Hi Guys,

So with your input from my last post I have gone to work on my headline.

I have provided three sample ones. The first one has lots of keywords but I think is too long. The second one has the pre headline. In the last two, I tried to hit more hot spots.

I am not sure what and where I should capitalize. What and where to use quotes.

I am prepared to test each of them but would like to run it by your expertise first.

Right now, on average, about 85% of my visitors leave after 5 seconds and this needs to be improved. All of your feedback is priceless!

Thanks in advance
Vince

#1


(red bold) Discover How To Build 20-40 Pounds Of Hard Natural Muscle And How To Gain Weight Quickly - Without Steroids, Without 'Muscle-Friendly' Genes, Without Any Re-Hashed Program, Without Any Bogus Supplements And Without Surfing The Internet Ever Again...I Swear!

Learn How A Skinny 149 Pound Runner Becomes A Muscular 208 Pounds Gaining Almost 50 Pounds Of Granite Hard Muscle And Losing His Pot Belly In The Process - In Just 6 Short Months - While Using An Explosive Muscle Building Formula That The Bodybuilding Magazines and Websites Will Never Tell You...


In The Next 10 Minutes You Will Be Blown Away, Shocked And Maybe Even Disappointed To Learn There Is No Magic Formula, No Breakthrough Program Or Special Pill To Gain Weight And Build Muscle...If You Choose To Believe This, Then You Will Continue To Spin Your Wheels And Never Achieve The Body You Deserve.

If You Can Invest Just 3-4 Hours A Week To The Most Basic, StepBy-Step Muscle Building Program, I Can Promise That You Will Grow Massive Muscles And Learn How To Gain Weight By Training Smarter And Not Harder, While Laughing Back At The Fitness Industry That Has Stolen Your Money, Time And Pride For The Past 20 Years...


#2






(red bold) Who Else Wants To Discover How To Build A 'Stand-Out-In-The Crowd', Ripped and Muscular Body Without Drugs and Without Useless Supplements Guaranteed?


"In Fact, You're About To Discover Why You Should Avoid All Bodybuilding Programs and Magazines Like The Plague - And Instead Learn A New Set Of Rules That Skinny Guys Must Play By If You Wish To Ever Look Like Sombody Who Lifts Weights..."


"This System Is Perfect For Anyone Who Is Sick And Tired Of Being Scrawny - And I Could Care Less About Your Skinny Genetics, The Crap Supplements You've Wasted Money On And How You Look Right Now...



#3



(red bold) Who Else Wants To Discover how A Scrawny Long Distance Runner Screws The Bodybuilding Crap And Cracks The Muscle Building Code By Gaining Almost 50 Pounds Of Muscle Mass Naturally, Rapidly and Permanently!


"Now, with the sudden release of the most simple, step-by-step training system, you can turn your skinny toothpick frame into a super ripped, buff stud that makes you the 'go-to-guy' in your gym and makes the opposite sex stare in awe.."


"Even if you are the smallest guy in town...Even if you have never succeeded at building muscle before... Even if you have wasted money on uselss supplments...I could care less! Right here on this web page you've found the muscle building success system you've been looking for!

Personally, I would approach it from a different angle. I would appeal to ego and vanity and hormones. I would use a "sex appeal" headline with a picture of a muscular guy surrounded by admiring women!

Dale King

Thanks a million Dale. I will take that angle by adding a 'after' pic I have with my girlfriend to spin that angle.

What is every body else's takes on my headlines? I would love some more feedback before I start testing...Thanks in advance

Vince

All three are the usual yada-yada. Except for the fourth paragraph of 1 2 and 3.

Those make for unusual Headlines just by themselves.

If you want to catch a chunk of that traffic then you need a UNIQUE product.
85% is not unusual. If the problem is that your paying for it all then the solution is the same. Unique.

Focus on a system just for left handed people.
Or make it a system just for the left arm.
(you can admit that folks have been using it for both sides)

Find ONE person and write just for that guy.
Then you'll get the full attention of that segment.

57 words...That headline is ridiculously long!

Don't try to tell the whole story in your headline. That's what your copy is for.

Dale King

Oh man!

Don't let Mr Subtle see this thread...

He'll be givin' birth to a cow over this one!

oh flip! now i'm confused...i'm going to throw this one up in a day or two and see what happens. Just like I teach my clients...'learn by doing, not by talking about it.'

In the meantime...any more feedback is welcome. I just signed up for Michaels membership club so I will be reading ALL weekend on copy!


"Who Else Wants To Stand-Out-In-The-Crowd And Get Jacked By Packing On 20..30 and even 40 Pounds Of Lean, Ripped Muscle Mass In Record Time - While Laughing Back At The Bodybuilding Industry That Has Stolen Your Money, Time And Pride For The Past 20 Years..."

This weight gain and muscle building system is perfect for anyone who is sick and tired of being scrawny - and I could care less about your skinny genetics, the crap supplements you've been scammed on and how you look right now...

Even if you are the smallest guy in town...Even if you have never succeeded at making yourself look like somone who works out...Even if you have tried every other rehashed weight training program on the internet...ask me if I care?! Right here on this web page you've found the step-by-step muscle building success system you've been looking for!

BEFORE-AFTER PICS OF ME

Actual photos of 'Skinny Vinny' before and After Six Months. Here's your chance to discover how a former skinny guy cracks the muscle building code and gains almost 50 pounds of rock hard muscle in less than a year. Think I am full of B.S.? Read on...

Alright, I get the point. Headline is too long...so how many words is my guideline?