Hi folks,

I've just finished writing the first draft of my sales page for a new quit smoking product that I've been working on but I really don't know how to write copy so I need some expert opinions on it.

Could you guy's give it a look over and let me know what you think please?

Here's the link:
Finally, get what you need to give up smoking, forever....

One thing I'm pretty sure about is that it isn't long enough (not enough details) but I don't know what else to put in it.

So, what do you think, will it make sales?

Thanks,
Niall

"What that make you feel good?" Should read "Would that" Order button link is broken.

Well it is a fairly basic sales letter. You may want to introduce subheads and testimonials. The chief problem is convincing others that what worked with you will work for anyone else. Another concern is weight gain. And if the method is safe or doctor recomended.

If someone has tried an approved, credentialed offer with loads of testimonials and failed -- why should they try yours? Underscoring this is your unrelenting use of the word "I," "me" and so on. Unfortunately for the strength of the copy, that's right. It's about you, and you are your only success story, and no independent third party can verify that 1) you quit 2) you ever smoked.

Keep in mind people may see three, five or more sites before and after yours. Chances are most of the visitors have a good idea of your competition, and a far better idea of how the competitive product works. You're going to have to develop a reason why what you do is different -- a USP. Keep in mind "because it worked for me" is not a selling proposition.

And there has to be belief structure.

Let's say we have a diet product with a similar problem. The basic pitch would be "After studying 627 weight loss plans, we found your blood type determines which weight loss plan has the best chance of working for each individual. This was why the average person tries 4 plans before finally succeeding. If you know (or can find out) what your blood type is, you have the secret why all the weight loss products you tried didn't work. We worked with a team of doctors and dieticians to develop a different weight loss program which works with your blood chemistry."

Of course one of your bonuses is an instant blood type test kit.

Okay this has what's call belief structure or "reason why copy." Nothing is given away, but the reader has been given the information they need to make a decision. Even many copywriters take a good long while to fully understand this idea.

Hi,

so here is my vision as a reader (and a someone who smoke).
please believe in my respect and my sympathy.

person who smoke will never give a look to thier problem if they arn't choked and the doctor tell them "Hey you, you have to stop that or to die".or "you are going to die", "or you have 90% of probabilty to get a cancer in 2 years" etc..

they have to feel thier lifes in a risque, they have to see thier that this is nonreturn way, a non other solution a non compromise solution.
something like :"Take it Or Die".

and people arn't to quite cigarette thier "lovely pain holder", "thier luxurious after diner", thier proof of "How I am Adult and independent to smoke", if you don't proof them by picture and statistic that they have less chance then other "to live the next Thanksgiving".

some time we have to chok he reader, to make a big noise to provocate to make him think about.

now the period of 30 days, believe me no one is to buy in this every smoker is a smoking quitter , they used all the method, they tried by thier own reciept, they tried thier friend reciept, they tried thier old mom reciept end to nicotab, to hypnosis, to other alternative healing method and never quite, and even they quite a year or two they go again in smoking, smoking is a dependency and some are to give in "Tobbaco dependency".however you quite they can go in a second "Last day, Last cigarette".

3 kind of problem :

1)healthy.

you can't run after your kids, you can follow this beatifull lady in here jogging, you will never stop the thief who stolen the handbag of your wife, you are impuissant, you are going to die, you will not see the wedding of your dautgher.

2)psycological.

it is a dependancy, you arn't free, your mood is regulated by cigarette, you are nervous, last time you was furious against your wife and your kids and this make you having remorse (you arn't like that at 20), you want to stop but you can't.

3)social.
this party is for a nonsmoker, the lady that you are approaching dislike the nosiating smell of cigarette, all your friend are dancing and you are here lonezy to smoke like a renigat you damned cigarette,"sorry Mr we don't no smoking in our establishement","sorry Mr would you stop smoking".

daily life problem.

hope that it help.

Hey guy's,

Thanks a lot for your advice, I have a few questions:

1) How would I get testimonials for this product (I would have to find the people and then also wait thirty days if they were willing to give a testimonial)

2) Would I need to have health care experts look over the product before I can legally sell it?

Ok so, I should be using less of "I" and "me" words and trying to get through to the reader that "they" can quit smoking?

And I should be trying to get the message across strongly that the reader can be caused serious harm by NOT quitting?

Any more thoughts on this?

Thanks, as you can see I'm not a copywriter but I have to do it if I want to make sales.

Niall

1) That would be one way.

2) I don't know -- wouldn't be a bad idea though. Having professionals go on record about your product does build credibility.

More thoughts would be to hire a copywriter. You have a fairly unremarkable product with no practical way to differentiate it or make the copy persuasive, pretty much no matter what claims you make. You don't appear to have studied the market or targeted a niche. Get somebody interested in studying the product and finding a USP to build copy around.

Read:
How to build value with Belief Structure

How to find the "Selling Story" buried in your business

Diagnose and Cure Marketing Myopia for Fun and Profit

Hey guy's,

Ok I did a nearly complte rewrite of the page and I tried to include some of the things you guy's suggested such as using less "i" and "me" and make it more for the reader, trying to be scarier and get the message of smoking kills across, etc.

Please check it out and let me know if it is any good...

Quit smoking...forever!

BTW, the graphic is just a private label cover I picked up and will not be the graphic used for this page.

Thanks a lot,
Niall

My friend these line make me in trouble;

patch, gum are nicotine substitute and have some scientific proof, so what your method have as argument to say this?

Easly.! (I tried to do and believe me nothing is easy, and people arn't to buy in easy) , people who tried to stop smoking have symptom like :

1)lake of concentration.
2)beeing nervous.
3)beeing furious.
4)sometime anxious and depression come too.
5)asocial (be lonely).

and some have some health trouble too.

it isn't easy.

30 days or less!

avoid time periode, in the copy this is (my humble) vision, and words.

please believe in my respect and my sympathy and hope that help.