Please help with a natural skincare website copy critique.

violinist1225

Hello everyone,

My website is currently being developed by a hired graphic designer, so I don't have the sales-letter available in website form. But I did copy it into a blog. Some of the checkmarks came out looking like U's, so if you see funny symbols, they are either checkmarks or dots that didn't convert well into the blog.

Please be honest with your critiques. I am concerned with the mini-headlines, wording, and just overall "good" copywriting techniques. Thank you so much!

Have a great day

The link: Salesletter critique

Zachary · 10-03-2006, 09:09 PM

That reverse type is killing me. Change the blog theme, repost and then at least we'll be able to read it.

Hopefully your graphic designer doesn't lay your site out like THAT

John_S · 10:06 PM

Quote:

a hired graphic designer

You have my sympathy. What you want is a stunning before and after graphic -- not just copy. The internet is notoriously lacking in credibility. Internet wrinkle cures are just asking for trouble.

The copy that is there is discouraging. Some of the bullets are okay, but mostly it lacks belief structure. Worse yet, it takes forever to get to the point.

Quote:

While many women judge other women based on her dress size-hair style-or clothing, most men judge a woman based on how youthful and pretty (underline those two words) she looks.

....Women with a more youthful appearance usually have the most friends, have a better outlook on life, and therefore feel better about themselves (much more so than those who look worn out and tired).
It just doesn’t seem fair, does it?

What is your point? This is trite. It also sounds like you pulled this factoid out of your ....hat. Then you shoot yourself in both feet with "To tell you the truth, I’m very confused with all the products on the shelves… Sometimes a product is raved about one year, then “scientific research” reveals something else is better." This can also apply to your own product. It inserts doubt, then just leaves it out there. I just kept saying to myself "So What" so many times at every single point in the copy.

Let's take a look at some other copy.

Quote:

Science has never disputed facial muscles' ability to build. It has the same muscle fiber and connective tissue as the rest of the body. So, what's the problem? Resistance training for the body has been well established for years, but for some reason we just can't get past the neck. Is the public still holding out for that miracle in a jar? You know, like thigh cream.

I began teaching facial fitness in the late 1970's. At that time, facial isometrics was the only known form of facial training with much of the public considering it risky at best. By 1978, I became interested in weightlifting. Not long after entering the gym, I decided to step into competitive bodybuilding. This move called for a marked reduction in body fat that consequently had an aging effect on my face. This was not an acceptable trade-off. However, if I were to continue training to compete, increasing my weight would not be an option.

Considering the fact resistance training allows the body a lower percentage of fat without looking too thin, I wondered what effect, if any, resistance training would have on my face. I must admit, I was a little nervous at the thought of trying resistance training on my face but I certainly wasn't happy with the way my face was beginning to look. With no plans to give up the sport I decided it was worth a shot. So, I converted each facial isometric exercise over to resistance… BINGO! I found the facial muscles' to be every bit as responsive to resistance training as any other body part. The result of this training was even better than I had hoped. The increase in muscle size created an even greater lift. My face was still thin, but with the extra firmness, I no longer looked gaunt.

It became quite obvious to me that isometrics (toning exercises) only scratched the surface. We just weren't taking it far enough. Most people will find after a certain age that tone is not enough, especially when making up for the loss of fat in the subcutaneous layer. For this reason alone you need an increase in muscle size.

Today, many studies are documenting the effect of resistance training on the face. A study conducted by Eureka Physical Therapy in Eureka, CA and myself, resulted in an average of 35% increase in facial muscle strength over a two week period. At the Skin Study Center in Broomall, PA a similar study (Facial Flex) showed a 250% increase in strength over an eight week period with a 32% increase in skin elasticity.

Some might ask, what does facial muscle strength have to do with lifting and firming the face? Ask yourself this; when you increase the strength of your biceps, what other changes take place? Remember, resistance training demands a muscle's full potential, an increase in size. Facial muscles' are no exception. To think otherwise is just plain lazy thinking. Facialbuilding, bodybuilding, the result is exactly the same.

--FlexEffect site

Unfortunately it doesn't close the deal, but this is a fair opener that gets to the point. Everything is related back to wrinkle reduction. It's not rambling all over the place. Let's examine this more closely...

....Science has never disputed
.... began teaching facial fitness in the late 1970's.
....Considering the fact
....many studies are documenting the effect of resistance training on the face.

Belief structure built in the first sentence of every paragraph -- textbook Eugene Schwartz. Then we get "Some might ask, what does facial muscle strength have to do with lifting and firming the face?" Which brings up a likely objection -- then answers the objection in the same paragraph. At no point is there doubt about the writer's belief in the product. The writer is raising and resolving your doubt as the reader.

You can say "I know what you're thinking, and I had the same concerns." But you have to then turn it back into walking the reader though the process of resolving the concern. You must go from I to "you" immediately and stay on "you."

The case is built piece by piece. And you get the idea that this could work to reduce wrinkles. Exactly what I didn't get from your copy.

Want to know what your graphics guy should be showing people?? I have a mockup on a site I did just to give you an idea -- check it out. (scroll down to the before and after photo).

Can't get those results? Then by all means don't make claims your product can't produce. But know one thing -- that's what is going to get your customers to buy.

You should now be hitting that little green button next to my name like a lab rat trying to get a fix of morphine.

violinist1225 · **Thanks for the honest opinions. -** 10-03-2006, 10:04 PM

Quote:
That reverse type is killing me. Change the blog theme, repost and then at least we'll be able to read it.

Hopefully your graphic designer doesn't lay your site out like THAT

I am working on figuring out how to change the template. I apologize for this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by John_S

You have my sympathy. What you want is a stunning before and after graphic -- not just copy. The internet is notoriously lacking in credibility. Internet wrinkle cures are just asking for trouble.

The copy that is there is discouraging. Some of the bullets are okay, but mostly it lacks belief structure. Worse yet, it takes forever to get to the point.

What is your point? This is trite. It also sounds like you pulled this factoid out of your ....hat. Then you shoot yourself in both feet with "To tell you the truth, I’m very confused with all the products on the shelves… Sometimes a product is raved about one year, then “scientific research” reveals something else is better." This can also apply to your own product. It inserts doubt, then just leaves it out there. I just kept saying to myself "So What" so many times at every single point in the copy.

Let's take a look at some other copy.

Unfortunately it doesn't close the deal, but this is a fair opener that gets to the point. Everything is related back to wrinkle reduction. It's not rambling all over the place. Let's examine this more closely...

....Science has never disputed
.... began teaching facial fitness in the late 1970's.
....Considering the fact
....many studies are documenting the effect of resistance training on the face.

Belief structure built in the first sentence of every paragraph -- textbook Eugene Schwartz. Then we get "Some might ask, what does facial muscle strength have to do with lifting and firming the face?" Which brings up a likely objection -- then answers the objection in the same paragraph. At no point is there doubt about the writer's belief in the product. The writer is raising and resolving your doubt as the reader.

You can say "I know what you're thinking, and I had the same concerns." But you have to then turn it back into walking the reader though the process of resolving the concern. You must go from I to "you" immediately and stay on "you."

The case is built piece by piece. And you get the idea that this could work to reduce wrinkles. Exactly what I didn't get from your copy.

Want to know what your graphics guy should be showing people?? I have a mockup on a site I did just to give you an idea -- check it out. (scroll down to the before and after photo).

Can't get those results? Then by all means don't make claims your product can't produce. But know one thing -- that's what is going to get your customers to buy.

From what I gathered, are you saying that without having any before and after pictures, my copy is a waste a time? Even with people giving testimonials? And that I should remove the irrelevant ideas (which I agree). Excellent article regarding the link you gave me also.

I wonder if I should even pursue this website with the sound of things. I didn't get a picture of one of my testimonials before and after, even though she said her acne cleared in 3 days. I can't think of any other way around this.

I'll have to think about this some more. These were real eye openers.

Thanks again.

John_S · 10:15 PM

Quote:

Even with people giving testimonials?

Just about. Take your copy. Do a search and replace "wrinkle remover" with "pink flying elephants," and then see if you won't want some pictures.

This is what you should have your graphics guy working to produce.

violinist1225 · **Thank you for the feedback. -** 10-03-2006, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by John_S

Just about. Take your copy. Do a search and replace "wrinkle remover" with "pink flying elephants," and then see if you won't want some pictures.

This is what you should have your graphics guy working to produce.

I appreciate your comments. I understand exactly what you mean now. I can't thank you enough for pointing this out.

I have a few more questions, if you don't mind.

1. Do you think I should completely delete and re-write the 1st half of my copy? Or all of it? Are there any specific portions that should be deleted? Some re-written? I'm not sure where to begin editing and fixing with my copy.

2. If I understand this correctly, is the main problem with my copy (besides the lack of photos/credibility) is that it's not focused on the main theme?

3. Do you have any other suggestions not mentioned?

violinist1225 · 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zachary

That reverse type is killing me. Change the blog theme, repost and then at least we'll be able to read it.

Hopefully your graphic designer doesn't lay your site out like THAT

I changed the color of the template to be more reader-friendly.
Salesletter critique

Zachary · 10-04-2006, 01:10 AM

Thanks for the change. I can read it now.

Please don't take this the wrong way. The copy isn't working for me at all. I'm trying to be nice here. Unlike how I came up writing copy: through the flames of affliction.

Imagine being yelled at, thought of as a complete idiot, cursed at, having to go back and do draft after draft... being told, "You're throwing $#$# at the wall and seeing if it sticks!"

That was my education in the art/science of ad writing for bucks. But I loved every minute of it. That's why I said it so nice... I know what it's like to get my ad ripped apart.

So, let me share with you one DARN BIG SECRET... you need to study ads that have generated money... especially ones sold to the same customer. Not necessarily marketing the same product, just the same customer.

Here's a site written by Gary Halbert. It's a similar product. If I had to write the copy for your product, I'd look for ads selling weight loss, and diet programs... it's about the same type of ad you need.

Read this site like 10 times minimum. Then, search out what seperates your product from the others. Then write you ad. Then post again. Then we'll work on your headline.

Hide Wrinkles

Hope this helps (actually, I know it help, if you do it)

John_S · 06:20 AM

Points 1-3. Well, let's see...

I’m very confused ... I’m not even in my 30’s yet and I am ...I want to take better care of my skin .... I was in utter denial ... I felt so good that I actually felt ... I was a horrible mess! ....I am so excited because I know that your life will change

You're told in copywriting to use "you" and not "I," so you tell me. Again, the "hide wrinkles" piece is more like copywriting -- it has a call to action and everything -- but you get the general idea. In that example, in no time Gary has you thinking about what it will feel like as you test it out yourself. Just turn it around and write it as if describing what it wll feel like to the reader. ....using the word you.

Again, delete what isn't "on point" and rigourously ask yourself if you're talking to yourself or your reader.

violinist1225 · **Thank you guys so much for your help! -** 10-04-2006, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by John_S

Points 1-3. Well, let's see...

I’m very confused ... I’m not even in my 30’s yet and I am ...I want to take better care of my skin .... I was in utter denial ... I felt so good that I actually felt ... I was a horrible mess! ....I am so excited because I know that your life will change

You're told in copywriting to use "you" and not "I," so you tell me. Again, the "hide wrinkles" piece is more like copywriting -- it has a call to action and everything -- but you get the general idea. In that example, in no time Gary has you thinking about what it will feel like as you test it out yourself. Just turn it around and write it as if describing what it wll feel like to the reader. ....using the word you.

Again, delete what isn't "on point" and rigourously ask yourself if you're talking to yourself or your reader.

Thank you for giving me these clear instructions. It's kind of "funny" because I have read books about copywriting and many of them have said to stay focused on "you" verses "I." I understood it completely, but still couldn't see the serious mistakes made in my own copy. It's one thing to read a book though and another to actually do it. Thank you again!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zachary

Thanks for the change. I can read it now.

Please don't take this the wrong way. The copy isn't working for me at all. I'm trying to be nice here. Unlike how I came up writing copy: through the flames of affliction.

Imagine being yelled at, thought of as a complete idiot, cursed at, having to go back and do draft after draft... being told, "You're throwing $#$# at the wall and seeing if it sticks!"

That was my education in the art/science of ad writing for bucks. But I loved every minute of it. That's why I said it so nice... I know what it's like to get my ad ripped apart.

So, let me share with you one DARN BIG SECRET... you need to study ads that have generated money... especially ones sold to the same customer. Not necessarily marketing the same product, just the same customer.

Here's a site written by Gary Halbert. It's a similar product. If I had to write the copy for your product, I'd look for ads selling weight loss, and diet programs... it's about the same type of ad you need.

Read this site like 10 times minimum. Then, search out what seperates your product from the others. Then write you ad. Then post again. Then we'll work on your headline.

Hide Wrinkles

Hope this helps (actually, I know it help, if you do it)

You're (and John_S) already being nice enough by taking the time to go through my copy and help me fix it. I understand what you mean with "getting your ad ripped apart," but constructive criticism is the only way to become better and wiser. Thank you so much for the link and tips. They're very helpful. I will study this and repost another copy.