If you can please take a few minutes of
your valuable time to critique my new ad
that will start on Wednesday -

Here's my website...

"Who Else Wants To Make $29,875.34 In 30 Days... Guaranteed!"


Thanks,




Rob Sanders

My first question is, "What exactly are you selling?" If you already have the equity in these houses, what are you purchasing? Why do you need to use other people's good credit, is yours bad? If that's the case, that will be a big red flag to most people. The letter is confusing as it is now.

What exactly are you selling?

Real estate

If you already have the equity in these houses,
what are you purchasing?

I have just put 2 homes way under market value
under contract.

Why do you need to use other people's good
credit, is yours bad? If that's the case, that
will be a big red flag to most people.

Ken, Once you have 10 or more homes in your
name, the lenders cut you off! You can't buy
anymore homes without putting down huge
chunks of cash for down payments.

Which does not make much since if you looking
to pull the equity out.


Thanks for the response,





Rob Sanders

Rob, Have you actually "made" any decent money with this type of business?

If your answer is "yes", then use a small portion of that money to hire a professional copywriter.

As it stands right now, you're not going to get "any" response with this letter.

Sorry to be so blunt Rob, but this is something you really shouldn't do on your own... You've got a long way to go before you can call this a "well-written" sales letter.

You're wasting your valuable time...

You should be spending your time making money with real estate and leave this copywriting portion to a professional.

As I said Rob, I don't mean to sound so harsh... just giving you the honest truth... Thats what you wanted right?

Rob,

Not to pile on, dude, but I agree with Stephen. Visually, the layout is pretty good. And you sort of implement a couple of copywriting "tricks."

But, first of all, the grammer is pretty bad. I don't think you should write to please your English teacher, but basic grammer skills such as subject/verb agreement, use of articles, and punctuation are a must.

But the biggest problem is that it *sounds* scammish. Don't misunderstand; I'm not saying YOU are scamming folks. But a total stranger reading your letter will likely think that.

Why?

Because you offer no proof.

Also, other than the easy money, there's no benefit to dealing with you described in your letter - which also makes it sound scammish.

Again, I don't mean to pile on. It's maybe a decent first draft. But it's definitely not ready for the real world.

Rob,

Here's my two cents...

You are obviously looking to entice
investors. Since real estate is a local
market, locally driven, you probably
should consider investors in the area.

Anyway, here's what I'd do...

Put up a lead generation ad in your
local newspaper. The ad could read...

Investors Needed For A Lucrative
Real Estate Situation In Baltimore

"There is now a local real estate investment
opportunity that has the potential of being
more profitable than any other real estate
investment you've ever made. For complete
details, call for a free recorded message any
time, 24 hours a day. I will send you a special
report explaining all the details. This opportunity
is time-sensitive so call today at...
1-800-000-0000."

When they call they hear a brief message and
you tell them to leave their full name and address.
Then you send them a hard-hitting sales letter
disguised as a report. It must be written well with
lots of proof and credibility elements... and... plenty
of sales punch.

Note: As it is, your current website would not get
any serious investors interested. It's poorly written
and you contradict yourself. The headline says make
$29,000 in 30 days and the body copy says make
$57,000 in 30 days. Which is it?

Also, guaranteeing returns is a sure way to get your
ass in a sling. You cannot guarantee returns when
offering an investment opportunity.

It's acually illegal.

You may get away with it... but not for long.

There is an advertising law that deals with what's
called "typicality of claims". In other words, if your
situation is unusual you must say so. Obviously,
people who do business with you don't typically make
the kind of money you are promising.

You're treading on thin ice.

Maybe before you put yourself in legal hot water
you should consider the FTC advertising laws.

Rob:

I just had to see for myself, if your copy was a bad as Stephen and everyone else said it was. It's worse than that.

I'm not going to pile on here, but I agree with the rest of these guys.

Dale King

primoquest

Rob, Have you actually "made" any decent money with this type of business?

Yes over a million...!

If your answer is "yes", then use a small portion of that money to hire a professional copywriter.

Will do...!

As it stands right now, you're not going to get "any" response with this letter.

Sorry to be so blunt Rob, but this is something you really shouldn't do on your own... You've got a long way to go before you can call this a "well-written" sales letter.

I appreciate you being blunt, that what will all need not sugar coats.

You're wasting your valuable time...

You should be spending your time making money with real estate and leave this copywriting portion to a professional.

Will do…

As I said Rob, I don't mean to sound so harsh... just giving you the honest truth... That’s what you wanted right?

Thank you for you’re honestly

Rob,

Not to pile on, dude, but I agree with Stephen. Visually, the layout is pretty good. And you sort of implement a couple of copywriting "tricks."

But, first of all, the grammer is pretty bad. I don't think you should write to please your English teacher, but basic grammer skills such as subject/verb agreement, use of articles, and punctuation are a must.

But the biggest problem is that it *sounds* scammish. Don't misunderstand; I'm not saying YOU are scamming folks. But a total stranger reading your letter will likely think that.

I do understand.

Why?

Because you offer no proof.

What proof should be added?

Also, other than the easy money, there's no benefit to dealing with you described in your letter - which also makes it sound scammish.

Again, I don't mean to pile on. It's maybe a decent first draft. But it's definitely not ready for the real world.

Thank you

Rob,

Here's my two cents...

You are obviously looking to entice
investors. Since real estate is a local
market, locally driven, you probably
should consider investors in the area.

Anyway, here's what I'd do...

Put up a lead generation ad in your
local newspaper. The ad could read...

Investors Needed For A Lucrative
Real Estate Situation In Baltimore

"There is now a local real estate investment
opportunity that has the potential of being
more profitable than any other real estate
investment you've ever made. For complete
details, call for a free recorded message any
time, 24 hours a day. I will send you a special
report explaining all the details. This opportunity
is time-sensitive so call today at...
1-800-000-0000."

When they call they hear a brief message and
you tell them to leave their full name and address.
Then you send them a hard-hitting sales letter
disguised as a report. It must be written well with
lots of proof and credibility elements... and... plenty
of sales punch.

Note: As it is, your current website would not get
any serious investors interested. It's poorly written
and you contradict yourself. The headline says make
$29,000 in 30 days and the body copy says make
$57,000 in 30 days. Which is it?

Also, guaranteeing returns is a sure way to get your
ass in a sling. You cannot guarantee returns when
offering an investment opportunity.

It's acually illegal.

I did not know that.

You may get away with it... but not for long.

Will stay away from that.

There is an advertising law that deals with what's
called "typicality of claims". In other words, if your
situation is unusual you must say so. Obviously,
people who do business with you don't typically make
the kind of money you are promising.

You're treading on thin ice.

Maybe before you put yourself in legal hot water
you should consider the FTC advertising laws

I'm going to hire a professional like suggested.