This is a letter to future brides to convince them to sign up for a pole party for their bridal shower instead of the mundane stuff they might do otherwise. I'm writing it for a friend and I'd like some feedback. Thanks!

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Make your bridal shower party… unforgettable!

Dear Bride-To-Be…

Do you want your bridal shower or bachelorette party to be fun? Exciting? A totally new and different experience?

Let me make a suggestion… a Pole Dancing Party!

Does that sound crazy?

Perhaps. But imagine how much fun it would be… to get away from the boys… let your hair down… and celebrate with just the girls!

My pole parties are always filled cheering. Hooting. And Hollering! It’s crazy, off-the-wall fun! At many of the parties I hosted… the ladies couldn’t contain their laughter!

I promise you… the moment you and your girlfriends start swinging around on my pole Napoleon… any fears of embarrassment… uncertainty… or your opinion about your body will begin to… evaporate into thin air!

It’s unique! It’s sexy! It’s A Pole Lot of Fun!
You don’t have to be a professional dancer to enjoy the experience. Within minutes of setting up the pole… you and 8-10 of your girlfriends will be having the time of your life!

I’ll start everyone off with simple moves… and before you know it… you and your girlfriends will look and feel like pole dancers! And before the night’s over… you’ll even get to put on your own show! Your own grand finale!

It’ll truly be memorable and perfect night before your big day!

Give your future husband a special surprise!
Besides having a lot of fun, what else can you hope to gain by having a pole party?

Well, why not surprise your mate with some new tricks on your honeymoon?

After your session with me, you’ll learn to become more sensual, you’ll learn how to feel sexier, and you’ll learn how to move your body in ways… that will make him tremble.

Pole dancing is a safe and positive experience!
Feeling a little intimidated? Well don’t be! Pole dancing to be a safe and truly a positive experience.

Your pole party will be in the comfort of your own home – the most supportive pole dancing environment of all!

And I want to let you know that your privacy is guaranteed! I will never disclose what happens at my parties.

So relax… let go… and enjoy the amazing experience fully!

Everyone is raving about my pole parties!
I know I’ve told you my pole parties are an absolute blast! But don’t take my word for it! I want you to read what others have said!

“I recently went along to a pole dancing party with Larisa, admittedly feeling a little reserved and a tad bit anxious. I had no idea what to expect. Afterwards though, I felt so rejuvenated and full of life. It was a life-changing experience to get out of my shell!” – Janet

I had never tried such an original activity before! Pole dancing is dynamic, sensual and playful. The enthusiasm was wonderful! I've really enjoyed this experience. It was lots of fun spinning on the pole!" – Kerry

Thank you for a fantastic night! We all had such a great night! My best friend (the bride to be) was so thrilled. She is still calling me today to say thanks. You were sensational! You knew exactly how to open up everyone and make all the girls have a fantastic night. It was an experience we will never forget. All the best, thank you once again for a great pole dancing experience! – Tammy

So what are you waiting for? Give me a call right now at 519-791-7003 and sign-up for your bachelorette pole party today!

And if you call before September 9, I’ll give you a $20.00 discount! That’s my gift to you… because you’re getting married! Congratulations!

100% Money-Back Guarantee!
Signing up for one of my pole parties is risk-free with no financial obligation! If you are not absolutely thrilled with your pole party experience… I will return your money back in full!

That’s right! – No hassle. No questions. No fine print.

That’s my 100% money-back guarantee!

And that’s not all! If you aren’t fully happy with one of my parties… to demonstrate my commitment to you and my service… I’ll even give you $20!

So what do you have to lose?! Make your bridal shower or bachelorette party… unforgettable… And give me a call at 519-791-7003 to sign-up for your pole party today!

I look forward to hearing from you! I know we’ll have an unforgettable, fantastic girl’s night out!


Yours in fun,



Larisa Makuch,
A Pole Lot of Fun


P.S. Remember, if you call me at 519-791-7003 and sign-up for one of my pole parties before September 9, 2006… you’ll receive a $20 discount! So don’t hesitate and give me a call!

The letter is very well written. I would liven up the headline a little. For example:

A Fun, New Way To Make Your Bridal Shower Party… Unforgettable!

Also, instead of saying, "I'll even give you $20! Say, I'll even pay you $20! In my tests, I found the word "pay" to be a more effective semantic.

You should also bold or highlight your guarantee.

Hope this helps!

Dale King

Cool! Thanks for the response! I changed the headline and made a few grammar corrections. I actually had underlines, bolds, etc. but when I copied it from Microsoft Word, it obviously didn't copy the styling =)

Thanks again for taking a look at it. Much appreciated. I'm not really a copywriter professionally or anything, so I just wanted to be sure it was decent.

You're quite welcome!

Dale King

just curious. . .is this going to be a direct mail or internet sales letter?

I would move all three testimonials to the top of the page,
add at least one headshot
and pull a line from a testimonial and use it for a headline.

That's what I'd do.