down the side, then you can run them for the whole length of the letter if you have them...

I've seen Marlon Sanders, John Carlton, and others do this with literally dozens.

True, Michel doesn't recommend it, and he is someone to listen to... so take my following suggestion cautiously...

I just mentioned this in another thread, but I like to do this without a Johnson Box, just using the most powerful sentence (one) from a really good testimonial or two, in quoted italics, and the name(s) in parenthesis.

I figure it helps to give believability (is that a word?) to a particularly hard-hitting headline... and taking them out of the "standard" johnson box format makes them look more like quoted subheads, while establishing credibility and immediate proof.

Oh yes! It does seem to improve CR% (I can't imagine it hurting, unless you force it onto people)... but you could easily test this for yourself. I think the best use of it that I have seen so far is on John Reese's TrafficSecrets.com website with the audio testimonials (written by Michel)...

Try anything, but in this case you will probably find that it will sell better without the graphic header. I have read several split test results showing that non-graphic header letters almost always win... sometimes dramatically, but take this with a grain of salt... it also depends on how the graphic is made. I believe it can be made to even enhance sells in some cases...

Nothing is really completely black and white in DM... each element has it's tendencies, yes, but there are too many variables to have 100% certainty for every case until you try.

You seem to have a natural talent for this, follow your instincts too...

Hi Tanner,

Excellent sales letter. You make an extremely good case for using your hover technology now that we live in the era of "pop-up blocker mania". And I did experience exactly what you said - I signed up for the Yahoo IM and it took me months to workout that it was the culprit in blocking popups that I DID want to see (some of them on the admin of my website for chrisssakes .......).

I probably read the first third, and then I wanted to know what the price was, so I skimmed down to the bottom. This is when you lost me. All that stuff about how you were going to keep it a secret, or charge $500 but instead you'll charge $97 but WAIT THERE'S MORE - it's only really $67.

I didn't believe a word of it.

It may or may not be true, but I didn't believe it because it's a tired old formula that I've seen used at least a hundred times before.
When I think people are making stuff up, it gives me a heavy feeling and a sense of "god, not that old nonsense again - why do these people have to bull**** to get sales. Worse still, why are they insulting my intelligence in the process?"

Please bear in mind that I'm not claiming that what you say is untrue, it just doesn't sound true to me. It reads like a ploy, and I don't like being manipulated in that way.

My personal feeling on the subject is that those kinds of tactics worked earlier on in the life-cycle of sales letters on the internet, but they will become less and less effective as time goes on as more and more people are exposed to them. They will start to join the dots and realise that they've read the same thing on at least 5 other sites and that it's just a means of extracting money from them. I can foresee a time when, not only will it prove to be ineffective, but may actually backfire on the marketer in question.

What is the purpose of this ploy anyway? It seems to be a case of building the person up to expect to pay several hundred dollars and then find out that the product is only $67, and be so relieved as to feel it's a steal. I guess this moves them closer to buying. It's worked on me in the past.

But when there are other products out there that do the same thing, which are all selling for around the same price, then does it really make sense to over-embellish in this way? I think it only works if your market are fairly ignorant of all the other sales letters on the internet and haven't spotted the other hover pop-up products yet. When they find out, even if they've already bought your product, they may not feel very happy with you.

And in the end, surely how people feel about you or the deal on the table is the most important thing. Especially if you want to build long-term relationships with your customers.

These are my thoughts from the point of view of a potential customer who has read a lot of sales letters.

Jane

WOW Jane!

Thanks for all the insights.

The pricing part of my sales letter was one area where I had a lot of trouble putting it together. I originally planned on selling the software for $97 but then realized that in order to compete with Cory Rudl‘s software I would have to make mine cheaper (even though it is better, I own his software too) due to his extensive reach in the marketing community. And then I thought if I could get enough good word of mouth, I could raise my price later on.


That is exactly the purpose of it, but until I read your post I hadn’t realized that I had started blocking out all that type stuff and just looking for the actual price when I’m reading sales letters…I even did it on mine, while reading I skipped over the stuff before the actual price.

However, I am still having trouble coming up with an effective alternative to what I have. Maybe something like this:

I have a confession to make…I had originally planned on keeping this breakthrough technology to myself and not releasing it to the public.

However, reality soon set in and I realized that I needed to recover at least part of the small fortune I spent in developing the Hover Pro software. So, to that end, I decided to offer Hover Pro and the free bonuses to you for a very generous $97.00 (that’s only a small fraction of what it cost to develop).

But wait…

For a very, and I do mean very, limited time you can get your copy of Hover Pro and the 3 powerful bonuses for the incredibly low “my girlfriend is going to kill me when she sees this” price of $67.00.


I know that it’s basically the same just missing the 100-500 part, but is that an improvement? I’m hitting a writer’s block.

Good point on the embellishment and since my target market is 90% not ignorant, I think that the way its written might not affect them at all.

Yes, in the end I want my customers to be happy and have trust in me so that they will be willing to buy from me again, therefore I must figure out how to reword that part of the letter.

Thanks again for all your comments, if there is anything else you can think of, I’m all ears.

Hi Tanner,

Is your girlfriend really going to kill you? Were you really going to keep it a secret or did you develop it specifically for the market?

Quit with the B.S. already!! What's wrong with the truth! You saw an opportunity, you knew you could produce a better product than A. N. Other (in this case, Cory Rudl), and so you have and it's at a better price.

The trouble with this whole thing is that it's wisdom ported over from offline direct sales letters. But with something that goes through the post in limited numbers, you can get away with all of these manipulations because so few people ever actually see those kinds of letters. But everyone in the industrial world is on the internet and can see your site, and so the whole marketing paradigm is becoming a lot more transparent.

And I don't agree with phony time frames either. Again, this works really well offline because, for the specific receiver of the letter, there will be a date relative to when they received the letter. Can't do this with a website, because it's always up there for everyone to see.

Bottom line - I just don't believe that "saleman's bluster" (a polite way of saying lies) is necessary to sell. If the market doesn't punish you for it, then the universe or karma will!! (Take your pick )

Jane

Adapt or die

It is a known fact that some sort of urgency, or limited special offer will improve sales...

The challenge becomes finding an authentic way to present this.

I agree with Jane in that false deadlines should be avoided, when there are plenty of ways to do this truthfully...

There is an interesting site that offers some free scripts with dynamic deadlines, or special limited quantity offers, and though I haven't used it, it looks like they create real deadlines...

http://www.salespagemaster.com/index.shtml

In other words, the price actually changes when these deadlines are reached... very nice tool.

Now the question becomes, how to present it?

Lot's of possibilities...

You could write something like:

-----

But wait…

For a very, and I do mean very, limited time (this is a REAL deadline, the price WILL change)...

If you are still among the first 100 purchasers (if you still see this, you are not too late), you can get your copy of Hover Pro and the 3 powerful bonuses for the incredibly low “introductory launch” price of $67.00

(Insert script that counts sales and places how many discounts are left here).

----

Now of course, you can put whatever number you want, 200, 500... but it needs to be real.

When you reach the number, you'll have to think up a new strategy, but considering that you will probably have dozens of testimonials at this point, $97 will probably sell just fine.

Oh, another thing, consider putting in how much money you spent, and how long it took you to make this software... this might give it more perceived value.

Timothy is right, once the ball is rolling, raising the price and creating a new angle for the copy is well in order, because you'll have lots of testimonials. And that's exactly what you can tell your readers to boost sales now.

Jane was right, you need to tell the truth.. I usually feel that Jane's comments, divided by 2 in strength , are a good indicator of the objections the average person has when he/she reads through the copy.

So why not limit it to 100 copies, or use the time limited, multi-step discount removal script that SalesPageMasterPro offers, with exactly the reason why you're doing it. Say that this is a new product and that you're looking for success stories - and they can earn a 30 dollar discount (or whatever it is) if they order within the next hour and promise to send out a testimonial as soon as they've used it. The script will raise the price after that hour, by 10 bucks for instance, and will raise the price to the full price if they don't order in the next 24 hours. This seems to work very well for some people, because the see that this time limit is legit, and they will cash in on the 20 dollar discount while it's still there, because they now *know* you're serious.

Plus the reason why you're asking for an order NOW, not later, sounds very legit, and it has people thinking: "30 bucks for a quick testimonial is a great deal", which it is. And people always love to help out, especially if they can give their opinion.

Give it a try, be completely honest and make the offer like it is. Ask for a testimonial, don't tell them you prefer it but make sure they understand it's part of the bargain deal they're getting. This helps to give a strong reason for your time limit, while reducing your price without cheapening the offer.

Good luck

With a little modification, what you already wrote makes a solid premise for a close, offering a discount. (see quote).

I believe buying, or offering a discount for a 'testimonial' is illegal. (No time to look it up right now). This is probably a case of nuance where you might actually be after testimonials, but you have to pull them from evaluations, or some other source. Even after a short history with Erik, here on the forum, I really don't think he is up to anything, so please don't interpret this that way.

You can offer a discount for an 'evaluation', though. And you can sell the importance of market research to your education as a new marketer, researching the right offer, the right price, points of crisis (those areas in your copy and the usability of your site that make for enough frustration or such confusion that the prospect abandons the sale), usability and so on.


Peter Stone