Would you consider this letter simply long... or is it TOO long?

Any suggestions at all as to how I could improve this sales letter would be highly appreciated, but my MAIN concern is on how I can possibly make it shorter. Is there anything here that stands out as being unnecessary? I've read through it many times, and I honestly can't bring myself to delete anything. Every paragraph seems to play a unique role in the overall pitch, and I really can't find anything to get rid of. My most significant concern is in regards to the loading time of the page, but I'd like to get some opinions on it.

It's not live yet, and isn't 100% polished (some links may not work), but here's what I've come up with so far... (also please click the order button to check out my intermediate upsell page)

Build Muscle | The Truth About Muscle Gain

I'd be forever grateful for any suggestions at all both in regards to the length and content itself. I'm still a rookie here, and this is my first and only product at the moment. It's been up for a year but I'm going to be making some significant upgrades to the actual product itself really soon and so I decided to remake the letter as well...

Thanks so much guys and gals,

Sean

Sean,
I've read over your page and I'll tell ya my friend that I love the way you use words, visualization, and story telling to go from a scrawny little kid to a Herculaic "mountain of muscle".

You hit all the right hot buttons. You build rapport and show empathy with your target market. You use page numbers in your bullets to show credibility.

...You have all the ingredients that makes a sales letter.

What more can I say.

I wouldn't take away a thing...

Excellent sales letter and a great swipe (thanks)!

Oops!

I did find one thing that seemed a bit frightening...

In many of your testimonials, you have email address links.

Scary!!

If I were one giving a testimonial, I would definintely not want me email address on your page.

I do understand the reasoning behind this (folks can contact these people for verification), but this is not something that is normally done on the web due to the rediculous amount of spam.

Is there a reason for this?

More importantly, have these people given you permission to publish their email addy on the web?

That's all I have.

Sean:

I disagree with Stephen.

While I think your copy itself is fine, a 47 word mega-headline is ridiculously too long - hardly swipe material, in my opinion.

Don't try to tell your whole story in your headline.

That's what the rest of your copy is for.

A short, compelling headline like this would be even more effective:

How To Get A Powerful New Physique... In 12 Short Weeks Or Less!


Dale King

Hey guys, thanks a lot for checking my letter and giving your input, I really appreciate it.

primoquest - The reason why I have the email addresses there actually isn't even for contacting purposes really, it's simply there to add more credibility and to "prove" that the testimonial is real. Is this unnecessary? I figured that a lot of average surfers would be skeptical of testimonials and assume that they might be fake, so by adding the emal it sort of gives some reliable evidence that it is in fact real. What if I wrote:

address [at] provider.com ... Would that be better?

Dale - I'll definitely shorten up my headline.

What does the term "swipe" mean? Sorry, still a rookie here.

Thanks.

You could try this animated gif in the header instead of your pic:



I KEED! . . .I KEED!

I love the above picture it make me smile but I think that it dosn't fit the Subject.

I appologyze for quoting it.

now here is my modeste vision hope that it help, please believe in my respect and my sympathy:


it is a comon salesletters and seem perfect this is what make it realy sound that :

1)you have done more then one salesletters before.
2)you have swiped the format from an exsisting salesletter.

it is too much perfect and here is the problem.

Be unique. if they are all giving in such style do something else here is the key.

so here is my vision about :

1)testimonial, I think modestely that anyone can make an email at any time , so they can't be an evidence, but a website, or a physical (phone or fax or adresse) are more strong as evidence.

2)to shorten in order to shorten isn't the goal, it is to find a way to encapsulate all your thougths in one sentence.

it is not a resume, it is implying, let the reader get his own conclusion and if he is too curious to know what it is about then he will read the copy and this is the aim of a headline to make them read the copy.

let see the headline :

with your permission I want to make a deep analyse of this headline :

1)the who else: it is an appeal to STAND UP from the rest to be unique, to be the one.

2)Proven: there is an expertise that validate it, it is scientificaly proven, there is analyse and data and chart that confirm it.

3)step-by-step system: very easy to fellow, to go from A to B to C, even if you are a beginner you will find your way through it.

4)Finaly : an emotional appeal to stand in a compassion position with the reader it sound like "Oh yeah I knoiw what you are living", it is suggestive, it is pompous because it appeal to this"Oh man you know nothing about me, Who are you to ..."

5)Achieve The Ripped : in suggest that you don't want to release it (method) but you do, under some circumctances, and the to suggest the reader this:"Take itnow because you knwo you have access to just because I am underthoose circumctance else you will not have access to it, it is to big for you, you don't deserve it for this price" and this appeal to this:"I don't believe it".

6)Rock-Solid Muscle Gains: Cliché, I always see in cartoon (popey), a guy with a bisepes in witch they make a mountain, or a rock, usual qualification.

7)You Deserve : emotionam appeal to suggest this: "they don't want you to get it before, they thinked they you don't deserve it, BUT I AM HERE I am WITH YOU AND i WILL FIGTH YOUR BATTLE AND BE WITH YOU"....
too muvh, you are selling and the reazder know.

8 )Leaving Your Friends, Family, Co-Workers, And Everyone Else Around You Staring In Disbelief

this is too big, you mention (Family,friend,co-workers) all those around him in a try to suggest that they are the one who moque or laught about the reader physic, and you end it by Disbelief, in order to suggest to the reader, the intense emotion of making those who laugth at his phisic in disbelieve in order to project him in the dominant position on the one who winn, EGO EGO EGO.

9) Powerful, Dominant: I can agree with powerfull but why to go so far by suggesting a dominant position? why to make them dream about dominance it is realy dangerous, you know why because you start from the point that people with norman or non hugely muscled body are in dominated by others, this is going in thier mind and personzaly I dislike such stuff.

10) New Physique: this is the ultime and the easly predectible conclusion of this going in thier mind, what mean a new physique?!!! we got a physique and no more, it is a try to suggest that some are embarassed by thier physique is it true! and if it is atrue is it ethical to make a sale based on this?

11)... In 12 Short Weeks Or Less: 12 weeks = 3months.

3 appear less then 12, but you preferd to make weeks and not month because you know that month sound longer then week...
there is an apprant try of making short the training or the delay that this method may take to give her result.

as a conclusion, this headline do more then what it has to do.

make it simple and don't try to go , to suggest, to project, or .. just attract and make a curiosity.

sorry, if I made all this about the headline, I wanted just to share with you my reading of it may it help.

so again, please believe in my respect and my sympathy.

Sean, no need to apologize for being a rookie. We're all here to learn from each other.

A swipe file is basically creative copy from sales letters and ads that you borrow or "swipe" to jump start your imagination. Quotes. Ideas. Thoughts.

Dale King

I actually liked his Mega-Headline...

Yeah, yeah, I know what has been said a million times on the forum about long heads, but all I can say Sean is TEST IT...

This is the only way to know if it is good or not.

Primo. . .you're so 2005. hahahaha

Sean. . .

1. You need to get your graphics guy to lighten up your pic in the header. It's way too dark. See below.
2. Your header is way to wide. Shorten it up. Notice how much I chopped off on the right side. . .



Compare my (reduced) version (I shrunk it so it would not take up too much space here) to yours.