Hi all,

I just found this site and I am so impressed that so many people take time to help each other out. I have registered and plan on being around a bit. I work in advertising - have done for quite some time. Mainly I am in account management but by default tend to do quite a bit of my own writing. This is why I have posted - this is a sales letter that a client said is too long. But they will test it with a shortened version. I guess I'd really appreciate any help or advice on this. I have done quite a few DM projects in the past, some quite successful, but never had one critiqued - any advice would be great!

thanks in advance.

Bluxx

bluxx,

Welcome. I can't speak for anyone else, but due to viruses, I don't download zips from people I don't know. If there's any way you can put it up with a link somewhere, or cut and paste it here, I think it would be better.

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”





Dear

When Mark Twain uttered these famous words he captured the essence of dressing for success. A key ingredient in a successful career is how you portray yourself to those of influence.

What happens when you look into the wardrobe and find your power shirts are running on empty? Instead of shirts that give you confidence you find old and worn shirts that look tired, draining you of energy before you even begin your day.





Have you ever tried turning up for a power meeting with a faded or stained shirt and then felt uncomfortable during the whole meeting? You felt uncomfortable wondering if they notice how shabby you look. So instead of wowing them with your presentation, you’re unfocussed and not performing at your best because of how you think you look. And yes people notice, they pick up on your energy levels and if you are self conscious and distracted, your presentation will suffer!

You could run to the local shop, spend 15 minutes looking for a car park and then hunt for the men’s shirts section. Fend off the shop assistant, rummage through the shirts scattered in the SALE box or check out hundreds of styles hanging on racks.




Relax. I’d like to present an alternative. A way you can keep looking professional at all times, without spending a fortune and always being in fashion.

We have found men like to look their best, but don’t always know what looks great on them, nor do they have the time to shop around for business shirts. This is why we developed– “XXXX Shirt company”.

XXXX Shirt company that keeps you looking and feeling your business best!

When Yves Saint Laurent said, “Fashions fade, style is eternal.” He summed up how most business professionals feel about the one thing they know they always look great in – the white business shirt.

In any business situation the quality white business shirt never lets you down. You will always look good – providing you buy a quality shirt.

Sure you can race to the local department store and pick up a $20 shirt and yes you’ll look like you’re wearing a $20 shirt. You may as well be wearing your old faded shirt – sitting in those meetings wondering if they can tell the cheap quality you are wearing. And guess what? They can tell!

Why bother stressing out when for a few dollars more you can be wearing a quality brand business shirt that will get you through any business meeting or formal situation?

“XXXX Shirt company” can make sure you always look your best in any situation.

• Business
• Pleasure
• Functions
• Meetings
• Presentations
• Sales meetings
• Lectures
• After hours

Regardless of the situation, you will look your best – that’s our promise. And you don’t need to run down the shop, fighting crowds, stressing out, wasting your valuable time. We’ll do the work for you!

How? We deliver quality name business shirts like Gloweave and Van Heusen to your door, office or home when you need them most.

It may be every six months, once a year or quarterly. You choose how often you need a shirt or shirts delivered and we take care of the rest.

We deliver to your door, home or office:

• Quality brand white business shirts
• Quality brand shirts with patterns or solid colours

How often is totally up to you:

• Every six months? or
• Every 3 months? or
• You choose how often you want quality shirts to your door.
• No minimum order, no minimum frequency
• Order at any time if you need an extra shirt

How does it work?

Simple:

• You call or email us to arrange a short no obligation appointment.

• We come to you and display our large range of shirts to suit your unique style and measured to fit.

• You select shirts in your size, colour and quantity.

• You tell us how often you want them or try us out with a one time order.

• We deliver quality Van Heusen or Gloweave shirts to your door and if you have any problem you have our promised money back guarantee – no questions, no obligation to you. Guaranteed!

Why “XXXX Shirt company”?

• We offer personalised service. An account manager will set up your account and all you need is a credit card or cheque and your first shirts are promptly delivered to your door.

• We offer you a choice of the business quality white shirts; or a choice of coloured or patterned shirts – we have enclosed a brochure featuring just some of our more popular choices and styles.

• We are easily accessible – you can order in a face to face meeting, online or via phone and we quickly process your order and deliver to your choice of location – home, office – wherever.

• Want shirts on a regular basis? How about a two quality shirts every 6 months? No problem. Place your order, we take care of the rest and do not bill your credit card until you are happy with the shirts you received!

That’s right – if you are unhappy for any reason – we promise your money back. Guaranteed!

Many of our customers now receive shirts at intervals of their choice, 3 months, 6 months – total flexibility to ensure you are happy.

(3 testimonials here)

How much does it cost?

How much do you pay for business shirts now? $70? $80?

We know while you want to look your very best, you don’t want to spend ridiculous amounts and why should you? A good business shirt does not need to cost you a fortune. “Shirts To You” will deliver quality business shirts from just $44.95 each.

Yes just $44.95 – and we will even include the delivery fee. That’s right – the cost of the shirt or shirts is all you have to pay – no hidden extras.

What do I do next?

Take advantage of us! Yes there is a “wait there’s more” offer. But I think you’ll be happy with our offer – Your first shirt is FREE when you place your first order. Free – no cost, no hidden charge, no hidden mark up – FREE!

Buy one shirt from us and you will receive a quality Van Heusen or Glo Weave shirt FREE.


Want to save time and therefore money on looking great in business? Call me, Jane Tiggeman, I’m the Business Development Manager at “Shirts to You”. I will be your personal account manager who will distribute quality shirts direct to your door. Call me now on 0899 999 888 8 or email xxxx@xxxx.com.au and I will organise your business shirt needs ASAP.

All you need to tell me is –

• Your shirt size – check the tab on your current shirt
• Your preferred choice of payment – credit card or cheque.
• White shirt or something a little more colourful – check the enclosed flyer.

Call me now to look your business best!


Yours sincerely

and here is the end of the letter - had to break it into two so it fits into size restrictions - thanks all

Yours sincerely





Mary Smith
Business Development Manager
XXXX Shirt company

P.S – Call me now and take advantage of our generous offer – Your first Shirt FREE with your first order. But I can only hold this offer for 10 days before we get swamped with orders. Call me now and I will promptly deliver your shirts to you – including your free shirt.

Just my opinions here, and admittedly it's late and I didn't read every word....

First, I think the client is wrong. Or at least wrong-ish. It doesn't appear to be too long.

There is almost no length that is too long. You keep writing until you sufficiently sold the item, then you stop.

Second, I think that while it's not exactly how I would have written the letter, I don't think it's too bad.

I would have probably asked less questions, but put that same information into a single story that arcs throughout the letter.

But that's me.

I'm sure someone will read it more carefully, and have other advice.

Yes, it's way too long. I read it asking myself, the way a typical business reader would, "What's the point? What's the point?" And it took way too long to get to the point.

It could be edited to less than half its current length and be much punchier and more effective. Just go through the letter with a highlighter and mark the sections that absolutely have to be there. Then keep those sections and make short transitions from one to the next. You'll see that you can keep the same core idea and make the letter move along faster.

For instance, you should not have two quotes from famous people in this letter - at most, just one. Choose the one that best leads into your main idea.

(This is the sort of skill I demonstrate and teach in my mentoring course.)

In addition, you need to keep a laser focus on the offer and not include irrelevant information. For example, I did not understand what $44.95 refers to. How many shirts does one get for that? The letter doesn't say. Therefore the information is meaningless. And in addition, it turns out that the $44.95 is not related to the offer! The offer is

Finally, you're not staying focused on what the core benefit is of your service. It is NOT:

It is the convenience of automatic delivery. You are not image consultants, are you? It's more like, Never run out of crisp, impressive business shirts again!

Follow the above suggestions and you will have a tighter, more effective letter.

Best of luck,
Marcia Yudkin

thanks so much for input. I will go through and do the highlight edit to make it read better and get to the point quicker - thanks again I really do appreciate it.

Bluxx