Hi guys,

Here's something you can look over and take to pieces for me...
http://www.viniyoga.com/yogateachertraining.html

I would very much appreciate any suggestions.

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

Andrew,
I don't claim to be a "genius" copywriter, but I would like to say when I first saw the page, I was taken aback...

Not the copy (I haven't read it yet).

What threw me off was that the picture of Gary Kraftsow being directly over the words:

Hi I'm Mary Lou Mellinger,

My mind spent more time trying to compute why this guy's name was Mary Lou

It took me away from the headline "immediately"

Perhaps something can be done in way of a border between the picture and the actual sales page.

This can be accomplished by either creating two seperate blocks (like you see michel do in some of his sales pages).

or maybe a horizontal line

or even making the picture have a caption underneath with the man's name, "Gary Kraftsow".

I'll take a look at the copy and give you some feedback a little later.

Hi,

I am not a genius too

you are right primoquest, i agree with you.

so:

1)
i want to listen to the men, i want to see the boss, where is the boss, this is my reaction (never snob the readers)

why negociate with the coordinator or some one else, when i can deal with the boss, when a costumer enter in a shop he first ask "hey boy, where is the boss".


2) snobing again, hey i am the basic costumer, i know nothing but i have the money, i don't even read anything else my bills, so why have you to put all thse stuff in my heart.

3) using the word Gary's, you have to choose one way, beeing respectifull and aristo or beeing cool, not the two at the same time.

4) if you want to show the scientif aspect of the yugo in order to give it credit you have to make the entire reference, N° of Journal, ISBNN, N ° page, date etc..

5) or are you trying just to gmake some flashing words.

6) this desir of arguing that it is scientific, show just one thing that there is
some sceptic that they arn't believe in such method and that you are trying to convain.

7) again the 3., damn it is a new manne of making subhead or what (sorry, i don't want to be irrespectefull, im just impulssif, i hope that it help)

8 ) whow you can distinguiche who is special or not, and what mean special is it a talent, so if it is why to come there perhaps i am not borned for that stuff.

9)are yu sure that they will be Exceptional Yoga Teachers?

never make such promise, no one can predict such futur.

10) a littile doubt in you speech, are you sur ? this mean , it sound like that :

"beieve me a concentrated 6 month in 8 weeks, and it is still the same, i know it is unbelievable, me too i have some doubt, but it is like that, so you have to believe me".


sorry, i have to stop there.

hope that it help.

Ps: i hope that there is not many mistake, else sorry my english written is to blame hope that the mean idea are clear.

Hey, if that's Mary Lou... She Needs A Shave, bro!

Seriously, you should probably have some sort of
copy under the picture that identifies Gary and
mentions his credentials.

I thought the copy read well. The only thing I'd say
is re-edit your sentences and shorten them up. Some
are just plain too long. They don't let the reader take
a breath.

I've heard that - for the most part - it's a good idea
to keep sentences between 10 and 17 words. Some could
be longer and some shorter.

But a lot of your sentences go on forever without a break
in the action.

Other than that, the pitch is good.

John Anghelache
www.TheJohnAngelReport.com

Thanks guys.

I agree the picture is a problem.

I'll come up with a solution.

The page was originally written from Gary's perspective but had to be changed for several very good reasons.

People reading the sales letter are in the Yoga community and know about the yoga study already.

Thanks for your feedback.

And yes we already did the facial hair joke with Mary-Lou.

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

The entire page is inside out and upside down. And I mean that in a constructive way. Starting from the top you exclude every person who could ever read your letter. The answer to this following question is "Not me".

{If you'd like to spend two weeks learning the art and science of yoga teaching with the western world's leading Viniyoga expert and become a highly qualified, fully certified Viniyoga teacher then this is the most important letter you'll ever read. }

Nobody want to spend two weeks doing anything. Maybe after they are finished reading they might, but not yet. Basically you say nothing about your audience and "where they are living now" in the entire letter.

Start with what your readers are thinking now, and work from there. If they wanted to be with this guy, they'd be calling him already. That's not your target market. Your target market is people who have NO idea who this guy is and how he can improve their lives.

Captions are critical sentances. Yours is funny. You might leave it like that for good results.

Just add in the 2nd or third line " OK, that's not really me, that's Gary.

Thank you for the feedback.

Actually in the target market EVERYBODY knows exactly who Gary Kraftsow is and they ARE calling him.

He's run many of these teacher training events without any kind of good direct response marketing.

We're just working on taking it to the next level.

Thank you again for your suggestions.

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

Freelance online copywriter

please, what is the next level?

making it avaible for any one?

this conception of doing things that is going wrong.

you can't make philosophy easy reading for any one, it is trying to education people and this is not the job of a copywriter.

be aware and never fail, in this common mistake.

when people want to have big market they are using the same shema.

if your client is too famous, never try to make a DVD training with him with this headline :

"How to be a yoga Master with Garry's method in 7 days".

this is wrong.
ps: im too affiramatif, i have to be less.

but no one is ready to sell diamont in a cornflakes box.
hope that help.

THE fundamental key is understanding your market.

I spent TWO WEEKS talking to people who'd ponied up the dough to go to 3 of these 2 week courses (and would almost certainly be there for the fourth AND shell out yet another $8,000 to go to another series of four courses for yoga therapist training.)

THAT'S what writing great copy is all about.

Doing your research with real live prospects and clients so you can speak their language.

Learning to speak and write and communicate effectively in the appropriate language is one of the most powerful keys to great copy.

Right after your offer.

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

P.S. You can mix philosophy quite well with copy if philosophy is what you're selling and in this case that's exactly what we're selling.

That's what I said. Your wanting to take it to the next level.
That would be speaking to people who are not aware of who he is and wondering why they would want to go. And what value he offers to them.
Speaking with people who WENT to see him is of great value.
As Testimonials. Those are the good parts of your copy.
You wanted to know which parts suck.

That would be where you rant about yourself or rave about Gary.
Those part's ( That start with "I") , those parts make me ill.
Is it significant that I'm outside your market and your copy makes
me ill? I would say so. That's the point of your sales letter. To reach out.