Hey Guys

Can you please give me your opinion on this
ad I am working on

The Target audience is people who are looking
for a Home Based Business Opportunity

they have probably tried many diiferent opportunities
and spent a lot of money in the process

http://jackbastide.com/socfullpagead12.pdf

Thanks !

Jack

Freakin Wimps ...

I just got this from the Magazine Advertising
Manager

==============================

Jack,

I cannot run this ad. The headline is a problem, being that this is a
bus. opportunity magazine.Let me know if you want to alter it and
I will be glad to look at something else.

Thanks
Melissa

==============================

Geeze!!

Jack

Hi Jack,

Here are my suggestions to make a big increase in response...

1) I wouldn't go smaller than 10 pt for a print ad, even if you need to cut content.

2) I'd go for a more reporter style, advertorial angle. Maybe someone else interviewing you. What you have here is basically a sales letter laid out like a article. I think you'll get better response blending in with the format of the magazine. Advertorials usually get 500% more readership.

3) Use a serif-font like Time New Romans for print ads. It's generates a higher response. It's what people are used to reading in print. Plus, the added horizontal marks encourage one to continue reading across. It also make it look less like an ad.

4) I've been studying inverted text studies a lot. The results seem to say a) They attract attention b) but the message doesn't get processed properly. Like 84% less comprehensiion. I'd suggest just putting the warning in inverted text, but the "99%" headline in regular black on white. It's crucial your headline gets processed immediately.

5) I'd be more specific than just "suck!!!". It's been overdone. Specifitiy rules. Point out one or two the biggest reasons they suck. So that people who've already been through it will go, "Yeah, he know what's I'm been through - so what does he have to offer.

6) I had to read the "$$$ from wallet" a few times to work out the connection. It's cute, but I don't think it processes fast enough to have an impact. It's more a branding slogan than a direct-response headline.

7) I'd get to the fact you spent 12 years plus thousands of dollars quicker than you do. It's a big proof point, which you obviously need to sell this.

Maybe be more specific than 12 yars and thousands of dollars. Make it more grueiling, 11 years, 8 months, and 3 days, plus $5,938.23...

9) The examples of your horror stories are really good. Nice work.

10) May want to offer up front that you have finally found something that works, then go into the horror stories. Otherwise they might think you are just telling them to watch out.

11) You're missing periods in different places. It's hard to read, because you think they are the same sentence.

12) You have a lot of double periods also. Or a period, followed by an ellipses.

13) I'd loose the boxes around the columns. If you really feel you need something, just two verticle lines, in 50% black around the center column.

14) "An Automated Internet Based Contact Manager / Greeting Card Sender" that's a mouthful that sound too technical for your opening introduction. You could loose a ton of people right there. It sounds like you need a Phd to run it.

15) You start using capitals after commas. For peace of mind, I have a professional proofreader look over it. I Craig Sebestiano every single day. He understands direct-response. You can reach him at: mailto:craig@thewriter.ca Let him handle the cleanup.

16) The testimonials are almost unreadable. White on light grey? What's up with that?

17) I'd add more info to the testimonials names. Otherwise they look fake. Make them look real. Add pictures.

1 "Who Needs This?" Weak subhead. I'd suggest a why... Something like "Who Can Start Making Large Increases in Revenue With SendOutCards?" Some benefit mixed in.

19) I think you need to be clear why you are introducing these other people. You present this as a business opportunity. Then you say it can be used by these professionals. It took me a few seconds to understand, that you mean I could sell the system to these professional. So maybe you need more of "Who could you sell this to? Who would buy it?" type headline.

20) The "Who doesn't need it?" followed by "Our competition?" confused me at first. Had to read it twice.

21) I think the "Who needs this section" would have more effect you simply said almost any profession, because it does ________________. Show them why it's so valuable, instead of just telling them it is.

22) I heard, recently, about an interview with Donald Trump on TV. He was asked what would he do if he suddenly lost all his money and had to start from scratch. He replied, "I'd go into network marketing." Some people in the audience scowled. That's when he replied, "That why I'm up here and you're down there." Might work for your ad. It seems your trying to defend objections to becoming involved in network marketing - but mainly by just being proud of it, which probably isn't enough.

23) I think you are trying to make two sales at the same time: 1) To become a distribtor 2) To start using it for your own business. It ends up just being confusing. I'd suggest you focus on one at a time. You'll get a higher response, no doubt.

24) This needs your name, photo and some background info. Otherwise you sound like some scam artist hiding behind a website name.

25) You don't have too much space here. I'd focus on not trying to sell them on it, but just having them call you or visit the website. I definitely put the call option in, even if it's just to leave their name and number to be mailed more info.

Hope that helps. Thanks for sharing. I like print advertising a lot.

John

Jack,

I love this ad. Especially how you dismantle some of the "usual suspects" in a No B.S. way.

Saying 98.3% in the headline too is eyecatching.

Where I think it can improve is:

1. I'm not sure I would place the "Try the system" box at the end of the middle column. The reason why is you finish reading the first column (which is very well written) and the first thing you see is that box. It's like it's introduced too early because then you go to the top of the middle column knowing you're about to be sold something.

2. It really wasn't clear to me WHY this opportunity is any more legit than the ones debunked. Seems like you need some more proof.

Overall, I like the tone, the punchiness, the "I'm one of you" feeling. I just think you need to set the opportunity apart from the "failures" a little more than just saying it's cheaper.

My 2 pennies.

Can't really blame them. You're basically saying 99% of their ads are rips offs.

Personally, I don't like the feel of those headlines. It shows fear of competition. Suggests a scarcity mindset.

Why not try something like, "How I Went From Loosing $750 a Month On Business Opportunities to Earning Up to $2938 Without Leaving My Front Porch"

Or, "After 12 Years and $9345.83, I Finally Found a Business Venture That Worked For Me"

That's some quick thoughts. No way around it. You'll have to write out 50 to 100 headlines, and pick the best one.

High response!

John

Thanks Guys,

I want something extremely "edgy" to stand out
amongst all the "I Made $5635.45 in My Underwear"
ads

I guess I made it a little too edgy

I put in a call to the Advertising manager too see
exactly WHAT they had a problem with and how I can do
a work around

OK .. so I trashed all the other advertisers .. f*ck em if
they can't take a joke

Jack

Of course a better explaination of the rejection would be best.

I think maybe just the skulls dropped it out of the "opportunity" catagory.

Dont use reverse blocking. Stats say it never helps to get read.

Try for a new bold angle. He didn't complain about the copy and it looks OK to me also. Reduce the Fonts sizes to 2 different ones plus the headline.

Just wriite out 20 more headlines.

Hey Chuck,

Actually, I read it a in-depth study that proved that it did get noticed.

The problem was that it didn't get processed. It draws the idea, but the comprehension of what is actually said in reverse print is not good.

Too bad, really, it's actually easier on the eyes -- especially online. If you get used to it, it's had to go back to black on white.

John