I suppose I have missed some things in my latest Home page sales letter...
Looking for feedback (no matter WHAT your qualifications are).

The basics are here, but what do you think?
http://www.startinglifeover.com

A thousand-and-one thanks to Michel for this great forum and to you for your opinions..

Hi. I have a few ideas that might help. First, go over the site to catch punctuation and capitalization errors. There are quite a few on the home page, starting with "May. 30, 2004" --- and be consistent. If you're going to use title caps in some headers, use them in all headers. And use more header tags.

I've added some changes and ideas, not in any particular order. I just whipped this up to give you a sense of how to tighten the text and integrate the program's name into the text at the very beginning.

Also, for the meta description tag, how about something like: <meta NAME="DESCRIPTION" CONTENT="Need a fresh start in life? Discover the Starting Life Over program">


May 30, 2004

"Feeling Stunned? Confused? Shaken?"
Let Starting Life Over Help!

(Make both of these lines header tags, different sizes, rather than using them inside paragraphs. Better for search engines.)

Has something happened in your life that means there's no going back? Do you see your broken heart and shattered dreams as a huge roadblock to a happy life?

Do you wake up saying, "Where do I go from here?" Or can you even get to sleep?

Is the prospect of rebuilding your life terrifying?

You may feel lost, immobilized, but you are not alone. It's time for Starting Life Over.

Trade those dark days and nights for a fresh, balanced view of life. And of yourself. Consider Starting Life Over: a program that will

* Put you back on your feet
* Lift the fog
* Clear the confusion


Good luck! Hope these few ideas help your site get more attention!

Hello, Judy:

Have you got great eyes or WHAT? We have been going over that page for weeks and never even noticed the dot after the month. Either you have 20/20+ vision or you wear magnifying glasses!!!

I'll pass the other ideas over to the owner and let you know what she thinks.

You probably know this, but after a certain while of proofing and proofing copy, it gets SO difficult to "see" it clearly.

You comment, for example about "can get to sleep" is great.

Will be back in a few days.

Thanks milliions!

Alan

You should play up Bev's "professional training". It's referred to, and I had to read the page three times before I found a casual reference to her Master's degree in counseling.

I clicked to your page thinking that maybe this would have something to offer to a client of mine who is trying to rebuild his business and his life after a series of financial setbacks. I found the copy disappointing, very fluffy and vague. I would never recommend this product to my client, even though he appears to be part of your client's target market - sorry!

Marcia Yudkin

Hello, Marcia:

Thank you for your honest, straight-forward critique. I can understand your comment about the vagueness of it. We will incorporate a bit more about her training and qualifications in the next run.

I will post here when it is done.

Thanks a million and one to you too!!

Alan

Hi Alan

Nice sales letter! I only read through it once, but have a question for you. Is this Program interactive? That is, do participants get personal advice based on their individual circumstances and can they "chat" with Bev via email?

If so, I think you should strongly emphasize that.

If not, I'm just wondering what's the advantage of a 12-week course versus an ebook where the client can get all the information and go through it quickly (if they choose) versus taking 3 months.

Also, just one minor thing... the first few testimonials don't talk about RESULTS. The best testimonials are towards the end of your page... perhaps you should put some of those towards the beginning?

Oh, and your discount price supposedly expired yesterday. You need to fix that.

Alan,

Very quick comment because I've only read the first para or two, but the headline did nothing for me at all. Am I feeling stunned, confused or shaken? No..... next !!

What I would ask is who is that appealing to? People who have just survived an earthquake perhaps?

You may say that it's for people who have just encountered some kind of trauma - but what are the chances of them landing on your page on the very day that they encountered it. And it doesn't speak to people who are stuck etc. - and all the other headlines are "below the fold", so I wouldn't see them.

My suggestion is that you consider the people and conditions where this kind of intervention will be most helpful, and then make the headline more specific and pragmatic. Do I have to be shell-shocked to use this service, or can I simply be drifting and bored with my life?

HTH,
Jane

Everyone has good ideas, but Marcia and Jane make excellent points. You bring out the need to look at the bigger picture before working on the copy. And the need for professionalism.

Bravo!

THANK YOU ALL for your comments, excellent critiques! Give us a few days and we will analyze and respond.....

Alan

2 weeks later......

Thanks again for all your critiques. We have revamped the page and now are waiting for a PPC campaign to click in. (pun intended!).

The latest:
http://www.startinglifeover.com

Alan