First up… my sincere thanks to the regulars on this forum who make life a little easier for a beginner like me!

Here goes... I'd need some serious critiques for this lead-gen flyer/ad that I’ve written for a mortgage broker. I'm not afraid of harsh comments... so go for it.

The Ad:
27th September - EDIT -
Had to remove the links for client confidentiality... if you really want to see the ad, PM me and I'll be happy to share.

Limitations:
-A5 - no colour
-Client wants to target all sorts of mortgage business with the one flyer(re-fi, new loans, etc.)
-saturation mail-out to all homes in their postcode (they don’t want to pay for a targeted list)
-Client does not want to pay for a 1800 number
-Client does not want to post free reports to every caller (the free book will be gifted at the first meeting)

Other Info:
-client says the target postcode is low socio-economic profile… unlikely to be on the internet
-current loans come mainly from first home buyers
-I will be telling the client to print the ad – black text on yellow page – Dan Kennedy style.

So - got any ideas for maximising response on this ad?

Many thanks!

Hi,

so here is my modest vision , please believe in my respect and my sympathy:

1) the design of the flyer :

1-1)big headline (2colums) and then the picture on the right side.

I am realy intrigued by the necessity of the Picture, and even if you have to make a picture (let suppose that the client ask for that) then I think that the LEFT side will be greater.

1-2) 3Column

the nature of the offer dictate this structure , what that mean?
it mean just that the client offer isn't clear, a try to sell 2-3 thing on one proposition, without making it as a PACKAGE.

1-3)the whole flyer is too BUSY there is no space no white space, space is use to a maximum ROI (in a try of making the more text in short space) and this make confusion, and make eyes tiered.

1-4)the Gift Side (bonus side):
it is realy a Big Space for a Bonus, why not using a reduced space with smalest font size, in order to incite curiosity to push the reader to reader to reader.(something like a bottom right corner of a yellow page ads).
and the border of the bonus space a dotted one make isn't appropriete it create some trouble on the rest of Text, fine line border is perhaps better.

2)the Copy:

2-1) the headline:

a variante of "Are you making this mistake in english", but here what dosn't catch me is the precision of 3 Financial Mistake, the headline sound as like your costumer arn't regular people but , people in Buss, company owner etc..

the targeted people are perhaps, worker daily workers, and then let try to see who will be the first to read such flyer? (May be hosewive).

2-2)the subheadline (Mistakes in an interrogative form!!)

too many underline, and some underline are bolded (I want realy to know how do you make these bloded line ).

the concept: if they are mistake so no need to ask, just make affirmation .

2-3)the folowing subheadline bolded too.

the whole text is in black, and too many bold and (Italic Bold!) and many underline.

this is my vision hope that it help.

PS: this is my humble vision as a reader, and hope to read the vision of an Expert like MrSubtile.

Abdellah, thank you for taking time to write your ideas. I have printed out your post and will review all of the points in-depth.
I will definitely remove the underlines... I can see there are too many. I'm addicted to underlines (and ellipses ... )
I'm intrigued about your comments on white space and the dotted-border around the offer... everything I study says to pack lots of info and to use a dotted border for a 'coupon' style appearance. I wonder what anybody else says - especially if anyone has real-world results from similar mail-out flyers.

Overall I think your "flyer" looks pretty good. I'd remove the bullet in front of the first testimonial and I'd remove the bullet and "a happy home owner story" in the second testimonial.

I'm in agreement with my buddy above and I'd try to cut down on a lot of the underlining. (I'd leave the underlining in the coupon where you say. . ."Hurry! Call now...")

I would eliminate all italics in the body copy accept for the testimonials.

I would not change "now you can't do that on your own" to a sans serif (helvetica/arial) font and would leave it as serif (times). (It's ok to bold that line.)

I would center the paragraph headings: "In a tough situation" and "it is really easy and you don't even have to change banks."

I'm not familiar with the AU postal system, but here in the states your "flyer" would play well in a postcard format. The normal postcard rate is .24 cents, but when you do high density saturation mailings (like you're doing) the rate drops to 12 cents each.

Thanks Mr Subtle. I agree with you and have updated the ad. I can't say how much it helps to have others' opinions - thank you both!

I'm still going to use the three-columns… I think that's a good way to address the three ‘markets’ in one go – which is what my client has asked me to do – kind of like 3 mini ads in one. Only very minor changes overall... but here is the update:
(edit : link removed for client confidentiality. PM me if you'd like details.)

• Still deciding whether or not to remove the photo.
• I’ve cut back on underline and bolding - I think it looks much better now!
• 3 Mistakes Subheads have been changed from Questions to Statements (Do you think that reduces the power of the subheads? I feel that it does. I might change it back... I’m always happy to sacrifice grammar for response!)
• The ‘mention voucher A’ text has been added so I can Key the ad. I plan to tell the client to test first this time! Will test 2000 (1000 with headline A and 1000 with headline B).
• I've slightly reworded body copy in an attempt to include 'reasons why'. That's after reading Michel Fortin's article at Three Tips For Magnetizing Your Copy

Here are my ideas for possible headlines to include in the first test (#5 and #6 are growing on me.) As abdellah said, maybe 'financial' is not the best word to use in the headline... but just because the area may be lower-class, doesn't mean they have low IQ! I think I'd like to make 'financial' vs 'money' part of the split test.

1. “Are YOU Making These 3 Mistakes with Your Money?”
2. “Are YOU Making These 3 Mistakes… and Losing Money”
3. “Do YOU Make These 3 Common Money Mistakes?”
4. “Do YOU Make These 3 Common Financial Mistakes?”
5. “Do YOU Suffer From These 3 Common Money Problems?”
6. “Are These 3 Common Money Problems Hurting Your Lifestyle?”

Can anyone comment from experience about how response rates change when printed black-on-yellow vs white paper?

Hi Shona

I don't like the way you emphasise YOU in the mistake headings. It doesn't really serve a purpose - it puts the emphasis in the wrong place - and it blocks the flow. I'd use "You're..." and I think statements vs. questions is fine - but may be something to test.

I would use italics (not caps) for the YOU in the headline - my personal perference - again, I think it flows better, and it's not shouting.

I would be wary of the "You can buy your own home right now... regardless of your financial situation" statement. It's not true. I would find another way to say it.

Let us know how it works out.

Janet

Wow!

It's amazing how much better that flier looks without the underlines and with the extra removal of bullets near the testimonials.

It gives it a neater appearance and makes it much easier to read. I would not have thought much about it until you guys mentioned it.

I learned some valuable techniques from this "case-study" already.

Thanks!

Doesn't it ever! I'm really pleased with how it looks right now... thanks guys.

jd - I agree with you! I was taught to capitalise YOU by a mentor of mine (won't mention his name). I think I might change it after reading your post.

It just goes to show... everyone has their different techniques and not everyone will like everything. That's why we don't get 100% response rates!

I think I'm learning to trust my own instincts. It's hard to do that when YOU rely on theory (i.e. not much real experience with proven results) to back YOU up.

Questionnaire Color and Response Rates to Mailed Surveys

The authors conducted a randomized trial in Geneva, Switzerland, to assess whether response rates to a mailed survey could be increased by printing the questionnaire on green paper. The authors also conducted a meta-analysis of 10 experimental studies that tested the effect of colored questionnaires on response rates. The randomized trial showed no effect (relative risk of responding [RR] = 1.00). The meta-analysis showed that mailing questionnaires on pink paper increased response rates by 12% (RR = 1.12, 95% confidence interval = 1.01 to 1.25, p = 0.04). Other colors had no statistically significant effect (blue: RR = 1.03, p = 0.49; green: RR = 1.02, p = 0.23; yellow: RR = 0.96, p = 0.30). Over-all, using colored instead of white paper had no effect (RR = 1.02, p = 0.17). Thus, printing questionnaires on colored paper does not substantially increase response rates in surveys, except for pink paper.

Questionnaire Color and Response Rates to Mailed Surveys: A Randomizedtrial Anda Meta-Analysis -- Etter et al. 25 (2): 185 -- Evaluation & the Health Professions

Wow! Thanks for digging up that info Mr Subtle. I might even test my own letters (at least in part) on pink paper.