Somebody dial 9-1-1... 'cause this copy is ON FIRE!

JP Maroney · **Somebody dial 9-1-1... 'cause this copy is ON FIRE! -** 10-12-2006, 11:04 PM

OK... that may be a bit ambitious.

Please take a look at the following and let me know how it can be improved.

Quote:

SUBJECT: ever been paralyzed by fear, ~~FNAME~~?

Imagine this... ~~FNAME~~

You have an emergency. Let's say your child is
having an asthma attack. Or your spouse is
experiencing cardiac arrest.

You know EXACTLY what to do...

You reach for the phone... and dial 9-1-1.

After a brief exchange, the operator tells you,

"Help is on the way!"

Then, the anguishing wait begins.

You look at your watch. Minutes pass.

You check the front window to see if help has
arrived. But...

Nobody's there!

Then, you see the emergency vehicle lights
flashing in the distance. Your heart skips a beat.

You know help is about to arrive.

Then, just as quickly... your heart nearly stops
as you watch the emergency vehicle race past your
house and down the street.

"Surely not," you think! "Surely they couldn't
have missed me."

Moments like this can paralyze you with fear.

I know. I've been there.

I've stood out on the street corner waiving down
the emergency personnel so they could find my
father's house when he was quickly slipping into
a diabetic coma.

It's painful to go through that experience.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Fortunately, a former Sheriff from Midland,
Texas has come up with a clever device that takes
all the guesswork out of finding your house in
the event of an emergency.

It practically guarantees that emergency
personnel can easily and quickly locate you
when there's a problem.

It's a innovative device called *******.

Here's how it works...

You simply place the light in your front window.
Plug a small, wireless transmitter into your
phone jack.

And then, when you dial 9-1-1 the light
automatically begins flashing.

Flashing so brightly that it can be seen...

UP TO A MILE AWAY!

Making it practically impossible for emergency
personnel to MISS YOU.

You don't do anything else. This all happens
automatically.

The ******* is simple and easy to install.
Requires less than 5 minutes.

And best of all, it can save your life. Or the
life of someone you love.

However, I have some bad news for you...

YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE!

Not yet, at least! Not until November 15th,
when the ******* officially becomes available
to the public.

I have an advanced issue of the *******. Already
have it installed in my window.

Now, I'd like to see that you're one of the
first people to "fool-proof" their home and take
all the guesswork out of finding your house in
the event of an emergency.

I'd also like to see you get a ******* for
each of your family members or even friends you
care about.

Perhaps an aging parent. A son or daughter away
at college. A next door neighbor.

It's a terrific idea. Even as a gift!

Be the first to find out when ******* becomes
available to the public.

Just enter your name and email address below.

I'll see that you're one of the first to know.

FORM

Warmly,
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ken Strong · 10-12-2006, 11:41 PM

JP, maybe that subject line is a bit much? I think it pushes the fear angle a bit too hard. Perhaps something emphasizing safety and your loved ones would be better?

abdellah · 10-12-2006, 11:42 PM

Hi, JP

personnaly I love the style, it remind me some of the Robert Collier letter, something OFFLINE and OLDSTUFF, I enjoyed reading it.

now if is destinated to a specific population, a very targeted population this will be realy BIG (in my modeste vision) the story, the suspence, the analogy, the product is the ultime finality and solution of the builded story.

there is an urgeancy in this email, that I enjoy.

where is the price?

I asked my self where is the price, and why it isn't still avaible for public?

don't push me to buy like you do if there is not a product to buy at the end of the sales (else I will be a frustrated consummers), hope that I will not wait longer.

hope that this incoherent replay help.

I love it, and it is inspiring.

Lance K · 10-12-2006, 11:47 PM

Going back to the idea that people buy what they want and not what they need...are there people who really want this device?

I'm obviously not in your target market

. I'm truly just curious.

marciayudkin · 10-13-2006, 06:44 AM

JP,

What would make this promotion much more convincing would be statistics from an authoritative source on how often emergency crews have trouble finding the house that made the 911 call.

The one experience I have relevant to this occurred at 5:30 a.m. one fall morning two years ago. There was a house on fire up the road from me, and the fire engines were delayed 10-15 minutes in reaching it because the firefighters didn't know or had forgotten that the bridge on the way to the burning house was out. They had to go around another way - a long way around - to get the fire engine to the other side of the bridge.

This product probably has limited usefulness for real-life emergencies because there are so many different reasons that 911 responses can get messed up.

However, I'm sure there's a market for it in households where there's both a big worrier and a specific reason to be worried, like a chronically sick person.

If you can find statistics that buttress the point that this product can save lives, you'll have a much easier time selling the product.

Marcia Yudkin

JP Maroney · 10-13-2006, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marciayudkin

JP,

What would make this promotion much more convincing would be statistics from an authoritative source on how often emergency crews have trouble finding the house that made the 911 call.

The one experience I have relevant to this occurred at 5:30 a.m. one fall morning two years ago. There was a house on fire up the road from me, and the fire engines were delayed 10-15 minutes in reaching it because the firefighters didn't know or had forgotten that the bridge on the way to the burning house was out. They had to go around another way - a long way around - to get the fire engine to the other side of the bridge.

This product probably has limited usefulness for real-life emergencies because there are so many different reasons that 911 responses can get messed up.

However, I'm sure there's a market for it in households where there's both a big worrier and a specific reason to be worried, like a chronically sick person.

If you can find statistics that buttress the point that this product can save lives, you'll have a much easier time selling the product.

Marcia Yudkin

Thanks for the feedback, Marcia... I agree.

I've got my client's digging for stats. I'm doing the same.

One of the partners in the company is a former Sheriff, and has access to tons of First Responders, chiefs, captains, etc etc

We're going to get a ton of "Social Proof" quotes and comments from these people saying basically... "We're ready and prepared to help you... but we need to find you!" type stuff

Hopefully with real-world stories of challenges they've had, people who died because they couldn't reach them in time.

I'm interviewing the former Sheriff guy within the next few days and will get some of these stories on recording.

He's already give me several examples in our meetings that are PERFECT!

I'll share more as we make progress.

Anyone else who wants to comment, feel free.

Wonder where Yoddlin' Yancy Foster is... he's a fireman by trade -- I think?

JP Maroney · 10-13-2006, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken Strong

JP, maybe that subject line is a bit much? I think it pushes the fear angle a bit too hard. Perhaps something emphasizing safety and your loved ones would be better?

You may be right, Ken!

The 'subject' above is for an email... written to "get it opened."

I'm working on some headlines for "print ads."

"This Light May Save Your Life"
"One Light May Save Your Life"
"YOU MAY DIE... If 911 Responders Can't Find You In Time"

and others...

My goal with most of the copy on this project will be to approach it with a "Readers Digest" startling story approach. I think it's much more real than rattling off a bunch of product benefits.

Besides... as has been pointed out here, we're dealing with people who may think "Do I need this? I don't have a problem!"

It's what I call "Prevention Marketing!" Selling stuff that people don't need, yet. Like insurance, alarms, smoke detectors, etc.

NOW: I'd love for you to turn your COPY POWER loose and spin me a few great headline ideas...

Thoughts?

JP Maroney · 10-13-2006, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abdellah

Hi, JP

personnaly I love the style, it remind me some of the Robert Collier letter, something OFFLINE and OLDSTUFF, I enjoyed reading it.

I asked my self where is the price, and why it isn't still avaible for public?

don't push me to buy like you do if there is not a product to buy at the end of the sales (else I will be a frustrated consummers), hope that I will not wait longer.

I love it, and it is inspiring.

Abdellah,

1) RC? I'll take that as a compliment...

2) Price points already tested: $39.95 and $49.95 -- I'm having my clients test $69.95 right now.

3) The email i wrote above / which if I use it will have an opt-in form... was simply to test response from my own personal list. If I use it, it will only be used for those purposes. When put into action, the copy will have a call to action with ability to purchase immediately by phone, mail, web.

Thanks for the feedback.

John Ritz · 10-13-2006, 08:53 PM

Great example of problem-agitate-solve.

John

Motley1 · 09:57 AM

umm..Way too much fear tactic. I would be turned off, but that's me.

Joe Sugarman talks about selling a similar thing (in advertising secrets)and that using these types of tactics do not work. I would agree.