Hi,

We are not copywriters, but are about to produce a small A5 brochure to advertise our services to estate agents in Spain.

We want them to advertise on our website for a small subscription fee (We market on the Spanish versions of Google and Yahoo).

We would welcome any constructive criticism on what we´ve produced. Heres the text. We have translated it from Spanish to English for you.


We would like to offer you the opportunity to advertise your properties with our Company Indexspain at a very competitive rate.

We have the most visited website in the Chiclana area and our subscribed agents have been with us for nine months .

Our name always appears in the first positions of the search engines Google and Yahoo which means our present suscribed agents are receiving enquiries from over 12,000 searches each month from home buyers interested in the Chiclana area.

Our site is replicated in English and property descriptions are automatically translated from Spanish to English. Any e-mails received in english are translated by us as well as any replies to be sent. This is done at no extra charge to our customers.

Now we are about to advertise the areas of San Fernando and Jerez and will be offering our services to Agents in those regions who would like to present their properties to more buyers.

Most agents have their own website so why use us? Well if your website is called CostaHomes S.L. and a potential buyer searches that name on “Google”for example, they will find you . However, if they don´t know you exist and simply search for properties in Chiclana they will find us which means if you are one of our subscribed agents they will find you. Try searching Pisos, Inmobiliarias or Chalets in Chiclana.

To remain always on the first positons of the search engines requires time and money. Most agents are short of the former so we do this hard part so they can concentrate on the sales

With our system you receive your own personal password which allows you to enter an Agents Area where you can upload properties with photos (auto adjusted to the correct size ) You can delete sold properties and add new ones using our ultra simple process. No other Agent can access your site which is password protected

This is only one part of our service. We have an exclusive function that allows you to collaborate with other Estate Agents in the Cádiz province. This will allow you more posibilities to increase your sales. Almost all estate agents collaborate with one another, but with our function you can find a property more easily for your client.

According to statistics by Idealista show that more than 50% of the population in Spain up to 50 years of age and 70% between the ages of 25 and 35 search for properites to buy through the Internet.

There are no restrictions on length of time you have to advertise. You can cancel at any time but as we mentioned in the beginning our existing Agents have been with us for nine months


Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

There is too much "our company," not enough "you." From the first sentence the reader can see the focus isn't on benefits to the agent. For example "offer you the opportunity to advertise" is like saying we are doing you a favor by allowing you to give us money.

Brochures are the last refuge of weak copy, and the royal "we." Start with the idea that potential customers searching for Chiclana are going to find your site. At that point it becomes clear you have something to offer. Only then does it appear there is any opportunity. Everything up to that point can be edited.

The copy can be improved a great deal. One point is, even with a brochure, get to the point. The benefit has to be clear, and you only really have one element which has a chance -- high SE rank. Add a clear call to action at the end, and even this brochure can be good, for a brochure.

Hi John,

Thanks for your suggestions. We have edited out the beginning and added a new opening introductory paragraph.

We are a Chiclana based company dedicated to obtaining more leads for Estate Agents.

Our name always appears in the first positions of the search engines Google and Yahoo which means our present suscribed agents are receiving enquiries from over 12,000 searches each month from home buyers interested in the Chiclana area.

You mentioned the call to action, but we will delivering these small brochures personally and asking for a 10 minute meeting to show them the benefits of our Agents Area.

Thanks again.

Ian:

Unless I'm missing something, your brochure is the least of your worries.

With savvy buyers, you're going to have a real problem with credibility. Here's why:

Using the keywords mentioned in your brochure, I was unable to find your website on the spanish versions of Google or Yahoo.

I looked at the first 3 pages of each site, and gave up, which is what most people will do.

Also, I checked your traffic ranking with Alexa, and it comes in at a dismal 1,643,637

That's one million, six hundred thousand and change.

That means you're not getting very much traffic.

And since you've been online for over a year, that's not very good.

I'm not telling you this to embarrass you or hurt your feelings.

I'm telling you this to help you, because people do check.

I'm sure they're going to have the same question I do:

How can you sell advertising space, if you don't have any traffic yourself?

If I'm missing something here, please tell me what it is.

Dale King

Hi Dale,

We use extensive PPC campaign to attract visitors to the site. Sorry, we should´ve mentioned this.

As we said in the text, it´s working very well for our current agents.

Heres two links to screenshots taken a few moments ago:

http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/2093/googlepe3.jpg

http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/3238/yahoock8.jpg


Thanks

Hello Ian:

Thanks for the explanation, and thanks for not taking my observations personally!

Dale King

First, I would mention your main benefits in the headline:

Reach More than 12,000 People Searching for Real Estate in Chiclana

Then, explain this and other benefits in clear, simple text.


If you are a real estate agent trying to reach new clients, you could spend a small fortune in advertising fees...cross your fingers, and hope that people will find your website online....or advertise on our website, and reach more than 12,000 buyers interested in purchasing real estate in the Chiclana area.

We call this "advertising more effectively, at less cost", because you'll gain the benefit of our proven search engine marketing process -we receive more website visitors than any other in the Chiclana area - for a low, low cost.

How low? Let's compare normal search engine promotional costs with ours (create side-by-side table, where yours is the winner).

....Our service has been overwhelmingly successful for the agents who list with us. So successful, in fact, that we are expanding to cover the San Fernando and Jerez regions. So helpful, that agents who list with us stay (most agents who began with us 9 months ago are still on board, because of the referrals that come their way)...


Hope this helps a bit,
Sheri

Hi Sheri,

Thanks for the great reply. Your version makes ours look amateurish. We can certainly change ours to accomodate some of your text.

Thanks again.

Ian, it's also important to back up your claims with real, verifiable proof.

This will dramatically improve the response to your brochure.

Don't just say it, prove it!

Dale King

Dale is absolutely right. If you can show a chart with your visitor stats, showing this, it will help, or other proof that your claims are valid. Strong testimonies from those who use your service, describing specific benefits to them, will also help.

Good luck with your project!