Are YOU Afraid of Offline Sales Copy?

JP Maroney · 01:06 AM

This letter is for an "offline business." It's an endorsement that will be printed and mailed by a "bottled water company" to their client list of 800 plus business accounts... endorsing my client's "Secure, Mobile Shredding" services.

Now...

Although I LOVE this board for many, many things... I've submitted projects for "critique" before -- with mixed results.

I realize I'm opening myself for "whatever flys" -- so while I'm definitely open to making this BETTER -- I'm not necessarily accepting everything as gospel.

If you wanna take a look, and offer suggestions for improvement... it's appreciated.

NOTE: If you wanna see this letter formatted, check out the PDF at this link...

www.jpmaroney.com/projects/waterguyletter.pdf

Here's the text:

Quote:

From: The Water Guy (Andy, we’ll get his accurate info/logo, etc)

Dear Robert,

I value your business here at Water Guy!

And, it’s my personal mission to find new and better ways to serve your business – to bring advantages to you that you might not know about or have access to otherwise.

That’s why I’m writing to you today!

I’d like you to meet a good friend and colleague of mine. His name is Andy Jacobs.

Andy is the president of Rapid Information Destruction (RID) Services… a secure shredding company that provides on-site, confidential shredding of:

Sensitive documents
Binders – including tabs, metal and all (no need to sort or separate)
Magnetic Reel and VCR Tapes
DVDs and CDs
Computer Hard Drives
X-Rays
And more…

I personally use RID Services for our shredding here at Water Guy. And I think you should too. In fact…

I’ve just made special arrangements for you to receive a FREE first routine shred for your company… completely without risk or expense – or $50.00 OFF a one-time “purge shred” – the choice is yours. See the end of this letter for more details.

Here’s why you should know about Andy Jacobs and RID Services…

#1… Identity Theft Can Be A Profit Killer!

Identity theft is on the rise… and…

(over, please…)
Whether your customers are consumers concerned about identity theft and privacy, or companies concerned with protecting trade information, you are entrusted with information they consider extremely confidential.

In fact, whether you know it or not, you have an “implied contract” to protect that information simply based on the fact that you are collecting the data to conduct business.

They have a legal right to expect you to take every precaution to protect it, including shredding it before it is discarded.

#2… You Could Face Stiff Penalties and Steep Fines!!!

You may be facing increased government imposed regulations… it’s possible your organization is required to comply with laws and regulations.

Regulations that require you to protect
certain information when it is discarded.

An increasing number of laws actually require organizations to SHRED or face steep fines. At the federal level, FACTA (Credit Report Info), HIPAA (healthcare) and Gramm-Leach-Bliley (financial) require specific physical safeguards, such as shredding, to meet compliance. Or…

Stiff Penalties Could Result!!!

Don’t be a victim! Don’t let your valuable information – or the information of your clients and customers – to fall into the hands of the wrong people.

“Dumpster Diving” has become an epidemic…

Your business could be at risk. And it could cost you thousands or millions of dollars in fines, penalties or legal fees.

The solution is EASY and Cost Effective!

Shredding Makes Sense: And it makes sense to entrust your confidential information destruction to a company you can trust.

That’s why I’ve made special arranges for you to try RID Services’ Confidential On-Site Shredding completely without RISK or Cost!

You may be asking yourself… “Why can’t we
just shred all this stuff ourselves… in-house?”

(See page 3…)
Here are 7 reasons “Doing it yourself” is a HUGE mistake:

1. Employees are more productive when focused on their core responsibilities – not hovering over a shredding machine
2. Safety – even small machines could cause injury if they grab clothing or accessories
3. It actually costs MORE to shred in-house… when you consider capital investments in equipment, employee expenditures and lost opportunity costs
4. Company info such as payroll, legal and employment issues, and correspondence should not be exposed to most employees
5. Employees are most likely to realize the value of discarded company information and some employees might be tempted to retain sensitive data for illegal use
6. In-house shredding will not handle large volumes and may prompt employees to shortcut the destruction process
7. Smaller in-house shredding machines require pre-sorting… removing all metal and thick items… while RID Services’ on-site shredding truck shreds EVERYTHING without sorting or separating ANYTHING!

RID Services makes your life easier by bringing their high-tech, high-capacity mobile shredding unit to you. You don’t have to leave the office… or lift a finger to see that your documents and materials are shredded.

They will:
Provide attractive, professional collection containers
Schedule a pick up appointment that’s convenient to your business schedule
Come to your business and conduct all shredding on-site
Shred your confidential materials – even video taping for permanent record
Bill you promptly and accurately
Provide a certificate of destruction

Additional reasons to choose RID Services for your professional shredding:

Security
Licensed, bonded, insured and security-checked personnel
Uniformed personnel wearing ID badges for easy identification
On-board video recording system
Locking / slotted containers
Certificate of destruction

Economy
Capable of shredding 6,000 lbs/hr
NO need to sort materials
Reduce labor costs and improve office efficiency, productivity and confidentiality
Eliminate storage costs on documents saved past their legal retention period

(over, please…)
Convenience
Drop the materials in the slotted, locking container and walk away
Scheduled or on-call service available
NO contracts… discontinue the service at any time
3 styles of locking / slotted collection containers
NO rental charges for containers
FREE delivery of containers

Ecology & Community
Shredded material is recycled and sorted at they recycling center
50% of recycle revenue is donated to community programs

Flexibility
On-site / Off-site shredding
On-call service
Scheduled, routine pick-up custom tailored to your needs
Purges of all sizes – including office moves and remodels
Evening and weekend services available

Customer Service
They wipe down collection containers to keep your office looking professional
Access via e-mail, phone and fax to immediately address your questions
Quarterly newsletter to keep you informed

Guarantee
If you are not completely and totally satisfied with their service… they’ll make it right… or you don’t pay!

I can’t say enough good things about RID Services and Andy Jacobs. I hope you’ll give them a fair try.

As I mentioned already, I’ve arranged for you to receive your first routine shred absolutely FREE and without RISK. Or, if you prefer… take $50.00 off your first “purge.”

Just call RID Services at (000) 391-0190 and let them “Get RID Of It!!!”

Warmly,

Water Guy

PS: HURRY… Offer Expires 10/31/06 -- The FREE first routine shred… or $50.00 off your first purge expires Tuesday, Oct. 31, 2006. So, call Andy at RID Services ASAP – (000) 391-0190! You’ll really like this guy and the service he provides.

Fire away....

Lance K · **Just out of curiosity... -** 10-02-2006, 11:31 PM

Will all of these prospects understand what a "purge" shred is?

JP Maroney · 10-02-2006, 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lakading

Will all of these prospects understand what a "purge" shred is?

Fantastic question. Doubt it...

Noted -- and will address this in the copy.

Thanks!!!

Zachary · 10-02-2006, 11:40 PM

JP,

Idea: The lead could be changed a bit.

Right after you take the exclamation point from the line, "That’s why I’m writing to you today!" (that sentence reads like: THAT'S WHY I'M WRITING YOU TODAY!

[see how funny it looks like that]

You should take a few paragraphs to warm them up. Talk about the threat of sensitive business info being stolen and used at a cost to the biz. Research it, I'm sure you'll find a couple of golden nuggets. In fact, if you do, you should try to use it as a grabber in the mailing and use that as your theme.

After you state the FACT that people raid trash to make money illegally from your business debris, go into how you solved the problem. Tell them "what" YOU did. Then use that as the launching pad for the rest of the letter--telling why this company was your prime choice VS. all the other competition in this field.

I think that will help set up the selling environment a little bit better. As opposed to coming right in and going for the throat.

Ken Strong · 10-02-2006, 11:48 PM

JP, a couple of quick thoughts:

I see two exclamation points in the first three paragraphs -- I would get rid of at least one of those, and preferably both, and cut out some of the other !s in the letter -- seems a bit over the top for a business letter.

I think "Reason #1: Identity Theft is a Profit Killer" could be stronger. From a business owner's standpoint, Reason #2 might be a bigger concern.

A bigger concern for business owners would be angry customers, bad PR, and the damage to their reputation. Perhaps "profit killer" could be replaced by something like "credibility killer."

.02.5,
Ken S.

JP Maroney · 10-04-2006, 01:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zachary

JP,

Idea: The lead could be changed a bit.

Right after you take the exclamation point from the line, "That’s why I’m writing to you today!" (that sentence reads like: THAT'S WHY I'M WRITING YOU TODAY!

[see how funny it looks like that]

You should take a few paragraphs to warm them up. Talk about the threat of sensitive business info being stolen and used at a cost to the biz. Research it, I'm sure you'll find a couple of golden nuggets. In fact, if you do, you should try to use it as a grabber in the mailing and use that as your theme.

After you state the FACT that people raid trash to make money illegally from your business debris, go into how you solved the problem. Tell them "what" YOU did. Then use that as the launching pad for the rest of the letter--telling why this company was your prime choice VS. all the other competition in this field.

I think that will help set up the selling environment a little bit better. As opposed to coming right in and going for the throat.

I have some stuff here from my client... I'll see if we can kick up the sizzle.

I don't want to forget that this letter is to a list a of people who TRUST and already do business with the "letter writer"... The JV Partner.

Make sense?

So that's an important component... the fact that he's making an introduction. It can't be overlooked.

JP Maroney · 10-04-2006, 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken Strong

JP, a couple of quick thoughts:

I see two exclamation points in the first three paragraphs -- I would get rid of at least one of those, and preferably both, and cut out some of the other !s in the letter -- seems a bit over the top for a business letter.

I think "Reason #1: Identity Theft is a Profit Killer" could be stronger. From a business owner's standpoint, Reason #2 might be a bigger concern.

A bigger concern for business owners would be angry customers, bad PR, and the damage to their reputation. Perhaps "profit killer" could be replaced by something like "credibility killer."

.02.5,
Ken S.

Hmmm... OK! Makes Sense! I see what you're saying!!!

I'll work on it.

Also, let me think about the hook a bit further.

BTW:

Anyone else see a more powerful and compelling hook? Something I should redirect my attention to?

Zachary · 10-04-2006, 01:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JP Maroney

I have some stuff here from my client... I'll see if we can kick up the sizzle.

I don't want to forget that this letter is to a list a of people who TRUST and already do business with the "letter writer"... The JV Partner.

Make sense?

So that's an important component... the fact that he's making an introduction. It can't be overlooked.

Right. Exactly. It can't be overlooked one bit. That's why you don't need a big story for the pitch. Just a couple paragraphs should do it 'cause the guy already has the credibility with the list.

You still need AIDA.

I think it was Scott Haines who wrote a pitch for Gary Halbert to Gary's list. After the P.S. Gary told Scott to add a "who is Gary Halbert and why should you listen to him?" credibility builder. Scott was puzzled. "Aren't you sending this to your own list?" he asked. Yes, but you still need to add every element in order to make it succcessful.

On that note: I recently wrote a pitch for a client to his house list-a special segment of his list where they opted in to his early bird list. So these people DEFINATELY knew who was sending this letter. I still put the "who the heck is..." section. The letter pulled a whopping 51% conversion rate! He made BIG money in a short time.

JP Maroney · 10-04-2006, 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zachary

Right. Exactly. It can't be overlooked one bit. That's why you don't need a big story for the pitch. Just a couple paragraphs should do it 'cause the guy already has the credibility with the list.

You still need AIDA.

I think it was Scott Haines who wrote a pitch for Gary Halbert to Gary's list. After the P.S. Gary told Scott to add a "who is Gary Halbert and why should you listen to him?" credibility builder. Scott was puzzled. "Aren't you sending this to your own list?" he asked. Yes, but you still need to add every element in order to make it succcessful.

On that note: I recently wrote a pitch for a client to his house list-a special segment of his list where they opted in to his early bird list. So these people DEFINATELY knew who was sending this letter. I still put the "who the heck is..." section. The letter pulled a whopping 51% conversion rate! He made BIG money in a short time.

Thanks Zachary... I'll work on it.

BTW: I just LOVE it when you copy guys use the word "Whopping!"

JP Maroney · 10-04-2006, 01:47 AM

Try this out for size... improvement?