Hi, just launched this new promo page for a September seminar.. any critiques from anyone re copy flow, what needs improving? It's 'just ok', I need to do better... let me know if you have any ideas, appreciate it much, folks!

http://www.SamuraiSeminar.com

Ken


example, what's a better phrase to use than "participate in", in this header:

Mark Your Calendar Right Now - For the Most Useful
"How to Trade" Weekend You'll Ever Participate In -
Packed with the Latest 2004 Trading Tips for Active Traders...!


indulge? partake? nah...

How about "... you'll ever experience" or "... ever encounter" ??

(This is just a quickie post for that specific question... no time yet to review your site. )

Thanks Bonnie, I like 'experience' ... appreciate it!

ken

Hey Ken,

Well if this is what you call "Just ok" i cant wait to see what you call Great!
To be honest with you (with my admittidly in-expereinced eyes!)
i think its good!

its not really my thing, i dnt have a clue about stock trading, but by the end i was finding myself getting kinda fired up! its got a very strong EMERGENCY!! style to it, i think the fact that you push for the order so early adds to this effect! (it made me think WHOA! this must be good!

its benefit packed, strong credible, thats the first time ive seen those video testimonials used on a webpage,--- is that a very effective technique for increasing response?
--im guessing it must be, but im fast learning the only 100% opinion to go with, is the numbers!

"oh yes i agree with B-Lowe "expereince" in the headline, as participate sounds like too much hard work!

thanks

Jason

Ok I've sat down for hours and re-read my swipe files... got some energy... rewrote the copy ... what do you all think?

here's the latest revision, Sun July 24th:


http://www.SamuraiSeminar.com

(here's a "before" version:
http://www.SamuraiSeminar.com/samuraiseminarJuly22a.htm )


thanks all -- appreciate your comments, I've made changes based on them (downplayed the 'samurai' bit, changed experience to participate etc)


Ken

Looking good, Ken!

Just one quick comment... the section that starts, "From the desk of Ken Calhoun" bugs me a bit because the text that follows talks about Ken Calhoun as if he's a different person than the one writing the words. Perhaps it should be in 1st Person instead of third? Or leave it in third person but don't say it's from you?

Otherwise, I like it a lot!

Dear Ken,

Your copy style reminds me of John Carlton's style. That's a compliment. Anyway, I am not good as you are.

So let me share with you my opinion, just opinion.
1-the pre-head creates urgency, but it's a bit hard to read because it's too small.

2-you said huge...how huge? Put a specific figure. Remember, Claude Hopkins : the more specific the more believable.

3-I am not in your market. But if you're going to put your pictures, then please add some trading feats these two people in the pictures have accomplished. Being the president of a trading company doesn't mean that you're among the best traders in the world. Numbers talk.

4-So up to that part of the headline, it seems more like empty claims than real stuff that is backed up by proof, real life proof. Again, I don't know who's going to see this page. If it's someone on your list, then your credibility is already built, then you don't really have to back up all your claims of "sensational.."

5-Also, in my opinion, too many adjectives and adverbs. It makes me feel you're going over the top, you're trying to influence me, to force me to believe, not to give me information as to how and why I can make money trading.

6-First paragraph is too long. I lost my breath reading it aloud. And I am supposed to talk fast and read fast. I think you're trying too hard to hold my attention. (but again, I am not in your market)

7-I believe that Michel Fortin said that "Learn" is hard while "discover" is easy. I haven't tested this for myself, but I see that you use the word "learn" a lot?

8-The sub-head before Mike's video is all empty claim, at least to me. It sounds interesting, but then I wonder :"how is it possible? how have they done these things before? "

9-As I scroll down I am meeting an army of adjectives...I remember that adjectives describe...there is no inherent action in adjectives...nouns and verbs...

10-I may sound old-fashioned. But what is your USP or what are your USP's.

Hope that helps.

Swans, you should look at the date on these threads before you go to all that trouble -- the website in question here is advertising a seminar that happened over two years ago.

Hey guys,

maybe you don't realize that's a post from 2 years ago from Ken

HI Zachary

Nope I didn't see it, until I posted the critique. But hey, he can always use these points in the future...