How To Flaunt Your Copywriting Prowess...

tmillet · **How To Flaunt Your Copywriting Prowess... -** 09-04-2006, 12:07 AM

Just post an expert critique of this B2B Direct Mail piece!

Your expertise will be clear to anyone who searches your posts!

This is Step #1 in a 3-Step direct mail piece to CEO's, CFO's, and Controllers of medium sized businesses.

Some have requested the info, some haven't.

I've sold a lot of this face to face, but I'm trying to leverage my time and get off the streets. In my opinion, it's simple enough to market via direct mail.

Anyway, I know this is primarily a Web copy forum, but COPY is COPY!

So far I've only mailed out about 50 and have gotten 1 response so far. The other 2 steps haven't been mailed yet.

Critique Away!

(This isn't being viewed on the web, I just put up this site real quick to give you access to the text: Letter)

Tony M.

PS: Awesome Forum!

Ken Strong · 09-04-2006, 12:25 AM

Tony,

I actually read the letter all the way through, and my first impression is that it's very strong. Maybe other folks here will find some flaws to fix, but it read really well to me. Possibly you could move some of the testimonials closer to the top of the letter.

So if you're not happy with your response rate...one thing that comes to mind is: are you doing any kind of follow-up with any of these people after you mail it to them? Even if they requested it, maybe an email, or even better a phone call, might be the impetus they need to actually follow up on it. They may like the idea, but are just real busy and your letter gets put on a pile with a bunch of other things and they kind of forget about it.

Maybe others here will have better suggestions, though.

Ken S.

Zachary · 09-04-2006, 01:36 AM

Tony,

A couple things:

First, great job at trying to maximize your time with lead-generation pieces like this. I spoke to a salesman the other day, and he was absolutely clueless about the entire process. Thumbs up!

Second, you're making them work too much.

get them to respond to something "before" getting them to fill out the form and "sign" (btw, you should know better than to use that language... endorse maybe?)

Then you're asking them to send private information to someone they don't know. Maybe they've read that far, maybe you've got them worked up... then you stand like a catholic school crossing guard, with a big red sign that reads, "STOP!".

Make it easy. Get a date before you present the ring. Maybe send them to a recorded message that's congruent with the message. Maybe a site. Something that allows them to know more, and trust you more. Maybe a voicemail message done by voice broadcast. This could help the trust issue.

So, in essence, figure out a way to make it easier, than post it again.

Dale King · 09-04-2006, 07:21 AM

Tony:

In my opinion, that letter's just fine.

I do have a couple of suggestions to make, but neither of them have anything to do with the quality of your copy.

First of all, you spelled McGuire wrong. In your letter, you spelled it macGuire.

Second, I noticed you used initials only with some of your testimonials. Those didn't appear to be as legit to me, as the testimonials that included the persons full name.

Otherwise, like I said, I think the letter's just fine.

Dale King

tmillet · 09-04-2006, 10:37 AM

Thanks everyone for your responses so far...

Ken:
Yes, there will be follow up. This is step 1 out of a 3-step sequence (ala Dan Kennedy). So the primary mode of follow up is the letter, but I'll also be calling as time permits.

I'll also find a way to incorporate the testimonials sooner in the text.

Zachary:
You know, I've been debating about doing more of a lead generation piece vs. going straight for the sale. But I decided against it because I've already prequalified many of them through an initial telephone call.

We'll call in to the company, find out who the decision maker is, contact them, have a brief conversation to see if they qualify & would like more info. If they do, then we load them into the sequence.

So isn't that doing the same job as a lead generating piece?

I changed "sign" to "endorse". You're right about that.

I'm also adding a "FREE, 3-day, No-Risk, No-Obligation" Trial Offer to make it more enticing for them. Adding my photo to build trust.

Dale:
Looks like we both spelled it wrong...It's "M-a-g-u-i-r-e"

I TOTALLY agree with the initials on the testimonials. The company gave me those & I've been on them to get the full names.

Thanks all & more critiques are invited! Letter

Tony M

Dale King · 09-04-2006, 10:44 AM

You're quite welcome, Tony!

Dale King

Mr. Subtle · 11:01 AM

tmillet, the letter isn't bad. Here's some of what I'd do to tweak it a bit.

First of all, this is an offline direct mail B2B letter and not an internet info product letter. You need to dig out and study what an offline direct mail letter looks like. Most in here do online stuff so when they see a sales letter littered with speed bumps they think nothing of it. Offline direct mail pieces don't have these speed bumps.

I would take all the body copy and set it in courier. Make sure you keep the size of the body copy the SAME throughout the entire letter. Underline your paragraph subheads. Keep your underlining of body copy to a minimum.

Use a "yellow highlighter" SPARINGLY to emphasize the most important point on each page.

Consider using a handwritten "callout" in the margin emphasizing a key point. Use sparingly and make sure it's printed in blue ink. Mobile Auto Club had an extremely successful direct mail package where they had about 5 handwritten callouts (in red ink) on 3 of the 5 pages of their letter.

Your headline and deck copy of course will be set in a serif or sans serif font of your choice. Don't underline serif and sans serif fonts. The offline world follows rules of typography that have been in place for centuries. Only amateurs underline these fonts.

I would eliminate or tone down your attempts at being funny in your copy. For example I'd remove this:

"(Please stop…I’m hysterically rolling on the floor laughing and in danger of my stomach muscles cramping.)"

I would also remove the smiley face that preceeds it. There are no smiley faces in direct mail.

In the part where there will 8 things that you'll do for them. It sounds like some internet info bonus section with all the phony "value" prices. Who the heck is going to believe your quarterly newsletter sells for $99.00? Your credibility gets chipped away with statements like that and a red flag goes up in the mind of your potential customer.

Use actual numbers in your sample. Don't round them off. A $3000 and $5500 monthly electrical bill just doesn't sound real. $2897.61 and $5459.32 do sound real. The first numbers put up a subliminal red flag in your reader's head and the next two numbers build your credibility.

I would eliminate option 2 in the 3 options portion of the letter. Many business owners probably don't know the manual is available for FREE and will probably get it just to see if they can do it themselves.

What's the length of the contract? Is it 48 months? Longer? Shorter? The shorter the contract the higher the response rate is going to be.

Hopefully you guys have something to sell these guys on the backend since it looks like they will be your customers for at least a year or two.

Finally, change the part about calling in. You want them to call in. You want to talk to them. Don't make excuses that you're too busy. Biz people want to do biz with people they can talk to. Tell them to call you with any questions and you'll be happy to take the time and go over it with them.

(Pardon any spelling and grammatical errors. My morning coffee hasn't kicked in yet.)

Mr. Subtle · 09-04-2006, 12:19 PM

In regards to posting testimonials farther up in the letter. . .that's online advice. Most in here only do online stuff. There are a few who do offline and online stuff. Don't mix the two. Testimonials in offline letters are rarely included in the actual sales letter. They always had a separate sheet for those. Sometimes they'd enclose it in a white envelope and handwrite some copy on the outside of it to get people to open the envelope and read them.

Here's fancy testimonial insert from Nightingale Conant direct mail piece:

http://i1.tinypic.com/286twzb.jpg

Here's the first page of the sales letter (the testimonial page was behind the sales letter with the order form and order envelope):

http://i1.tinypic.com/286u3o4.jpg

You've got a decent sales letter. It will be read. It flows pretty good and will flow great with some tweaks. Don't interrupt the flow with a testimonial speed bumps throughout your sales letter. Think of your offline direct mail sales letter like driving the I-5 from Northern LA county to SF. Smooth sailing at 80 mph (plus). The internet sales letter is like driving on a NJ turnpike. . .your smooth sailing always being interrupted by a ton of toll booths (speed bumps).

(Pardon the terrible scans. I rushed them.)

Just remember you're putting together an offline direct mail piece and not an online sales letter. HUGE difference.

chocho · 08:48 PM

tmillet, it's not a bad letter. I think it could be improved a bit with a few tweaks:

Headline:
I'd add the "easy factor" to the headline, i.e. "...With No Risk, No Effort, and No Out Of Pocket Expense – GUARANTEED!"

Body copy:
Although your copy is pretty good, you could personalize it more, pump up the emotion, and use "beefier" language. If you're going with a "Freedom Fighter" Us vs Them theme, hammer it. Most importantly, pick a main approach for your letter (savings? David and Goliath? Insider secrets?) and stay "on message".

Your letter is also choppy in places, and it doesn't have to be.

Watch your transitions from thought to thought. If you read your letter out loud, you'll hear how the flow is abrupt and staccato in places.

Normally, when we speak to people, we use transitions such as, "You see...", "And", Now, ...", "But...", etc. Once you've read your letter out loud the first time, read it aloud again, but this time, read it as you would if you were actually saying this stuff to someone in person. Jot down your transitions, and you'll find that the flow of your copy improves instantly.

Now go over your copy with a fine-tooth comb and eliminate every word that's not pulling its weight. Words like "may", "should", "could" etc, are "weak sisters"

For example, if we added some of these changes to the following passage, we'd get something like this...(changes are in caps, since I don't know how to modify text in this program):

"Don’t assume that Dominion Power HAS to give you THEIR absolute best pricing FOR YOUR BUSINESS, BECAUSE Dominion Power is a NYSE-traded company. In other words… THEY PLEASE THEIR STOCKHOLDERS FIRST, AND YOU SECOND.

AND TO MAKE SURE THEY KEEP MORE THAN THEIR FAIR SHARE, they offer YOU MORE THAN 500 different RATES, COMPUTED BY A FORMULA SO CONVOLUTED...SO COMPLEX - NO ORDINARY BUSINESS WOULD EVER REALIZE WHEN THEY'RE BEING SWINDLED!

THE RESULT? 7 out of 10 businesses that spend more than $2,000/mo are being RIPPED OFF EVERY SINGLE DAY."

I'd also ditch the phony add-on values. What you're selling here is a valuable service, not an e-book. Your add-ons should reinforce the value of what you do for the client, not suggest a come-on. For example, your newsletter can be "my gift to you, so you can keep up with all the latest changes and information in this fast-paced and often confusing..." yadda, yadda.

Close:
What Mr. Subtle said. You're losing momentum here. Sizzle, not fizzle. Make 'em call you. Make it easy. Make it urgent. Make 'em have to do it NOW!!!

Here's what I mean: I'm a biz exec with a bunch of stuff to do. I get your letter. OK, I read it, I'm sorta interested in what you have to offer, but wait... what's this...? I have to stop what I'm doing to fill out a form. Then I have to go find old bills. Then I have put it all together with a cover sheet as a fax, and dial in, and wait for the fax to go through...and then I'm probably not going to hear from you until tomorrow or so? Aw sheesh...

Your letter goes into the "To Do" pile. Where it may get done...eventually...if I remember...in a couple of days...or weeks...or months...or...

Also, Mr. S is right about the testimonials. If you use them in the letter at all, use them sparingly and strategically. Otherwise, put them on a separate sheet. I'd probably add something handwritten like, "I thought you'd like to see a few of the savings XYZ Company has found for our clients since 2003!" And use names, not initials. Even better, make copies of the actual letters, and staple them together.

P.S. Personal Peeve: Typos with the possessive apostrophe. 100s, hundreds.

bjgilger · 09-04-2006, 08:58 PM

Your letter is quite strong and well-written. Some of the attempted humor fell flat with me.

Let me suggest a couple of ideas to test:

First, format this letter as if an executive admin assistant typed it (normal business letter). It may give the letter a more serious and less hypey feel. It may be perceived as having a more CEO-to-CEO feel.

Second, write a "Special Report" bait piece using all the detail you have in the letter and more. Then write a short (1 - 2 page) lead generation letter "selling" the FREE Special Report (FSR). You ought to offer the FSR as a mailed out hard copy report and as a PDF download and see which pulls the best response. Follow up on the phone 2 or three days after they receive the FSR to see if they have any questions.

One advantage of the short letter + FSR approach is that you can build a marketing campaign more closely targeted to segments of your market -- hard copy letter and FSR for the "traditional" managers who may not like the Internet; Email sales letter offering PDF download for the "gotta have it now" crowd; or your full-blown long form letter as it is now. You can probably think of a few more variations. The point is you can present your message in multiple ways and get a higher response.

HTH

John Gilger
Copywriter
John Gilger: Copywriter -- Advertising That Sells!