Could you please critique this squeeze page?

I don't have the autoresponder setup, yet...but once I do, it'll be a report to sell them an online ordering software where customers can place their take-out orders online:

Take-Out Profits - Restaurant Owner

thanks.
Cartess

I don't know if the headline grabs me.

I see where you are going... but you're going to polarize the crowd by percieved issue of morality. I don't know the crowd well enough... but I don't think I'd approach it that way.

Maybe if you're in love with that as your hook you could try:

"I swear under oath these secret tactics for skyrocketing revenue on each customer served are not illeagal or immoral."

Plus, I don't like question headlines as a rule (some exceptions of course...)

Next... you don't tease me about the information and what it will do for my business. Try out a few bullets to entice me.

Fix these and I think your opt-in will skyrocket.

Cheers,

Mike

Hi Cartess,

I'm wary of yes/no headlines (after some advice from a mentor). People read them, say "yes" or "no" and don't read much more.

Also, the headline didn't really 'flow' for me. I had to re-read it.

So, I'd stick with the "FREE Report Reveals..." It may sound old-hat and overused to us as copywriters, but your target market will be more receptive to the free report than a yes/no headline.



Remember, I'm only a beginner myself, but here are my ideas (I like your exisiting subhead in red on your page):

FREE Report Reveals the Closely Guarded Secrets of a Restaurant Owner Who Made Over $750,000 in 2 Days...
Tactics so powerful, customers don't realize we're taking money right out of their pockets!

I'd also give the title of the report... hopefully it's a title that arouses curiosity. "Confessions of a..." or "How Mr X Made $750,000 in 2 Days....."

hmmm...Great suggestions, I'm going back to rework.

This software will basically allow customers to place their order online and specify the time they want to pick-up...

The software will up-sell other food items to the customer. It'll also store a history of the customers order and automatically email out special offers based on what they ordered, based on how often they order....

This will help the store by cutting down on telephone orders (tying up employees on the phone...most employees don't upsell, but the software will do that).

Customers just walk-in to pick up their order and won't have to wait for the food to be cooked...

that's the jist of the program. Just got account with Outbacks (50 stores), so this could be huge for other restaurant owners.

In this particular setup, I decided not to put much content (bullets) hoping the headline and subhead would create a lot of curiousity for those restaurant owners who want to know what others are doing to generate all this 'money'.

Cartess

If You Don't Read The Powerful, Secret Information In This FREE Report, You Might As Well Empty Out Your Pockets Right Now And Throw your Money Right Into The Trash!

This is off the top of my head, but do you see where I'm coming from, Cartess?

I normally don't like long headlines, but they do have their place, sometimes.

Dale King

Great headline Dale!

My only concern is that this headline doesn't talk to the restaurant owner? I may be wrong, but let me know.

Thanks for posting!

Cartess

Hey, Cartess. It does and it doesn't. It's an analogical headline.

Let me explain. Forget the fact that you're talking to restaurant owners. Focus on the fact you're talking to "people" who just happen to own restaurants.

Now you tell me, what "person" can't relate to the analogy of "throwing away money?" see where I'm coming from?

However, you could also do it this way, which is more directly targeted...


Attention Restaurant Owners...
If You Don't Read The Powerful, Secret Information In This FREE Report, You Might As Well Empty Out Your Pockets Right Now And Throw your Money Right Into The Trash!

Keep in mind, I'm just tossing out ideas off the top of my head, but make no mistake, I think that headline would be very effective.

Like I said, everyone can relate to the analogy of "throwing away money!

Dale King

Now I understand what you're saying. Thanks for the clarification. That makes sense.

I just updated the page before reading your post, here is the newer version:

Take-Out Profits - Restaurant Owner

Cartess

Hi Cartess,

Maybe add a restaurant twist to a "boatload of money." That's just a tired cliche, which people don't process. Change "boat" to a something specific to the restaurant industry and you'll not only get their attention, but generate more resonance.

Some quick ideas as substitutes for boat:

- walk-in freezer

- dair truck

- mixing bowl

- wine cellar

I'd just brainstorm like that for a few mintues, and I'll be you'll come up with something more powerful.

"A few simple changes" is too vague for me. You'd lose me by then, I need some glimpse of something real unique that your offering (yet, yes, keep it simple).

Needs a picture. It will make it more personal. Make it written from someone - preferably a restaurant owner.

Line feed in between the bullets. More white space

More margin space.

Good luck,

John

MEGAheadlines?. . .we don't need NO stinkin' MEGAheadlines. . .