Hi,

This is a piece I recently wrote. The client is still testing it, but based on the results so far, it's not doing as well as we'd like.

How would you improve it?

http://www.adwriting.com/projects/in...ers/index.html

(We're still trying to get more testimonials... so far we've only sold around 100 copies, and have no results-oriented testimonials yet. Just so Ken knows )

Any feedback is much appreciated.

Thanks,
Yeo

PS. I used a "hard" approach for this, because I figured the prospects are angry people... but for a survey we did, about 65% of the people who responded to the survey were women. Should I "tone down" the copy?

Some tips:

Your #1 problem right now is the opening which doesn't pull the reader in quite enough. The prehead sounds a bit awkward in its aggressiveness, the use of the words "Fat cats" seems a bit too early in the game (too vague at that point), and your headline is missing the mark when it says:

I think it'd be better to replace "work" by exactly what it does for your target audience. The headline should have the main focus (by the way, your pre- and subheads are too big to do that right now) and should be your main benefit in this case. Touch on the most pressing issue for your ideal customer and you'll have a much better chance at increased readership and eventually sales.

Hope this helped.

Thanks Erik -- I wrote a new version, do you think this is better?

http://www.adwriting.com/projects/in...rs/index7.html

(the old version is still up at
http://www.adwriting.com/projects/in...ers/index.html
for comparison purposes)

I changed the pre-head, headline and subhead, plus I added "dear friend".

Any comments before I submit to my client for split-test?

Thanks,
Yeo

Hi Yeo -

I'm brand new around here and just took a quick peek at the old and the new website copy you needed help on.

Can I make one suggestion? Maybe instead of the:
"For people who want to file a complaint, but don't know how to get started...

How about asking a question that draws the reader in. Something like, "Are you tired of companies that don't put you first?"

Empathize with the reader a little bit. If your readership is over 60% women, they tend to respond to empathy.

OR - if you're looking for aggressive - how about something like:

"Get the response you WANT from the companies that don't respond!"

Just my little .02 cents worth... Good luck on this!!

Shelle,

Those are GREAT tips!

(blush, blush)

Thank you Michael. I didn't want to step on toes since I'm so new, but I couldn't resist. This is a neat forum and Tim has already been so wonderful to me answering my silliy questions.

Yeo? I'm curious to know how the testing goes. Can you keep us up-to-date?

Thanks Shelle -- I'll test it out!

Yeo

Interesting concept... I used to conduct sales/service training worldwide, so here's my .02...

To add to the testing mix...

When I feel like writing a complaint letter, I'm not angry at the 'fat cats', in fact I tend to like and respect senior management more than the people who cause the headaches, which are low paid service folks in most cases.

So I'd do a top head more like..

"How Often Do YOU Get Pissed Off by Lousy Service? Make Yourself HEARD by the Bosses' Boss -- Grab all the refunds, apologies and compensations You deserve ...

The subhead is terrific, the main headline in red is just ok.

Signature should look like it was written in pen, not by a crayon lol.

Salesletter body copy is very well written and flows well.

Nice work on it, and product concept too by mm.

Ken