Hi all,

Would like to hear your opinions and critiques of this headline:

Could Your Marketing (or Lack of it) Be Costing You a Fortune in Lost Business and Missed Opportunites Running into Thousands of Pounds per Year?

I'm not going to tell you what I'm marketing or who I'm marketing it to just yet - not because it's a secret, but simply because I don't want to bias opinion.

What (if anything) does this say to you?

Who do you think it's targeted at?

I'm angling at the fear of loss, and asking a question to get people imagining.

By the way, those of you that don't like questions in headlines - why not?

OK, let's try another one:

Research Suggests that Small Consulting and Service Business are Losing Money Week in and Week Out Because They Fail in One Key Area

Thoughts? Give it to me with both barrels - this is totally embryonic and I know it sucks right now.

Jane

IMHO, both are too wordy. The first is a show stopper because it asks a question that can easily be answered, "No."

Neither of these draw me into the copy. The first objective of a headline is to persuade you to read the lead paragraph.

The second headline seems to have the most potential for a successful rewrite.

HTH

It's telling me that I am missing a piece of the puzzle that may be causing me to lose money as a business owner.

I think you are targeting business owners that don't have the time or knowledge to do their own marketing campaigns.

Jane, I do like question headlines (ie - Do you make these mistakes in English).

I also like the second one you have because it has curiosity built in.

Perhaps you can somehow combine the two:


Perhaps it might be too insulting so you could try:


I know it's hard to do this without knowing exactly what you have in mind, but it's a start.

Jane,

I think this version, proposed by primoquest, is better than your version:

Do You Make This One Critical
Mistake In Marketing Your Business?

Those who are losing money because they are not marketing already know this is the case and they are not going to start suddenly spending money on marketing because you educate them - at least not without a lot of handholding. Those who are spending money badly on marketing are a better target to aim at.

Hope this is helpful, and good luck.

Marcia Yudkin

The vagueness of setting is disconcerting.

Knowing the media type would help dictate length and style parameters, knowing the target country would help in the language used.

That said, I found your originals wordy, but both generated curiosity.
The fear factor was pointedly money - a little change may introduce embarrassment, and maybe pride into the equation.

Hi Jane,

Both Stephen’s and Trevor’s headlines are great readership sells. I like them both.

I do think you can strengthen your “missing ingredient of success” strategy by tying a specific example into the headline, or deck copy. For instance,






Obviously, this approach only works IF you have a particularly strong testimonial/case study.

Technical considerations: Conditioning terms like “could”, “should”, “may” all weaken headlines. These “conditioners” have their place in copy – to soften potential negatives for instance – but I feel should be avoided in headlines.

Re: Question Headlines: A yes/no question allows the prospect to say “no” and stop reading. Because the headline’s primary purpose is to sell the reader on reading the ad, I tend to avoid them.

You’ll notice I’m sure, Stephen’s classic swipe is NOT a yes/no question. Rather it is a “pointing” question. It works so well because readers are drawn into the copy to see what “this mistake” is. It doesn’t matter if they are making it or not – they’ll want to see what you’re referring to -- even if it’s only for the satisfaction of knowing they are not making the mistake.

Hope that’s in some way helpful.
Cheers!

John

I got my start in this business at age 10 in my Mom's boutique marketing consultancy, so I know for a fact that what Marcia said is right on the money.

Businesspeople who don't actively promote themselves are either unable or unwilling to do so, and trying to convince them to change their ways is an excercise in futility.

A better angle might be targeting those that are spending tons of money and wasting hours of time at pointless networking events with nothing to show for it. Perhaps a variation of Dan Kennedy's "Stop Being An Advertising Victim!" approach, but with a tone more suited to independent professionals on your side of the pond.

---Lowell Stearn

I've got to say I like primoquest's headline

"Do You Make This One Critical
Mistake In Marketing Your Business?"

Of course you could say

"Do You Make These 7 Critical Mistakes in Marketing Your Business?"

The reason? - Making one mistake is bad enough - but making 7 (or whatever number) would be catastrophic.

I would always put the headline in inverted commas.

Steve

I will agree that using a higher number is always better. I was just grabbing the idea of using a singular, because of her number two headline... "They Fail In One Key Area".

I was just trying to combine her #1 and #2 headlines.

Good point Steve.

Here's a few...

Attention Small Business Owners…

Are You Making Any Of These Money-Losing Mistakes In Your Business?

or

Attention Small Business Owners…

Are You Guilty Of Committing Any Of These 7 Revenue-Killing Mistakes In Your Business?

or

The Little Mistake That Cost A Small Business Owner Millions Of Dollars A Year In Lost Revenue…

Are You Unknowing Committing The Same Mistake In Your Business?

The key (as you know) is testing.

I cannot tell you the number of times I've written what I thought to be a brilliant headline, only to have it beat by another one I considered to be just so-so.

Gary