I've just finished the copy for a sales letter to pitch a seminar on Conflict Management for a client of mine, Greig (Peacemakers). This will be sent to a list of people who have requested a free copy of Greig's ebook, Confronting Confrontations. So its to a source of leads. Please can you critique the sales letter here:

Peacemakers Conflict Management » Workshops

One thing I wanna know is who should receive the booking calls? Greig himself, maybe I can do it for him or maybe a Janice. I live in another city and won't attend the workshop. Janice and Greig live in the same city. And I think she can help him out on the actual day of the seminar. Is there a benefit of having a woman take the bookings since its mostly men who will attend this kind of seminar?

Sincerely

Ramon

From zero to R3900? ...that's roughly $550 in US currency? Neat trick, if your copy can pull it off. The copy seems lackluster, though.

If the people are calling, they're probably already 95-99% sold. All they want is an efficient order taker. I seem to recall in telemarketing having a female do the sales work does pull better, and certain accents pull better, but this isn't a telemarketing type of call.

Hey John

I don't understand why you are surprised at the cost? Its actually cheap by comparison to similar two day workshops in South Africa. And your conversion is accurate, it is about $550.

Anyway the first email campaign is to generate the leads offering the free ebook. And the 2nd is to check how they are doing reading the ebook, the third follow-up is to sell the seminar booking.

How else can I improve the sales process? And should I have an online order form? Online payments are still a problem in South Africa because of the maturity in the market. What I mean is most people are still worried about using credit cards online so an offline booking is better to process.

Regards
Ramon

Hi Ramon,

You might want to rework your letter. Lackluster it is and "sales letter" well, it's not. More like an announcement.

A few tips to help...

-Drop the "who else" and "best" from your headline. Neither do anything for you. If these prospect's are presold on the idea of conflict management (they ordered the book already) you can use a straight benefit headline (even as simple as "Learn Effective Conflict Management Strategies from South Africa's Two leading Experts", that's still weak but it's a start.

-Your lead needs help. First off, drop "My conflict managment workshops will teach" from the 1st sentence. Talk to and about the prospect -- not about your product.

-The copy is long on features and very, very short on benefits. Fix that. Prospect's should "see" the difference in their lives this will make.

-Break up those long blocks of text. When you're showing credentials put them into bullets in this instance.

-Your bullets need help. This simple format works wonders: BENEFIT HEADLINE! Supporting sentence.

- You have no call to action.

That's just a start but you need to work on this. John's right, if people are calling it's because they are so pre-sold it doesn't matter what the letter says. Strengthen the letter and you'll get more sales from people who are on the fence.

Hope that helps,
John

The price is the price, no surprise. I find the "jump" from a free product tricky -- and I'm being charitable. Of course, the X factor is what's in the product, so its hard to get an accurate picture.

Playing the percentages however, you first try to get people to pay for a product -- hopefully at least in the 50 dollar (or whaever your equivalent currency) range. Then your next price point is in the $100-125 range. Then you go to the price point at $500. Even then, I'd be more comfortable with still another sale at the $250-300 point.

And playing the percentages, the vast majority overvalue the product they bring to the table.

You can have a fluke of statistics with anything - price, offer, copy, headline. However, the weight of probabilities usually reasserts itself, and at the most inconenvient of times and disasterous of ways. In other words this letter "bucks the odds," for all of the reasons posted above.

I just posted two reports which seem to sum up my posts, no matter the project. Check out...

How to Build Value With Belief Structure

How to Find The "Selling Story" Buried In Your Business

I mostly created these as shorthand, so I might as well start using them.

You're using a lot of "My" and "I". It shouts this is about me.

What about the customer?

I say that the writing ability is there but here's some problems I have with it.

Header
The colors are awful... make it all one color or get rid of it. The green and blue don't dance well together - they are in a nasty battle to compete.

Headline
Too big - Too much of a setup for failure. I say this because your headline asks a question "Who Wants To Learn The Best Conflict Management Strategies in South Africa?"

And my answer is: "Not Me ~ click! Granted, I'm not part of your target market, but I know you can come up with better than this.

Let me ask you... how many headlines did you write before choosing this particular one... and what was it that lead you to believe this was the "one" that will grab readers by the golden nuggets?

First paragraph
Starting with "I" isn't going to be very appealing to anyone... I will say that you have a couple of good benefits in this paragraph, but it is crucial that you go through and take out the I's, my's, and me's if you want to make this more successful.

Second paragraph
Not too bad as far as more benefits, but you need to take out the Justification from your bullets (it's broken up in too many places and looses its appeal.

Remember this... you reader is always looking for a reason to leave. Don't make it easy for them to make this decision by having chopped up text.

Third thru seventh paragraph
Once again, way too many I've's and I's - make it more beneficial to your reader... after reading this entire sales letter, the only thing for a reader to respond is "so what?"

What's in it for the most important person? The one who will make or break this entire pitch... "The Reader" -- what's in it for "ME"?

OK, I've said enough... it continues to be a bragging board and has no benefit in it for anyone except for the ones who are throwing out the pitch.

One more thing…
I hate playing the "bad guy" role, I really do… maybe I should just keep my big fat mouth shut, but if you really want honesty, then I'll give it to ya' the way I see it…

Nuff said.

I've removed the Wordpress software I used to run this website so I can run it as a plain HTML website (designed in Frontpage). And I've turned the frontpage into a lead generation sales letter (short) and punting the free ebook, Confronting Confrontations: Conflict Management Training Icebreakers Workplace Conflict Resolution

The ebooks is like a much longer sales letter punting the 2-day conflict management workshop. Now I have not revised the copy for that. You will notice once you subscribe it takes you to the following page:
Conflict Management training workshops conflict resolution South Africa which punts the workshops we want to host in September.

I'm a little worried because I don't have the testimonials from the client I've been asking for the last few weeks.

Please let me know if you think the frontpage has good enough copy to build leads. I have a database of a few hundred companies in the area this client is based and they are all members of the local chamber of commerce. So the idea is to do a bulk email to them punting the free ebook if they register their details.

Regards
Ramon

Hi Ramon,

Nice job. I like it a lot better then the original. Only a couple of suggestions to strengthen the page.

"Ice breakers" in the headline causes a slight disconnect for me. Here's why: the term, for me at least, implies a conversation starter. Which might help with the awkwardness of a wall flower but doesn'tseem related to conflict management.

Maybe change your headline slightly to "Easily and Effectively Manage Conflict and Anger in Your Home and Workplace" (BTW- "learn" is a word that implies, I as the prospect, will be doing some kind of WORK. A small thing yes, but we want to smooth out any bumps, yes? )

I think you could reduce your number of bullets and make them individually stronger. Create teasers. For instance, your bullet:

"how to prevent conflicts from spiraling out of control"

Changed to...

"Be Master of Every Situation! This little-known technique gives you the power to keep even the most volatile conflict from spiraling out of control!"

See the difference?

One final thing, you had some great credibility elements in your earlier draft. The credentials of the 2 guys were impeccable. I'd find some way to use that credibility up front.

By doing that you squash any skepticism before even a shadow of it can arise.

All in all, good job!

John

There's no immediacy. The reader can always say to themselves, "I'll come back and buy in a while." Then they never come back. Another reader can easily be in denial about the level of conflict, again convincing themselves there is no need to buy right now.

These guys get what's in the reports I pointed you to. They have uncovered the selling story buried in their business.

• Did you know a typical manager spends between 25% and 40% of his or her time dealing with employee conflict?
  
• A report in the prestigious Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine says stress can boost health care costs up to 50%. Outside of manufacturing -- where raw physical demand is the number one stressor -- but in the office environment the stress of personal conflicts tops the list, costing $55 million in lost wages and absenteeism.

Two minutes of research outlined the problem. Now you relate specific parts of your program to address these problems, completing the bullet.