How to lose what little dignity you have left

ior3k · **How to lose what little dignity you have left -** 09-27-2006, 10:07 AM

Hi all,

This came to my mind, although I'm not exactly sure what to do with it. My intention is to turn this into a resume of sorts, although being the one that wrote it, I'm sure it is rather less funny than I think it to be.

Anyone thinks there's hope to this?

I Risked My Life to Bring You This Top-Secret Secret!
How You Can Raise Your Karma Points And Win The Appreciation Of Many* With Almost No Effort** While Still Earning Tons Of Cashola!

Dear <insert famous copywriter name here>,

Do you struggle with having too much time on your hands? Do you feel frustrated and abandoned, left to work alone, having no one with whom to share your joys, or to become the target of your frustrations?

Hi, I'm A. Prentiss, and I'm here to tell you about one of the best kept secrets in the history of Copywriting--a secret that only the most masterful masters know about and never wanted to share, because of the fear that it would produce the collapse of world economy, the end of all the rain forests and a substantial decrease in their profits.

This secret is a system which I have named "A. Prentiss Ship". It is the most breaking breakthrough ever to hit the history of copywriting in the last 5 minutes! During my 7 years of spiritual retreat in Tibet, I worked with many masters of Copywriting, studying their every move, following every stroke of the pen, squinting my eyes at the dancing shadows in the candle light. And there I learned this life-changing secret that all of them strove to conceal from me.

They all had a junior copywriter doing the boring work for them!

Imagine my surprise at this discovery--all of them without exception had skinny fellows with big barreled glasses doing the grunt work for them. In exchange for that they would teach them their craft and hit them with a baseball bat for FREE whenever they felt like it !***

Now, I know what you are thinking. "Do you think I'm stupid? This baseball bat talk is very pleasant and all but they still had to give room and board to these skinny guys. I know how they work in Tibet! It must be expensive!"

But here lies the core of this system that I developed with risk to my own life, so I could share it with lonely, unappreciated masters like you:

With the Internet, you can have all the benefits of a junior copywriter without any of the hassles!****

Think about it--a junior Copywriter at a distance! He is trained to get his own food, PLUS he already owns his own house! This particular model is even trained to go to the bathroom by himself!

That's why I am only sending this offer to the elite of masterhood! Our "David Leal" top-of-the-line model is a waste in the hands of the lesser masters who have no appreciation for the subtleties of fine copywriting!

Now, I'm sure you are already salivating in anticipation, but you may be apprehensive about the price of such a select article. Fear not: I must be absolutely nuts to do it, but this model is yours for a completely negotiable price!

And that is not all--your junior "David Leal" copywriting model comes with these FREE offers:

* BONUS #1: An Intermediate designer module for all your intermediate design needs (a $5 value!)
* BONUS #2: An Expert programmer module (tested for 8+ years!) for everything from HTML to Back-End programming (a $10 value!)
* BONUS #3: An Incredibly Funny Personality(tm) module, which comes up on the most inappropriate***** moments (a -$50 value!)

__
|_| Yes! I have no idea of what you are talking about but I'm interested anyway! Send me more information about this incredible opportunity! I understand that my "David Leal" junior copywriter model comes packed with an Intermediate Designer Module, an Expert Programmer Module and an Incredibly Funny Personality(tm) module, which comes up on the most inapp--unexpected moments!

What are you waiting for? This offer lasts only until the end of the first full moon in the year 2733! So, order now and begin experiencing the joys of my "A. Prentiss Ship" system with our top-of-the-line model, "David Leal" today!

Sincerely,

A. Prentiss

P.S., Don't forget that this offer lasts only until the end of the first full moon in the year 2933! Heck, make it 3133 just because I really like you!

Also, you have my 3 1/2hr., 100% satisfaction-guarantee that if you don't like the junior copywriter you can tell him to 'Bugger Off' and he will immediately erase all your emails and go looking for some berries (after going to the bathroom, which he is trained to do alone). No questions asked and no hard feelings!

* Well, one to be exact.
** That is, I think, disputable.
*** Sold separately.
**** Minus the baseball bat hitting--sorry about that. You can still ask him to hit himself with one, though (see ***). Or you can fire up an insulting email to the dude. The possibilities are endless!
***** Did I say "inappropriate"? I meant to say... uh... "unexpected!" Yeah, that's it.

Erik Mulder · 10:42 AM

Absolutely love it!

If you're actually going to use this, I suggest adding a subhead where you claim that this is actually a serious offer for an apprenticeship, before encouraging them to read on.

Then, I'd add a PS that says:

P.S., Ok, you got it, I'm bold, different and have studied so many sales letters I've contracted a geeky sense of humor from it.

But I am serious when I say I'm up for an apprenticeship. I'll do your research, write your drafts and learn the ropes of writing controls. Give me a call at 0001 or hit reply and let's talk.

Definitely stands out!

ior3k · 09-27-2006, 02:33 PM

Erik,

thank you for your encouragement and ideas. It makes complete sense to put some text similar to what you suggested in the mail.

Now I only need to get a hold on a famous copywriter's email... MWAHAHAHA!

sheriw · **Yes, it's funny -** 09-27-2006, 02:34 PM

Okay, I laughed out loud at this. But honestly, you sound possibly a bit burned out and cynical? I once thought of writing a letter like this, a few years ago, when I was over-worked and underpaid, writing for senior marketers.

It's true, which is why it's funny (except for the Tibet part, that is; I know you're making fun of the "work from anywhere" copy that abounds on the Net.

Suggestions: take a few days off. Think of how many junior apprentices you can find to work for you. Then, enjoy editing the snot out of their copy.

And thanks for the humor!
Sheri

ior3k · 05:52 AM

Sheri,

Quote:

Originally Posted by sheriw

Okay, I laughed out loud at this. But honestly, you sound possibly a bit burned out and cynical? I once thought of writing a letter like this, a few years ago, when I was over-worked and underpaid, writing for senior marketers.

I never worked as a copywriter before--no burnout here. I may have been reading too many internet marketing newsletters, though.

This is actually something I would like to send to a master copywriter. Since I have no experience, and therefore nothing to show, I thought this could be a creative way to show off some mad copywriting skillz... well, let's say, slightly crazy copywriting skillz... ok, it'll show them that I can at least make a headline big and red.

Quote:

It's true, which is why it's funny

Yikes! Maybe I should start gardening instead of trying to get into copywriting.

Quote:

(except for the Tibet part, that is; I know you're making fun of the "work from anywhere" copy that abounds on the Net.

Actually I mentioned Tibet to make fun of those life-changing experiences one often hears about in sales letters. The 7 years was a subtle reference to the movie "7 years in Tibet" which I haven't seen. The title sounded cool, though. My fault. Sorry.

Quote:

And thanks for the humor!

Thank you for your encouragement. I'm glad you liked it.

maxjohan · 09-28-2006, 09:15 AM

I don't see anything wrong with your copy... keep going strong, very funny too -- bet it will sell!

Do you charge like $20 per 250 words for copy?

If so.. I have work for you.

You can PM me if intrested.

ior3k · 12:12 PM

Care to guess who?

I'm not sure if he's reading this mail or if someone reads it for him, so I prefaced it with an introductory note. I hope I haven't overdone it. Anyone care to comment?

Quote:

Hi,

I'm guessing that it's not <the master> reading this. It would make sense if it was, but since this e-mail is public (I got it from WHOIS), he probably doesn't touch the thing with a 10-foot pole.

I'm sure you have to read many boring mails, but this one is not one of them. So please don't hit D---Hey, wait! Leave that key alone! What are you doing? Stop! Please! AHHHHH!!!

?

Oh, it was Page Down. You got me there for a minute--from this angle it's kind of hard to see. (Jeez, you would have thought that <the master> has enough money to buy you decent a monitor. What is this, a fourteen incher? What a cheap-o.)

Ok, back to the point: I want to be a great copywriter, nay, the ultimatest-mega-talented-greatest-copywriter that ever was, is, or will be. And I thought to myself: "David, how can you become the ultimatest-mega-yadda-yadda-yadda that ever was, is, or will be?" And it suddenly hit me, "I know! By asking a great copywriter to take me as an apprentice!" I was so happy with this thought that I did the extra-fast 210 bpm version of my dance of happiness, which unfortunately caused a massive thunderstorm immediately afterwards, so I may have mistaken it with my 210 bpm "We have a freaking drought, get some water over here!" rain dance version. But I diggress.

Armed with my self-congratulatory thoughts, I went to Marvin, my über-cool copywriting friend, and I asked him "Hey, Marv, care to have an apprentice working with you?" But he said "No, I don't". That's when I decided to ask <the master> instead.

And this is where you come in. You see, I have a problem. I can't find <the master>'s e-mail. I'm guessing that this is happening for one of two reasons: either 1) I'm blind as a bat and I wouldn't see <the master's first name>'s mail even if it hit me between the eyes or 2) it actually isn't there. And so I'm writing this to you, in the hopes of enlisting your super sneaky email-forwarding-to-<the-master> abilities. It's a sample salesletter that I hope will give him a lot of laughs... uhmm, some laughs... ok, maybe it will make him grin. I'm hoping that you will like to read it too. It's a request for an apprenticeship disguised as a satire on internet age salesletters.

I don't know who you are. I don't know your name, or even if you are male of female, but I'll do this: If you forward the salesletter to <the master>, and then tell me your name and your address, I'll send you a postcard with a typical Portuguese landscape covered with thank you's. Ok, 2 postcards. I mean it.

If you won't forward this, can you please tell me that you didn't, so I can stop trembling in anticipation and start looking for another way to make this reach him? (Did I just say that out loud? I meant "start looking for another copywriting master." Yes, that's what you read.)

Oh, and before that, if you do forward this, would you mind erasing that part where I call <the master> a cheap-o? And this phrase, too. (Man, I hope he isn't the one reading this.)

Thank you very much for your time and patience. I'll be eternally grateful.

The <the master> please-take-me-as-an-apprentice-pretty-pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top Salesletter follows:

<The salesletter above>

P. P. S. <the master>, I'm serious about this. I have no idea if you are willing to do it, of if your schedule allows it, but if you take me, I'll grab the opportunity with teeth and nails.

Cheers, and thanks for reading,

Now, it's time to sit back, relax, and wait for a reply that will never come.

By the way, Michel Fortin would have been my first choice, but I didn't even think about asking him. I'm just putting this here for him to know, if he ever gets to read this, that I think he'd be the best teacher, and that he would actually be first choice.

However, this master is my second favorite and seems to be a very nice guy.