Hey guys,

Just wondering if I could get your thoughts on this first draft copy...

The target market is snowboarders, surfers and extreme downhill sports enthusiasts of all ages.

The real benefits are: Vanity (being cool), Performance (being better at snowboarding, surfing, etc.) and Entertainment (it's a blast to ride...)

The USP is the fact that the board can carve extremely tight turns at up to a 50 degree angle - but it can ALSO achieve speeds over 80+ mph without any risk of speed-wobble.

In the boarding world, usually speed is sacrificed for manouverability or vice-versa. The T-Board does both very well...

Anyway, here it is:

http://www.tierneyrides.com/carve/

Rip it apart, boys...

(and girls)

Sincerely,

-Chris Rempel

Dude,

I thought that thing rocked. I'm pretty much your target
audience and I was pumped on that thing. If I still lived in
San Diego, I probably would of bought it on the spot.

Since I live in the woods and snowboard all the time,
it's seldom I ever skateboard.

The product was so cool, I forgot to see any blatant
problems with the copy. It flowed pretty good for me
and kept my attention.

I would maybe mention that it's statistically impossible
to get "Speed Wobbles" a bit more prominently. Maybe
in a Sub-Headline.

All in all I thought it was great. I read only the first half,
then skimmed to the offer.

Even though I'm surrounded by dirt, I want to buy the
thing.

I have some friends who are semi pro skaters and coaches
at Windells world famous snowboard & skate camp.
(it's pretty much across the street from my house)

http://www.windells.com

I bet they would do a rocking testimonial for that product.

Thanks Jason - that's great to hear

If you want one, I can hook you up with a much better deal than the one in the salesletter - just let me know.

And I can definitely set up your friends at Windells with some demo boards if they wanted to try it out.

Thanks again dude - and I think I will stress the "no speed wobbles" bit a little more prominently.

-Chris Rempel

Hi Chris,

Very good job on the webpage both copy and designwise.

Here's a few things I'd do to tweak it a bit:

1. Tighten up the leading (the white space between the two lines) on the HEADline.

2. I used the pull quote off the large color picture and inserted as a SUBhead. You can't get a much more powerful testimonial than this one since it's from a known person in that market. . .an olympian medalist and a snowboarder.

3. The black background is a bit too tiring. I grabbed a gray from the pics and used that. Also, excellent choice on the pics. . .especially rendering them in B&W instead of color. It gives your site a different look.

4. Since the "introducing" portion was a graphic I was a bit too lazy to retype it, but it would go where the text is on my sample.

5. The "drop cap" you used isn't a drop cap 'cause it doesn't drop. Since you're opening story paragraph is one line and not a paragraph it's not needed.

6. Try to keep font sizes to 3 different sizes max. 1 size for the text (which I believe you did), 1 size for you paragraph headings (keep them all red or all black...never mix them) and use quote marks and not inch marks for your quotes. Also, THANKS for not underlining typographic fonts and THANKS for not yellow highlighting every other line.

Here's my quick rendition of some of the points above:

http://i3.tinypic.com/vo0gw5.jpg

You'll need to do a right click "save as" to see it larger (or wait for the englarge image button pops up).

I did another with the color pic to see what it would look like. I grabbed a color off the boarder's shorts for the background color:

http://i3.tinypic.com/vo0j7k.jpg

I didn't like the color pic as much as the B&Ws, but I wanted to see what the new background color looked like with my original:

http://i3.tinypic.com/vo0jzq.jpg

A very nice effort overall on your part Chris.

JayKay,

Wow - thanks SO much for your very thorough and graphical suggestions.

You certainly didn't have to go to all that effort, but I really do appreciate it

Tonight I will make some changes and will certainly adapt most, if not all, of your suggestions.

Sincerely,

Chris Rempel

I read it top to bottom. The flow was good. I might wedge in some "High quality" or "Porch, lotus, or Masarati" type of terms near the beginning, to prepare one for the price, but actually you cover that with a great offer so its not really an issue.

I just want a bit of assurance near the beginning that "Ron Popiel" is not involved at those speeds. But the testimonials are already awsome and the mini-movie is perfect. Maybe an audio testimonial would add.

Hey Chris, I would've been your target market about 25 years ago. My senior year of high school, my folks decided to move from the East Coast of Florida to upstate New York.

We lived on a truly monster hill in the Adirondacks, and one summer my cousin brought up a couple of homemade skateboards, and we set off down the hill. After just a few yards, we both got the death wobbles and went ass-over-teakettle onto the asphalt.

I've long since given up skating, though I do occasionally catch a few waves when I visit my brother in So. Cal. But my cousin's still an avid skateboarder. http://www.barrierislandgraphics.com/TimmysBoardroom/

I showed him the letter and here's his comments.