If so, it would be greatly appreciated.

I sent the following out to my marathon training
group I coach last week. I know, I know, I should
run it by all of your combined expertise but
I was trying to get sales, fast. Sold three workshops
with the letter. I have more workshops coming up
so maybe you folks could give me some suggestions.

I've been studying copywriting pretty hard for about
two years, and am just starting to find my "voice".
But formatting, heading, offer, etc, I need advice
on.

Thanks again,
Gary

The first part is the email.
The link to the sales letter is further down.

It's funny because my business partner thinks
I'm nuts for writing an 11 page sales letter.

************************************
************************************
************************************

If the Sun and Moon should doubt,They'd immediately go out.
William Blake

Dear Beach Runners,

I remember vividly the week before my third marathon. I had
that feeling like...you know the feeling I am talking about...
the feeling like...

"I haven't trained enough!"

And all those ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) that
are associated with that idea.

Well you what I want to all you...

That thought is a bunch of crap.

It's not only worth flushing right down
the the toilet but also very dangerous.

You see, I was just in the Harbor College library this
morning reading a book that was talking about this
type of thinking.

The book was The Secret of the Ages by Robert Collier.
Collier was a copywriter and by using his words sold
millions of dollars of products. But he was also a very
spiritually minded man, and wrote some inspiring books
I am just starting to discover.

It was nice to sit in the library for a few hours with
a pencil, a yellow legal pad, and just think.

And thinking, my friend, is exactly what Collier
says is the secret of accomplishing all your
goals in life.

When we begin thinking thoughts like "I have
not trained enough" or "my knee is killing me"
or "I'll do it next year" then the subconscious
mind takes those messages and begins creating
that reality. Modern science is making it very
clear that atoms and molecules are influenced
by energy waves and thinking is energy waves.

So instead he recommends thinking positive
thoughts like "I'm in fantastic shape" or "my
chirunning form will help my knee finish
the marathon" or "I'll finish this race even
if I have to walk the whole thing" creates
energy waves of abundance.

And that is the way to see health, as abundantly
as possible. Your body can do the most
amazing things. Look at Steve's performance
at Mt. Baldy. He knows the secret...he had
to believe it was possible first before the
physical reality would manifest itself.

So three years ago, feeling undertrained,
I went to spot in San Pedro overlooking
the ocean, sat and meditated. And I saw
these negative thoughts for what they really
were...

FEAR.

And then I prayed to tuned into a higher power,
and found a safety, a security, a feeling that
everything would be alright. Call it faith.

And even if you don't have complete faith
in yourself right now, fake it. Lie to yourself.
Imagine yourself crossing the finish line
with all us hugging you as you wipe
away tears of joy as you feel like you've
accomplished the hardest thing you've ever
done your whole life, as you look down at
that medal around your neck.

And carry that thought with you every day
from here to the day of the marathon.

And I don't want to exactly promise anything
but watch the miracles happen.

I finished that marathon under 4 hours surprising
myself. But not my subconscious because for
months I had been visualizing myself crossing
that finish line under four hours. I just needed
a little faith that week. And by closing your eyes,
tuning into prayer, breath, prana/chi, all is possible.

Some other Collier quotes...

"For the world without is but a reflection of that
world within. Your thought CREATES the conditions
your mind images. Keep before your minds eye
the image of all want to be and you will see it
reflected in the world without. Think abundance,
feel abundance, BELIEVE abundance, and you will
find that as think and feel and believe, abundance
will manifest itself in your daily life."

"Throw away all the pictures you have which
show poverty or sickness or unhappiness. Know
that hey are no part God's perfect picture. See
in your mind's eye the perfect picture that should
be there. Then CLAIM it! Believe that you have it! And
as your faith is, so will it be unto you."

************************************************** ***
What is the best thing you can do to improve your
running before the marathon?

Come to our ChiRunning workshop
next Sunday, Oct 1st, in Long Beach. Immediately
that day we will improve your running. Guaranteed.

Here's that long story I promised you
about the power of ChiRunning last week.
It also tells you more details about our
workshops.

http://www.socalrunning.com/GaryLongRunLetter.pdf

Call Steve now because he, despite my grumblings, has
some rediculously cheap price for Beach Runners.

Steve ( 818 ) 414-9181

************************************************** ***
ps To begin running as fast as Gary or Steve does
you really need to attend a small ChiRunning
Workshop so call Steve and signup!!!!

We have our first workshop next Sunday.
Just in time before the marathon.
If you are running in ANY pain,
you need to come to this workshop.

Steve's number...( 818 ) 414-9181

Make that leap of faith and trust us to take
your running to the next level.

We've taken you this far haven't we?

Hi;

so here is my modeste vision please believe in my respect and my sympathy.

1) I was happy to see an email without (dozen) of link (the same link) repeated over the email.

but I was to read a lot before to see the link, and some time I was lost, marrathon robert collier, copywriter, million and sales.

some time people are busy and do th reading fast they need to see the link to go to it, and then to read the entir email.

2)the link (pdf format).

people affraid download, some arn't ready to download anything.

3)the contact way.

the only online one you give (if I am not wrong) is an email, and Phone number in a position where it is realy hard to find them.

so it is not easy to contact you.

if reader print the document then perhaps they will forget to contact you.

so here is my vision:

a link to a Web page. is perhaps better.
and make the contact information as often as possible without altering the content.

thiw was my vision , please believe in my sympathy and my respect and hope that it help.

Gary

I had some comments on your previous request for a critique, because I too am a runner. I've actually got Danny Dreyer's book and am practicing chi-running, and found I've finally gotten my injuries under control!

The PDF letter seemed to have a lot of good stuff in it. The suggestion I'd make is that you need to break it up a bit. Try some bits in bold, underlined, italics, different fonts, different sized fonts etc. It was difficult to read because it ultimately became pages and pages of straight text.

You could put some actual bullets in with your benefits, and consider breaking the benefits up into the main areas of running, like endurance, speed, injury or something like that. It may not work, but it may help sort those bullet points out, and make them more specific to people who have certain needs.

Hope I can find a chi-running workshop in Australia one day.

Regards

Hugh

Tubs,

Thanks a lot for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I agree wholeheartedly with your suggestions. In retrospect, this was not the best sales letter, for many reasons, not just the ones you mentioned.

The letter does need to be broken up into more digestable chunks. And needs to be more focused on benefits such as endurance, speed, etc.

I am doing some rewriting. Studying Makepeace's strategies right now and will reorganize letter into more of a free report with tons of running tips that leads into a sales letter. All in all this is a great learning project for me as "ChiRunning" is so esoteric it is a tough sell.

Do you have any questions about chirunning? How is your running practice going right now? I would love to hear more.

Gary