Hey everyone,

I first wrote this over a year ago. Since then, I've rewritten the body copy, some subheads, changed a few things about it visually, and placed in a whole new headline.

It's a 6-page lead-generating letter that my client is sending to local brides-to-be here in Los Angeles, average age 25-35, who've used Mary Kay products before.

Six pages...think that's too long for a lead-generating letter?

Sigh...okay, let me have it...Here's the link:
http://samples.homestead.com/home.html



--Kit

Hi Kit,

Awesome copy, I love it.

Very personal, one-on-one copywriting style that must really relate to your target audience. I agree that one or two visuals would do even more for it.

I couldn't find much to comment on but here's some things that caught my attention:

"I'm Irma Webb, a Makeover Professional & Independent Beauty
Consultant for Mary Kay, Inc... etc"

Your introduction is timed well I think but maybe you can be a bit more specific. You could say exactly how many brides you've helped look wonderful and feel like a million dollars on their big day. I'm not the best to describe how a woman would feel if everything went perfectly but I'm sure you can bring that alive.

Secondly, the testimonials are gold. Great material. But they're a bit small - you would probably do well to make it stand out a bit more. A larger font and putting it in a johson box (box with a light pink background color for instance) would do the job in my opinion.

Other than that, I wasn't completely sure about your header & opening. On the one hand it's very powerful because that truly is a big fear for brides-to-be I think but on the other hand I've personally have had bad experiences with headers that open with a negative statement. A fear, nightmare occurrence, etc. Maybe you could open with a promise?

"Give me One Afternoon and I'll Give You Confidence, Stunning Beauty and Worry-Free Wedding Plans with a Professional Makeover - For Free and Weeks in Advance!"

It's not perfect but it could be an idea for a split test - One half with a positive opening and one half with your current one.

Other than that, this letter is an awesome example of personal one on one selling. I totally loved your honest "appointments are limited" close, the part where you visualize the outcome (Just picture it...As you're walking down the aisle.. etc) and the nicely looking response card. Awesome.

Best of luck with it!
-Erik.

Kit,

Great copy... and Eric... great tips...

I agree with Eric on the suggestions, I would test a positive headline (with a negative sub-head perhaps).

I also agree on the testimonials needing to be more prominent.

One thing that put questions in my mind while reading this was the fact that one testimonial was from NY all the others California, and I thought to myself, wow this person commutes! It sent off minor alarms... you might want to explain this (I imagine that Irma lived in NY for awhile?)...

Best of luck,

Tim

Erik and Tim,

Thanks for your great comments and suggestions--I'm printing out everything and placing it into a notebook along with the copy, so I can work on the letter some more. I appreciate it all.

Tim, about the testimonials...they're all local, in California. Woodland Hills was the furthest drive out of all of them. Manhattan Beach is a city here in California, a coastal community that's right next to El Segundo.

Thanks again, guys.

And to think I was born and raised in California! I think I've even been to Manhattan Beach! Here's a new ebook headline I think I'll be working on...

The unbelievable dangers of speed reading revealed...

How One Speed Reader Innocently Mistook Manhattan N.Y. With Manhattan Beach, Ca., Expecting Thousands Of Grueling Miles In A Wrong-Way Commute... All For A FREE Mary Kay Make-Over!

How does your friend identify local brides to be?

Thanks
Jonathan Page

Jonathan,

It's from a combination of things...whenever she has her standard Mary Kay Parties, she has the participants fill out a short questionnaire, and one of the questions asks whether or not they are getting married or if they know of someone who's getting married. If they know someone who's getting married, Irma follows up with a phone call and makes sure that they've asked permission of their friends, so that she can send them the free pre-wedding day makeover offer.

Irma is also good friends with an excellent hairdresser here in Los Angeles, and she posts Irma's flyer in her shop where her customers can see.

I think Irma has also been to a couple of bridal expos, where she'll pass out her business card or short postcards that mention the offer to women walking around...she also sells Partylite Candle Products, and although she doesn't directly promote Mary Kay products at a Partylite affair (wouldn't be right), she does get women to fill out the questionnaire there also, because women getting married soon is also a great market for candles.

Basically her lists up to now have come from lots of word of mouth, networking and passing her information out...I've been searching for local beauty or fashion publications where she could possibly place small classified ads. There are also a couple of wedding planners that she may join forces with in the future.

And there you have it, so far.

Hi Kit,

I'm just thinking out loud here, but would it be an idea for Irma to do a Joint Venture with a wedding dress shop and allow them to give out her special for free with each purchase?

It's a pretty cool extra for the shop, and the leads for Irma would be amazing - highly targeted. Maybe a bit of tweaking to the letter to customize the offer as a "wedding dress extra" is needed, but not much.

Just one idea off the top of my head. Maybe also consider shops that sell wedding invitations, wedding cakes, etc. That takes the time investment of promoting it herself off her hands... And she really has a great offer - with the right Joint venture I'm sure she'll have more customers than she can take care of in no time.

Erik, your ideas are great...it's the direction she's headed in, trying to partner up with the wedding planners. Your wedding dress shop idea is especially good, because it's here that the bride is specifically concentrating on how she's going to look that day, and I'm sure a free makeover would be something she'd definitely consider.

Your point about this removing some of the time investment of promoting it herself is a good one, because with Irma juggling selling Partylite and the Mary Kay makeovers, she's going to need it. For the Mary Kay makeovers, her business picks up more in the spring/summer months, so at least she's not completely overloaded with more business than she can handle.

Although plenty of business is not such a bad thing.

Great ideas Erik!!

The point here, Kit, is that the JV partners (eg wedding dress shops) are getting a bonus to add to their offer which may increase their own business - so everyone wins, and the JV partners are motivated to push the offer.

Jane