Hello,

I released my new internet marketing site yesterday and im getting huge traffic towards it.My oto though isnt converting aswell as it should be.

Would be great if someone critiqued it,would be even better if someone could provide a full review or edit.

Currently im broke but If someone can improve the conversion rate i would pay the person as i would start to make good money as the traffic to the site is so good.

let me kno what ye think

www.improfitsonline.com/oto1.html

Hi,

so here is my modest vision please believe in my respect and my sympathy.

I saw the page and here are my observation :

1)Too much:

the sales letters appear perfect and this what make it unbeleavebale, Example:

the cumul of the bonus and the price of your product.

2) Try to make the Order form in the begining .(2order form is it possible?).

the headline dosn't push, it is plane it is a quiet headline, a kind one.

contradiction between the red bolded underlined, and the blue bolded underlined.

hope that this help.

Thanks for your views.

Firstly i dont quite understand what you mean by
"the cumul of the bonus and the price of your product". how do you mean the saleletters appear to be perfect.

secondly,personally i havnt seen an order form at the start of a salepage,do you mean more like an order link. would a order form too close to the top discourage people.

Can anyone come up with a decent headline for me,i think your right the headline isnt good and this is most important.

sorry I wasn't about bonus or gift; but abouty the detail of your offer :

from $1,927 to $197.

yes the salesletters appear to be perfect in :
1)design.
2)gif and picture.

2) regarding the order form:

reader have to read all the stuf...in order to go in action, and sometime as cartoonman says some word make them turn out.

I havn't see 2 order form in a salesletter too..(Edited)


urge the order, because the price is good, the traffic is good the squeez page is good so urge that d.... order and don't wait.

Hope that help.

Edited: As you said link will be better.

(this is my modest vision ), hope that help.

Thanks,

Ive taken some of your advice,come up with a new headline and have a second order button stright after the product description.

http://www.improfitsonline.com/oto1.html

they can't order at the first , because they don't know the price of the package.

Think about many link to the order section (this is my vision but I may be wrong), no way hope that it help.

would really like to hear some other ideas on my oto.

David,

Your biggest problem: there's nothing unique about what you're selling.

Your story sounds the same as a lot of stories I've read.

"Everything you need to succeed online" is too generic. Besides, I don't believe you. Everything? Really?

What makes your course unique? How do you state that uniqueness in a way that gets and keeps attention?

If you'd like to dramatically raise your conversions, you'll need to answer these positioning questions. A few "phrase tweaks" here and there won't give you the boost you want.

Hope this helps...

Ryan

There isn't much new here. The product is broken down into the parts, but I don't see enough work on explaining how easy it is to make the parts work together.

So you need to stress why it's different. Also somehow when I read it the distinct impression of scraping software came across. Scrapers are going to turn off bloggers. Mostly bloggers hate the guts of scrapers. Blogging seems like too much work for someone into automatic content extractors. If this is is the same impression the customers get, it would indicate two different focusses, again underscoring a box o' stuff approach.

My personal preference is not for "hide-and-seek" copywriting, as common as this approach is. It doesn't get me invovled or interested. (Don't get me wrong -- I am not anti-sales -- I did face-to-face direct sales)

I don't think the letter is so terrible, just common. The testimonials are the only thing giving the letter what Eugene Schwartz called "belief structure." And as you can imagine, if I felt compelled to outline the proper structuring of the JV offer in the other thread -- and the product has a JV how-to in it -- it does not bode well. There's no way this isn't going to "leak out" even by playing hide-and-seek in the copy.

Read: How to Build Value With Belief Structure.

You could try How to Discover the "Selling Story" Buried in Your Business.