Ok so maybe it isnt the only thing you need to critique but it got your attention didnt it. But it sure would be nice if you guys could come to my rescue again and give me your advice.

Best out of the three

I have spit tested 3 diffrent versions of my sales copy. This one pulled in about 33% to subscribe to my list. Although this is good I would like to get more since I have a very targeted market I advertise to.

The other two samples in rank of response:

Second: This copy had two sign up fields and a picture. It is longer than copy #1 that I want to get advice on. To me I thought it was far more visually appealing and informative. ~25%

Third: This copy was bassically the same as copy #2 only it didnt have the picture. Other than a few minor changes it was the same wording as #2. ~21%

I myself dont really understand why this would have the best pull. I beleive both of the other two are far better. But I guess it just is. So all that I ask is to take a quick read over it and see if you can find a way to improve it. If you have any suggestions that are going to make the other two work well that would be great also.

Thanks
Terry Brazil

No critique on your copy right now, as I think you have a long way to go...

Even though you might be going for that simple looking sales page, there is much you can do to make it more appealing to the eye.

If you wanna see what I would do for starters:

http://copywritercash.com/PSPGAMING_AFTER.htm

See how the text is broken up into "chunks"?

It is a lot easier on the eye than your previous page:

http://entertainment.guruofinfo.com/ultimatepsp.htm

Also, I put some space around the text.

Another thing you need are some really good subheads throughout the copy to pull the reader back in.

When first looking at your page, I skimmed it and didn't stop to read any of it. There was nothing grabbing me and stopping me from doing so.

No offense intended, but you really should learn some of the basics of copywriting before expecting any good results from your copy.

Save this page by going to <file> <save as> and copying it to your desktop as an html file and see if this helps whith your conversions while you are still working on the copy.

I could go on and on about spelling errors and your wordage until I turn three beautiful shades of indigo, but I'll stop here for now.

thank you very much for for your feedback. I will start rewording everything and possibly make a hook and some sub headings. As always thanks for your help.

I don't claim this will beat 33%, but try this, if you like:

http://www.peterstonecopy.com/Crit_Ultimatepsp.htm


Peter

Terry,

I guess Stephen covered the bases pretty well!

I personally liked the layout and look of #2 the best. Maybe the
picture helped. I guess the others just looked maybe too simple.

I agree about the subheads. I didn't find anything that compelled me to read further.

It's funny..on Wednesday I got a letter selling what looks like a good product. But their sales letter had misspelled words, sentence fragments
and such..I found at least 17 simple errors. And, I know this company does a good number of mailings every year. So, I've kept that letter..
maybe they'd like to increase their response too

Good luck Terry!

Peter,
How is this poor lad going to learn if we do it all for him?

Dominion (Terry),

I would take the original color scheme (layout) I gave you, put Peter's magnificent copy inside it, then give it a go!

Consider this a team effort.

It's still not perfect , but definitely 10X better than the original.

Let us know how this does.

Wow thank you all very much guys. I do however want to learn and would like to do things myself. Dont get my wrong I greatly appreciate what you all have done for me and will in fact use this for now.

I dont understand how that first copy got the better results myself. I personally like #2 far better but for some reason the conversion dropped. I will try and use Peters copy in your layout and maybe put the pic back in.

From most everything that I have learned putting your headline in quotes grabs more attention. Is this maybe a thing of the past or just not as important as some try and make it? Also do you think that the two subscribe boxes would work better or just the one? In my opinion I think one would be fine as it is a fairly short copy. Just looking for the experts opinions.

Thank you all for your help and I have learned lots from this forum. The one that got the 33% was my first copy ever written and then I made copy #3 and finally copy #2. I myself think my personal best was #2.

I will track the resualts and start promoting it more and get back to you all with the resaults.

Thanks
Terry Brazil

Here's a revised copy (Peter's copy inserted):

http://copywritercash.com/PSPGAMING_AFTER_REVISED.htm

I just threw the pic in it just for effects - you can do what you'd like.

Thank you guys very much once again. I must of been editing it as you where. I alredy had the exact same thing uploading when I checked back and seen your post. With one small change. I changed where it said that you can start downloading today into you can start downloading in minutes. Since they say you will have access within five minutes.

I just posted it and I will start testing it out today. Once I let a good 500 people see it I will post the results. Your guys help is priceless.

Hi Terry,

First of all, when you're testing you should only test 1 change at a time. You can't insert a graphic and then make changes to the copy (whether in length or actual copy) and test it to the "control."

Test headline vs. headline. Test opening paragraph against opening paragraph. Test a webpage against a webpage with a graphic inserted. Etc.

I think what Primo did for you was very nice. It definitely took your site up a few notches.

What I did is take you up another notch. . .graphically (and I didn't use Primo's copy 'cause I was already done with my pimpin' of the website and didn't want to go back.)

http://tinypic.com/view/?pic=t7fqxv
http://i2.tinypic.com/t7fqxv.jpg