Dear friends,

It's a dark day here at the Me & My Mouse creative studios. I have a client who feels he didn't get his money's worth out of my copywriting. His name is Armin Brott. As "Mr. Dad" he's got a syndicated radio program and newspaper column. He's also authored a half-dozen books. His target audience is fathers-to-be and new fathers, though sales are usually consummated by the wife.

My job was to create sales copy for his first DVD "Toolbox for New Dads." Sales have not increased one bit since adopting the new copy. And at a recent Lamaze trainers convention, a sales sheet I created for the DVD was placed in the goody bags of all attendees. Not one response. Ugh!

Would you give me your two cents? Nickels' and dimes' worth gladly accepted.

To give you the experience from the prospect's eyes, I'll send you to the home page. Just look for the Toolbox for New Dads link.

The site: http://www.mrdad.com

The Lamaze sales sheet (pdf): http://www.meandmymouse.com/clients/...SalesSheet.pdf

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate this.

Roger

Hi,

first of all I want to say: "Thank you", many are to claim success after success and just few are to say that some time there is something that arn't realy a success, this is a job.

Thank you for the sincerity.

(I don't see the salesletters you talke about)

Now regarding to the PDF.

please believe in my respect and my sympathy here is my humble vision:

1)the emplacement:

"a sales sheet I created for the DVD was placed in the goody bags of all attendees".

I think modestely that this is a place were people are looking for something else, If it was mine I would to place it in the Convention program, people tend to keep these programm to show it to freind etc.

2)the sales sheet.

2-1)the headline don't grab me , there is not enougth pushing in reading, it is just an interrogation that don't make me to think, and imagine all the virility of men asking some question like:
"what he is talking about" me handling a toolbow for baby?

2-2) the following text stop me on reading :

"Dear childbirth educator,
My schedule wouldn’t allow me
to be in Boston this week, so I
worked into the wee hours of the
morning to get this piece of paper
to you. Why the big rush?"

I said to myself, if he don't give enought time and attention to this why have I to read it.

thisis my vision hope that help.

again please believe in my respet and my sympathy and Thank you.

Roger:

I was going to take a minute to go to your home page and do a critique like you requested.

However, your website is so horribly congested, I immediately clicked away.

I was willing to help, but not when there's that much work involved to find a simple link.

Clean up your site, it's way too busy!

Dale King

Roger,

First, the headline says squat about what this is or what it does, especially for the lamaze instructor. I mean, you say:

“Why Every Father-to-Be Needs
A Toolbox for New Dads”

There are no benefits. Nothing tells me "what's in it for me?" Even for the mother. I mean, why should dads get this? Some bullets on the 2nd page (and just some) give vague benefits. Such as...

"The 'magic hold' almost guaranteed to sooth a crying baby."

But other than those quickie bullets, there's nothing else. On the first page, your bullets speak more about "fears and anxieties" shared by dads. Methinks this is a given. Plus, moms don't care. They just want dads to be, well, dads! (And to share in the child-rearing process.)

That leads to stronger relationships, shared workload, more quality time, a more controllable baby, a more well-adjusted family, deeper relationship between parents, stronger kids, etc.

Sidebar: Take a look at the show Super Nanny on TV -- a reality TV show that's hot right now. Last week, there was a piece in Yahoo! News: "SuperNanny reveals how to calm your even your out-of-control neighbors' kids!" Etc. One of the most viewed newspieces on Yahoo last week. For more, see:

ABC.com: Supernanny

Anyway, you're not speaking to the dad, or more importantly, your target market (moms). Even worse, the Lamaze trainer.

Why would dads get this? What's in it for them? More important, what's in it for moms who get it for the dads? Even better, in this case, what's in it for Lamaze trainers?

To me, there are a few more "in your face" benefits, like "how to turn deadbeat, confused or lazy new fathers into Superdads!" (or "how to lighten the load off of mom's shoulders when dad learns the secrets that not only gets him to share more in the parental duties, but also enjoy the process! (Even baby will love it, too!)

So a better headline might be:

"The Untold Secrets of Truly Happy Expectant Mothers."

Or...

"How Exhausted Moms Can Turn Dads Into Superheroes... Without Lifting A Finger! (All You Need Is This DVD.)" Etc, etc, etc.

I'm sure there are more, as this is just a quick-glance critique.

Something else caught me...

This testimonials says:

“DVD is very entertaining and fun to watch, loaded with EXTREMELY helpful information given in a classroom environment, nicely put together with beautiful graphics."

Hmmm. The only catcher here is "exremely helpful information." But of what? What does it do? What is it? And how can this help the Lamaze trainer?

Even more important, in the call-to-action section, there's a lot of confusion. Does this mean they buy it sort of wholesale, to later resell it to dads? (And they know it's hard to sell to dads, but easily sold to moms. But this is left out, and so Lamaze educators are left guessing as to what to do with these DVDs. If they have to guess, my guess is that they HAVE to sell this to dads. Not a good predicament.)

Plus, there's no direct benefit for the instructor. Will this make them look good? Can it give them an extra stream of income? Will it cause mothers to talk about how resourceful the instructor is, and therefore increase referrals of more expectant mothers to the classroom? Etc, etc, etc.

You get the picture.

By the way, a sidenote...

Here's a great article from David Bullock (one of the premiere experts on Taguchi and multivariate testing), that's complementary to what I just said:

"Two Reasons Why People Don't Buy"
Taguchi Dynamic Ad Optimization Seminar - Two Reason Why

OUCH! That hurt Michel. But you're right on every count.

Dale, your response was what I expected from the typical prospect. BTW, it' snot my site and I did not design it.

Abdellah, I did have a much stronger opening, but it was rejected by Lamaze at the last minute.

Thank you all for your time and consideration.

Roger

I personally don't like the price-point. To me the "sale price" of $29.95 is too high.

I don't like the cover art either. It looks "childish" (I had another word in mind but I'll stick to "childish"). I know it's a DVD about having a new baby in the house and such but it just doesn't strike me as something that I would like to be seen carrying.

I also don't like his mug shot being that large either (on the flyer).

Hi Roger,

Michel's pointed to the crux of the matter:

How did you research this?

Interviews with satisfied customers (or any data from those who've returned the product, if possible.), Lamaze coaches/students, etc. would be a good place to start, if you haven't done so.

I didn't see any indication that your client sponsors a forum. If he doesn't, he should.

In any case, find a mothers-to-be/new parents forum. Lurk for a few days and go through their old threads. Zero in on the one's with high page views and a lot of back and forth, those are the hot-buttons for your market.

Dig in for the deep benefits. They're there.

Don't get down on yourself. I've swung and whiffed a few times, too. Just keep digging.

A.

Roger,

Of course, by now, you've gotten some great advice. So I'm going to focus on the pdf page, and what to do with it...

Bullets, my man, bullets!

Since you only have 2 pages to sell, that thing should be riddled with bullets.

Opening paragraphs: #1should quickly introduce credibility of the expert. #2Then talk about this hot new DVD training. #3Then use the "manly" approach--explain that most men won't step foot in a lamaz class, so that's why I did this DVD.

Then do bullets! Organize them in a logical manner. Seperate sections with Subheads and sentegraphs. What I mean by logical is separate the content into step sequences. Example: when you finally "get the call" (call at work that it's time...had one of those. It was a false alarm At the hospital. During labor. Etc.

Of course this all depends on the content of the DVD.

Actually, this sounds like a fun assignment. Have fun with it.