Dear Copy Experts:

First of all, I would like to introduce myself to everyone. I am NOT a copy writer at all. I am newbie to the world of copy. In fact my background is computer software engineering. Quite often, I am at loss for words. Recently, I have launched a business (real estate investment) to buy real estate properties for investment purposes. For my business, I had sent numerous postcards, color postcards etc, guaranteeing e 0% (yes 0%) response rate. Isn't that ironical? Something that is supposed to generate sales leads and sales and profit is actually costing me to spend more than I have leaving me virtually penniless.

Anyway, I have been introduced to the world of copy and the world of words that are powerful. Since then, I have realized that what I was doing generally sucked big time. So, I spent my last dime hiring a profesisonal who basically had over 35 years of experience. Essentially I was told that she had been writing copy since the days of Eugene Schwartz. Anyway, I am still getting 0% (yes, 0%) response rate.

I stumbled upon this board while doing research on copywriting and how to improve the copy that I already have. I read some of the Bencivenga's Bullets and I came across this board.

I need the help of experts critique my sales letter and I would certainly appreciate it very much.

I send sales letters to different categories of people. This sales letter is designed for people who are in financial trouble and are facing foreclosure on their home.

Many of you maybe aware that Colorado is ranked #1 in the nation for rate of foreclosures.

HEADLINE:
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COPY:
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Dear Homeowner,

Foreclosure can ruin your credit and permanently damage your financial reputation and ability to get credit again. I can help you avoid a foreclosure if you act today.

Are you in financial distress? Are you about to lose your home because you no longer can afford it? I understand how easily these things can happen. They’re happening to a lot of people. I help hundreds of folks just like you every day.

I can buy your property. You can get that financial burden off your shoulders. Since I’m a real estate investor and not a realtor, councilor or attorney, I can act fast. You can be out from under the threat of foreclosure in days.

If you call our Financial Relief Action Line now, I’ll prepare a personalized Foreclosure Relief Package just for you. In it you’ll discover . . .

• what your options are
• how foreclosure really works
• what you should know before you do anything
• how much money you could get for your house now

This report is a $495.50 value! But if you call now, I’ll give it to you FREE. Now is NOT the time to panic. Now is the time to find a solution. Let me help you do that.

To get this valuable free information, call the Financial Relief Action Line now. The number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Sincerely yours,


(a digital image of my signature goes here)

Gopal Gopalakrishnan

P.S. It doesn’t matter what condition your home is in or what you owe. I buy all sorts of property for investment purposes.

P.P.S. In foreclosure time is critical, Don't wait! one day can make a difference. Call now. Even if I don't buy your home, I canhelp you find a solution. Call now ... before it's too late.

(The above pps is a digital image of my handwritten pps).

Thanks a lot in advance for all your help,
May you all prosper,
-- Gopal

Hi and welcome

here is my modest vision please believe in my respect and my sympathy.

so let me know what that mean : Foreclosure. (my english isn't realy good)

however I havn't understand theses words I noticed this in your copy :

"I help hundreds of folks just like you every day"

Hundreds mean up then 200 !!

let suppose that you give 10 min to help a person that mean you need 2000 min = more then 33 Hours ! why exagerating?.

Now let talk about something else :

why the work of the copywriters that you mentionned havn't give result?

sending the letters or making the promotion have you got some request some question, how many people respond to this?

You have to know where is the problem :

if the letter don't make client come to you then the pb is in the copy.

but

if the letter make client come but the client don't take the product then the problem is elsewhere.

Hope that this help.

Thanks a bunch for your reply ...

Since you have asked the question about "what is a foreclosure", I am assuming that you don't live in the US.

Foreclosure is a process by which the mortgage company (bank, investor or anyone else) who has lent money as a loan to buy a house is taking the house back because the loan obligation is not being met on a monthly basis. For instance, if you buy a car using a loan from a bank and you are required to pay $300/month towards the load and if you stop making these payments due to job loss, then the bank has a right to repossess the car.

The ad is NOT pulling any clients to me. So, I am thinking that something in the copy is NOT appealing to these obviously frightened people who are about to lose their homes in the coming days.

Here's what I am offering:
1) When a client calls my office, the person will take some basic information about their house, their name, address etc and information about their loan.
2) I prepare a custom report for them based upon this information.
3) I call the client and setup an appoint and explain in detail all the options that are available to them.
4) If they decide that they want to sell their house to avoid a foreclosure, then I will structure a deal to purchase their house and relieve them of the foreclosure.

That's it. Pretty simple.
Hope I have clarified your questions ...
-- Gopal

Hi

Thank you for all the details.

it is really a hard subject, and hard to convain people that they have to sell thier house before the bank take it.

for the instant here is some modest note hope that they will help you :

1) the first sentence can be used as argument and catch attention , try to make your headline based on this satistic.

(*) Homeowner, this is a contradiction, in the mind of people to be owner is to have a house without a loan or to have finish paying the loan of the bank, so they got no problem witch mean they arn't targeted and arn't interessted.

(**) is a contradiction in itself, when people are to avoid foreclosure they pay thier monthely due to the bank they arn't to go fast in order to take such solution.

so let discuss these 2 words :

Act Fast : if the reader is really in such situation I mean foreclosure when he read this the first thing that he will do is this one :

Hurry up to the bank in order to find an arrongement, and then to avoid your solution.

your solution is EXTREME, so find People in EXtreme situation.

Hope that help.

Hi:

let me clarify ...

When a homeowner is facing foreclosure, they have very limited choices. They cannot run to the bank and pay the huge fees that has accumulted over the months.

There are also a lot of homeowners who just abandon their homes and let the bank foreclose it and take it.

So, for the remaining homeowners, some of the choices that they have is to sell their house. If the bank takes back the property, the homeowners will have to vacate the property and they will NOT have a home anyway.

Does this make sense?

Yes it make a sense for me hope that your replay will make one for you.

in this replay you show me how extreme is the situation of people that are facing such problem, so make this in your copy.

1) show that your solution is the only one , this can be a good argument for a copy.

2)devellop this paragraph and show reader why , and how they can take profit before loosing all thing when the bank come to get thier house.

3) the right emotional to trigger, what will they do if some day they be without house.

Now does this Make a sense?

ggopal,

While I would do a big rewrite on the letter, maybe the problem is your market. What's the foreclosure rate there? I'm in southern california and last year while house shopping I looked into foreclosures. The problem was there were virtually NONE. People were just refinancing and pulling cash out instead of losing the house.

Now this will certainly lead to more foreclosures in the near future, but as of last year I couldn't find 1 in my area.

Okay, that said... Now who are your postcards going out to? Are you just blanketing your area or focusing on people with certain risk factors?

Now the copy... I see very little along the lines of basics. I see no real benefits, and the headline does nothing for me.

Get a headline that grabs people. Maybe personalize it. If you don't have access to the kind of printing that can personalize each headline with the homeowner's name in it, then try doing entire blocks. Something happening on your block, tends to get your attention. This is real quick but, "The Bank Just Foreclosed On Another House On Elm Street. Are you next?"

If I got that in the mail, I'd read it.

Next... your bullets have to be benefits.

Instead of:

• What your options are...
• How foreclosure really works...
• etc.

Think more along the lines of...

• Brand new options that can save your house and maybe your family.
• The insider foreclosure secrets that could save your credit!
• etc.

Also, sex it up a little! Not actual sex, but give it some pizazz. Instead of "I may be able to help you..." How bout "I'm here to SAVE YOU..."

I'd like to know who wrote your letter and I'd like to steal clients from him!

Hi:

I am glad that you understood the severity of the situation of the homeowners facing foreclosure.

Well, you are right about providing a solution and proving ot the homeowners that my solution is the only one. I do that in my sales meeting and I do that very well.

All I want out this sales letter is for the homeowners to take the first step and call my office to get the free report. I will personally deliver this report and explain it during my sales meeting.

-- Gopal

If you do not give benefits... you will not get that sales meeting. Your track record proves that.

Again... what market are you in and who are you mailing to?

Hi me again

so I reread one of your replay and I want to ask you a question :

what is the delay beteween all these step?

how long it take you to go from 1) to 2) and from 2) to 3).?

regarding to 4) if they choosn't the deal what is the alternative product that you can sell them (remember you done 1,2,3 and this effort have to be benefic for you).

this is very important because however good is the copy if the time responce is longer then it will be no sale.

hope that help.

and how can you reduce it.